Feel completely trapped

[StuckLikeGlue3739]

NC.

Together with DH for 9 years, one DC6.
Things are crap, really crap and I have no fucking clue what to do or how I’m going to get through this.

DH can be physically abusive, though to his mind he’s not. He has online realionships with other women, sex talk etc. Other things have happened in the past that still affect me.

I want out but I can’t see how to do this unless waiting years untill my Dc is older.

Problem is I have a mental illness , I cannot look after my DC by myself, I just can’t cope with it. I can’t work at the moment, haven’t been able to keep a job for more than 2 months for a few years now (I do keep trying).
DH does more than me for DC overall. He was the main carer untill DC was about 3 because I was so unwell I couldn’t manage at all. I only manage to be a good parent and do as much as I do because of his support .

If I leave him then I’ll have nothing, I know I’ll not be able to cope. I won’t be able to look after DC, he would have to.

Has anyone been in this situation or can see a way through it? I’m struggling with it all, it’s only my DC that’s keeps me going. I just need to know there’s a light at the end of this tunnel of hell.

(Ps, can’t phone WA due to severe phone phobia)

YY what @category12 said

What are your in laws like?

In what way would SS be able to support me, realistically?

Have you had a look at the resources, at the top? I think it's a pinned thread. I'm pretty sure some of those will have help you can access by emailing. Xx

Very little, realistically.
Have you had a social care assessment for yourself?

Right, being overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated and short temprered are things that can be helped, honestly! I am all these things, have depression, anxiety, suspected ocd and fibromyalgia. I also have 3 boys, 2 preschoolers. It's fucking hard but it's doable. The right medication coupled with cbt, daily coping mechanisms, journaling, guided meditation, "quiet time" where the child gets to learn this is when you lie down etc but I honest,y think being away from him will lift the biggest burden. I've been in that place, couldn't cope, crying everyday, crap psychiatrist, crap cpn, crap dp. But I stopped the negative running commentary and instead told myself "I can do this, I CAN!!" Every day, all through the day, replace every negative thought with a positive one, even if you don't believe it just do it. I know this might sound like a load of shit but getting mentally well takes ore than meds, it's a journey of self love and discovery and you can do it!

Women's Aid have an email address [email protected] but it could take up to 5 days for them to respond. But since you're not planning on making any moves straight away, at least you could get it in motion?

You could also contact Mind for support www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Someone I know has a phone phobia which means she can't make calls, but will accept them - would something like that work for you?

Listen to @isitmee
You can do this!

Right, being overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated and short temprered are things that can be helped

But I’ve always been that way, even in childhood I was that way. A small change of routine unexpectedly or even the seams of clothing touching my skin would set me off in an explosion. I’ve cant see how my personality can be changed.

I’ve been assessed as not sutible for CBT. Can get on with stuff like guided meditation, it’s hard to explain why.

Can’t, not can^

But you say yourself you're not on the right dosage yet and you feel you're not getting the right support. Your mental health can improve and being out of the abusive relationship could make a significant difference. Shared residency might be a good way forward for everybody as pp suggested.

No, I don’t accept telephone calls apart from the school.

It’s not so much parenting that is overwhelming, it’s life that is that way. Having parenting added into that just makes it all worse and more of a stuggle. I need a few hours free of any people everyday in order for me to function properly.

It’s become clear to me now that I really won’t be able to keep dc with me if I leave.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

I'm not a specialist bit know a bit about autism and if you've always been distressed by changes in routine and things like the feeling of seams on clothes touching your skin since childhood, these can be features of autistic spectrum disorder. I know it's an MN thing to suggest an ASD diagnosis but I have professionally encountered adults who have been misdiagnosed with bipolar, schizophrenia but failing to respond to meds etc before eventually getting an autism assessment and being diagnosed. Sorry if this is going down the wrong path but thought or would be something to consider so that you can get the right help you need.

I did actually ask my psychiatrist about ASD because I have had people presume I have it. He said I have no traits.

I’m reluctant about shared custody because even though DH is a good parent and does more than his fair share, I actually ‘know’ dc better. I have the closer relationship. It also took me untill dc was 3 before I bonded, I don’t want to lose that.

I’m not even sure I’d be able to manage keeping a roof over my head by myself, I’m terrible with money, terrible with self care, safety issues .

I’m going to stop now, more I post the more I realise how inept at life I am. I’ll shall be taking time to think properly through all everyone has said.

Hi OP

I have a mental health condition. I was married to an abusive man.

I still have mental health issues, but they are nothing, absolutely nothing, like they were when I was with him. And what amazed me was how quickly after we went our separate ways I improved.

That's not to say I didn't struggle. I did. And still do.

But it was worth it.

You haven't experienced bringing up your child without him. You honestly don't know how you'll find it. In your present state of health, perhaps you're right you won't.....but without him how can you say your current level of illness will be the same? Don't underestimate how much his abuse is affecting the severity of your illness.

Also - why not find another GP? There is one at my practice that I absolutely detest, so I never go to him about anything. But there's always others.

Hi Op,
Reading your posts my immediate thought was autism. The changes in routine, clothes seams touching you both unnerving you & needing time alone are all signs of ASD. Have you ever been tested for this?

Regarding your situation I think it could help if you make yourself a plan based on what you want the future to look like.
So maybe you’d like to split & have dc 50/50?
Your plan could be:
Go back to gp (different GP) request testing for autism. Request regular therapy & request more frequent reviews of medication dosage.
All the above you need.
Email Women’s Aid (you need an advocate for yourself in some form) to see if they can help with the physical side of moving out.
Research coping techniques for those with autism.
Work on these techniques.
Talk to you stbx about the prospect of splitting up & what custody arrangements he’d envision if that happened (he may well say he’d be happy with 50/50)
When the meds are the right quantities, you’re getting regular support & you feel better work with WA to move out.

@OP when getting my DS diagnoses there were some professionals that thought he was & some that wasnt. But he definitely is (much more apparent now he’s older). Women in particular are very good at ‘masking’ their autism. If I were you I’d definitely be getting more opinions & a referral.

A general adult may not enough specialist knowledge to diagnose ASD in an adult who may have masked features for years (especially if patient is female). Get a second opinion from a psychiatrist specialising in autism. You may need to be referred out of area for this depending where you live. A diagnosis and professional support would help you cope better. As would no longer being in an abusive relationship.

A general adult psychiatrist may not have* enough specialist knowledge - I meant. Sorry, brain a bit fuzzy tonight!

I agree with everyone else about ASD, my friend has had bipolar diagnoses with anxiety and OCD for several years, turns out she is autistic...

She shares care with her EX and although he's a knob her in-laws have been pretty good.

I would read up a lot on autism in women and see if there are strategies that you can adopt that may well help you.

I wish you all the very best to be free if this man