Feel completely trapped

[StuckLikeGlue3739]

NC.

Together with DH for 9 years, one DC6.
Things are crap, really crap and I have no fucking clue what to do or how I’m going to get through this.

DH can be physically abusive, though to his mind he’s not. He has online realionships with other women, sex talk etc. Other things have happened in the past that still affect me.

I want out but I can’t see how to do this unless waiting years untill my Dc is older.

Problem is I have a mental illness , I cannot look after my DC by myself, I just can’t cope with it. I can’t work at the moment, haven’t been able to keep a job for more than 2 months for a few years now (I do keep trying).
DH does more than me for DC overall. He was the main carer untill DC was about 3 because I was so unwell I couldn’t manage at all. I only manage to be a good parent and do as much as I do because of his support .

If I leave him then I’ll have nothing, I know I’ll not be able to cope. I won’t be able to look after DC, he would have to.

Has anyone been in this situation or can see a way through it? I’m struggling with it all, it’s only my DC that’s keeps me going. I just need to know there’s a light at the end of this tunnel of hell.

(Ps, can’t phone WA due to severe phone phobia)

I think waiting years till your DC is older is not an option, your child is seeing you being abused by him even if not directly and this will emotionally harm him/her further.

What outside support are you receiving for your mental illness, can you see the GP and get this abuse of you by your H documented?. I would think that he has made your overall mental state far worse and it will continue to be affected particularly if you remain with him. Could someone phone Womens Aid for you?. What actual support have you had re your mental health to date?. Where are your own parents here, friends?.

You are married to this person and have rights in law; can you actually approach someone like a neighbour, your GP even your child's teacher directly?.

I was diagnosed only last year, the only support I have is medication and a 15 min appointment with my psychiatrist every 3 months or so. Still haven’t even found the right dosage.

No friends (not due to DH, I’ve never been able to maintain a friendship, even in childhood). Parents are disabled (not physically), unable to help, I’m their informal carer.

Gp is as useful as a chocolate teapot and not pleasent either.
If I did manage to tell someone then SS would most likely get involved and I can’t have that, it will make things 100x worse. What option would there be other than my child going into care? We all know the outcomes for children in care are shit, that the state is an awful parent, abuse rife. I cannot risk that happening. It seems to me that the current situation is better for dc than the alternative above.
DH’s father is also a rather well regarded legal professional, is similarly abusive and would not hesitate to help, and I’m certain they’d manage, to get custody.

Those are not meant to be excuses. I’m not even sure if I’m thinking properly about this or not.

Shameless bump in case anyone else has any other ideas / been in a similar situation and it’s worked out for them.

SS actually look at the best needs for the child and certainly looking at your circumstances they would not be whisking your child into care! Please break up with the abusive man for the sake of your kid and then seek help from everyone who will listen

Well, it would either be care or with DH. I cannot parent alone and I don’t want to leave my child.

It seems I’m fucked really.

Thank you both for taking the time to reply, it was much appreciated.

I’ll hide this thread now.

Hello please dont hide this thread there are many wise mumsnetters on here who may be ae to offer some advice? Do you have any siings or other rematives you can turn to? What about seeing someone else at the surgery maybe a health visitor/nurse? I often think they are much betters than the GPs and more understanding. Please get some help you can get through this

Sorry *able to offer advice. Wishing you well. There is support there for you

God i cant type must be my new year flu. Do you have siblings or relatives or Cousins who could offer support?

Please don't hide the thread, give it some time, people will be working ect and I may be wrong but a post in the mental health section may help too as this to me is your biggest barrier. If it wasn't for your mental health (which I'll touch on in a minute) I'd seriously suggest a covert meeting with WA get into a refuge in a different area and stay hidden. They act fast and can get you moved within hours, well they did for me. I had a flat in a different area within hours of my meeting.

Can you say what your mental health condition is? What about it makes you unable to look after your child? I'm not being goady, if we break down each step individually there could be answers found x

Which mental illness do you have? If you're specific people may well be able to offer better advice. I know quite a lot about some MH conditions and nothing about others.

Please don't hide this thread and don't despair either. There's lots of help out there if you know where to look. I'm always amazed and impressed by the knowledge and expertise of so many women who post here. Let them - let us - help you, you poor darling.

This is so worthy of a bump

I have bipolar, anxiety and OCD. I also suffer flash backs to a couple of things which can affect me quite a bit.
No realatives (other than parents who can’t help) or friends.

I understand that WA can help me physically leave, but I don’t know how I’d manage that and keep dc with me.

(Also I struggle to use phones, speak to people so that makes it difficult to even start getting any help)

Hi Op, please don’t hide this thread. You’ve reached out and that is so positive. I have suffered with depression in the past and I could not see the wood for the trees. If your GP or specialist isn’t helpful or supporting you in the way you need, then it’s ok to brave and ask to see someone else and keep asking until to find that right person to listen and help you. I asked to see someone else when I encountered a very unhelpful and quite judgmental GP, it was the best decision I ever made. I then saw the most lovely, kind and caring GP who really listened and helped me through such a dark time. I didn’t feel better until we found the correct medication and clarify didn’t return to my mind until then either. Please keep positive.

Possibly the reason your mental health is so poor is because you have to deal with your shit physically abusive partner. I'm sure you would be able to cope better if he was out of the equation. Does he tell you that you could not cope without him by any chance?

Could you cope with shared custody? Is he a good dad? That way you get away from him but still have shared responsibility for your children.

Unfortunately you're right, if you can't parent D.C. full time yourself then you'll need to decide whether it's better for you and D.C. for you to all live together with you unhappy and D.C. being exposed to abuse, or for you to move out and have contact with DC.

Can you really not parent alone or has your husband convinced you that you can't manage without him? Would your mental health be better if you were away from your husband? You said he is physically abusive and has affairs. So he is not supporting you, is he?

I have generalised anxiety disorder and have had several episodes of chronic fatigue. I had a lot of therapy to get the mental strength to free myself and my DC from a situation where a relative was being controlling, emotionally abusive and trying to convince me and my child that I would be a rubbish parent without their 'support'. I'm managing fine on my own and my mental health is better. Not saying it's the same for you but don't be too scared to leave because you think you won't be able to manage. And your DC will cope better at 6 than waiting until they're about to hit puberty and have lived with this toxic situation for longer. If your GP isn't helpful, you can self refer for CBT on the NHS.

Leaving dc with DH does seem like my only option. I don’t think I can bear to do that though.

Oh, and like you, I felt trapped too. People on here will help you. Don't lose heart

Could you separate from your H but live in the same house? Emotionally detach so the affairs don't upset you and try to live separate lives?

Yes I really can’t parent alone, it’s not because DH has ever said I can’t, he actually praises my parenting.
Some things that affect my parenting are: I find it overwhelming and exhausting- I need regular breaks. Without breaks I become irritable, short tempered, lose ability to focus.
I struggle to go out, to alter routine, to engage with people etc.

Don't you think that living with an abusive man exacerbates your MH issues? Don't you think it's possible that away from him making you feel like crap and abusing you, you would be able to cope?

Don't be afraid of social services - they would rather support you than take dc away. See if there are local mental health and domestic abuse services you can access.

Don't think of it as leaving them, sharing custody is very normal these days. And can be beneficial ( if he's a good dad! You've not said what he is like as a father..)

I grew up with divorced parents and God I wish shared custody was the norm back then. I say this gently but I grew up with a mum with mental health issues and it was hard. I love her dearly but I think my childhood would have been happier if I could have split my time between her and my dad. I think she would have enjoyed being a mum more in smaller doses rather than full time if that makes sense.

Don't think you are being a bad parent. I think recognising that you can't cope full time is a positive thing.and shows you want the best for your child.

I’ve always struggled with the above things which is why I never planned to have dc. The pregnancy happened in a manic phase.

I know some aspects of my MH improve if I left but I know myself and I know what I’ve always found difficult.

His talking with other women doesn’t bother me too much to be honest, its the least of my worries.