How often do you see your parents during the week?

[Bambie32]

Just that really...

My partner likes to go to his parents on a Monday after work for dinner, on a Wednesday after work for dinner and also on a Sunday too. Although I think the Sunday one will now stop because I've moved in with my DD. I was just wondering if this is normal for families, I've never had a family so I don't know what is normal. I won't be going to these dinners by the way, because I'd be doing the dinner for myself and my daughter at home. But is it normal for you or your partner to have so much contact with your family during the week.

It's normal if it's normal for them. If it interrupts his life or he can't break the routine without emotional blackmail then it's too much and unhealthy but if it's just people who like each other hanging out regularly then it's fine.
Why won't you be going?

People have different versions of normal. I used to park at my parents' for work so I used to see them several days a week, now it's maybe 2-3 times a month.

DH sees his mum most days because he works pretty much next door to her house. We also get parcels delivered there so he pops in to get those as well.

Why wouldn't you go to dinner with your in-laws occasionally?

Wow, that’s a lot! In fact the ‘during the week’ bit surprised me as I think even weekly every week would be a bit much.

I see mine around once per 4-6 weeks I reckon. OH sees his more like once every couple of months. I’m very close to my parents, just don’t feel the need to be in each other’s pockets. I think I’d struggle a bit with a partner seeing their parents every week unless it was generally without me, while I was busy or at work etc.

Just feels very enmeshed for adults. But each to their own. I’m very independent, whereas some people still feel very dependent on their family of origin. My close friend hasn’t gone a day without speaking to hers at least over the phone in thirty years (she’s thirty) 😦 which seems crazy to me!

He doesn't like to change his routine unfortunately. He can be very insular

And I won't be going because I just feel I can make my own dinners at home.

Why wouldn’t you be joining him for dinner at least some of the time at their house though? Are you not invited?

My Mum lives around ten mins walk from us and we see her at least a couple of times a week. However, this is not through a rigid, set routine but much more ad hoc and spontaneous. Sometimes we bump into her and she tags along, sometimes we ring and say 'fancy tea with us tonight', other times she will ring and say 'I'll pick Ds up from school today' or will help me out if I need childcare. I would say an inflexible routine that prioritises contact with her over your needs on a constant basis may not be sustainable?

I don't see either of parents that much within one year!

And I won't be going because I just feel I can make my own dinners at home.

People don’t go to someone’s house for dinner because they feel unable to cook at home :/ they go to socialise?

Is there something bothering you about his parents or something?

It sounds like there’s a fair bit of tension between you already and you’ve not even moved in together yet, it should be easy and delightful at this stage! You feel he’s insular, rigid with his routine, don’t like the amount of time he spends with parents, and don’t plan to go with him ever as a couple. How long have you been together? Whose idea was it to move in?

And I won't be going because I just feel I can make my own dinners at home.

Hang on, are you saying you're invited and are choosing not to go? Because that's your choice and I wouldn't expect him to change his routine just because you'd rather stay home without him.

If this is a long-term relationship his parents will be in your inlaws one day - it's surely in everyone's best interest that you have contact and a good relationship with them?

I see my mum most days, she lives around the corner. See my in laws maybe twice a year. They live 10 hours away.

My family are very involved, too much sometimes, but my husband is fine with it. He suggested we move to our current house to be closer to them. But if he wasn't we wouldn't see them as often.

Basically he is very rigid with his routine. He starts work at 7.30 and finishes at 5. He drives straight to there house after work for dinner, and she gives him some food to put in the freezer for the next day. I work from home, so I pick my daughter up from school and then cook myself dinner for me and my daughter. I just don't really feel the need to drive to his parents house for my dinner. They are in their 80s. I just wouldn't want to put on them like that. But every time my partner goes for his dinner they give him his next days meal. He is nearly 50! So was just wanting to know if this sounded OK. I guess because I've never had a mum or dad I'm not used to that level of closeness.

To be honest you sound equally inflexible, saying that you’d not go for dinner with his parents. Part of being with someone is making the effort to bond with their family.

He drives straight to there house after work for dinner, and she gives him some food to put in the freezer for the next day.

That would really put me off tbh, i’d expect this from a seventeen year old who’d just left home and wasn’t confident cooking yet, but a middle aged man who relies on his parents to feed him? When it’s a regular thing? That’s very odd indeed. I sense this issue will cause a lot of tension in your relationship in the future, seeing as it already is.

it sounds co-dependent, tbh. He spends 3/7 evenings there and they give him dinner for the next day too? He sounds immature and they are infantilising him.

On one hand, if you’re moving in together and a proper committed couple I’d expect him to want to spend most mealtimes with you and your daughter at home rather than running off to his parents.

But on the other hand, he is who he is, you can’t change him, and he seems pretty set in his ways at this point. So if you move in with him this is pretty much what you’re getting. Would you be okay with spending three out of seven dinner times without him each week, and three more of those days sorting only your own food out cos he won’t be helping to cook for the three of you due to his packed lunch?

We haven't actually ever discussed if he wanted me to go with him for these dinners. He has never asked me to come. But I've only moved in a month ago. So I just text him now asking.

So you don’t eat together as a couple/family? That’s the odd part for me. Do you generally do things separately?

Yes we do eat together when he isn't with them on those set days. Before I moved in, his mum would come and change his bed sheets for him too. I just didn't want to be quick to say that's odd when I've never had a close relationship with a parent before so just thought I'd ask here.

It’s a bit too close-knit for me, but then I’ve never lived near enough to my parents (as an adult) to just drop in for tea.

One way to look at this is that they’re in their 80s. Realistically he’s probably got another 5-10 years of his Dad being around, and maybe a few more on top for his Mum. Tea twice a week, if he drops the Sundays, is a nice way of him staying in contact and it’s not really putting you out, is it?

@Changedname3456 Yes I agree.

It sounds like it's just habit for him, really. I think it's quite nice that he's close to his parents.

If he's never had children or lived within a family unit before he probably doesn't realise he's upsetting you or leaving you out. If you're living together maybe you should ask to go along and meet his parents? I'm sure they'd like to meet the woman and child their son is living with and have some kind of relationship with them?

Nothing is "normal" with families. Everyone is different. My OH doesn't see his brother for years and he only lives 20 miles away - they've never fallen out as such, they just have nothing in common, they just send each other Xmas and birthday cards. Before she died, OH used to go to his mothers once per week, but never stayed for meals - she'd come up for a meal with us, maybe monthly. My sister lives 5 miles away, but I've never even been to her current house (she moved about a decade ago). But I see my mother 2/3 times per week.

Some families are closer than others. Family dynamics can be difficult. Sometimes, there's emotional blackmail involved, especially if parent is widowed. It's possible to be very "close" but not see them much, or apathetic towards them even if you see them regularly. Nothing is "normal".

He’s never invited you with him and you live together?

That’s so weird. Do they even know you exist?

Mum changing his sheets is yet another glaring red flag for codependency/immaturity. I’d be really concerned as he has never cut the apron strings. And you should be aware, in the future, he may not cope at all when they die. He’s never developed into an adult child - adult parent relationship with them.

Has he had relationships before?

It would be a lot to me, but normal for some. I see my parents once a week. Others may think that is a lot.

But I think it's fine you don't plan on going. That can be you and Dd's time together. My DH normally doesn't come along to see my parents each week, instead that's his night to relax and have some alone time. I also find it's a bit more relaxed with just me and my parents, compared to partners being there. That's fun too, but in a different way. He comes along every month or so.

I've met his parents they seem like lovely people. I guess I'm just used to making my own bed and making my own dinner that's all. He has read my message on WhatsApp asking if he wants me to come to his parents for dinner on Monday/Wednesday/Sunday and he hasn't replied! Something tells me it won't be a yes.

Also re the lack of invite, I do t think that's bad. I don't usually "invite" my DH, because I don't want him to feel pressured in to going when I know he'd rather have an evening at home. I just tell him I'm going. So maybe your DP is the same.