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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found hundreds of dirty messages/pics/videos on husbands phone

38 replies

ThatsJustGross · 07/01/2019 05:55

For about a year now I've suspected that my husband may have been seeing someone. Lots of (very) late nights at the pub every night, always needing to be at work etc.
I've always shrugged off the feeling, dismissed it as hormones, we've just had our third baby.
Well tonight curiosity got the better of me and while he was lying in a drunken state on the spare bed, I checked his phone.

There's hundreds of Whatssapp messages and texts to about 5 different women. really filthy, dirty things, pics of him, them, sex toys, videos etc. He was even messaging them while our daughter was in A and E with breathing difficulties. Just Gross.

I woke him up and asked him about it. He denied everything at the start, played dumb, pretended he didn't know what I was talking about. Demanded to know how I got his phone.

When backed into a corner admitted he had been messaging them, but denied he had met them. From the messages it was clear he had.

I have no idea what to do now. I have 3 kids under 6, I gave up my career to look after the children and support my Husband in his career. so no money, no family near by.

I want everything to be as smooth and normal as possible for the kids.
Sorry for the rambling post and spelling mistakes, I'm just so shocked and haven't slept all night.

OP posts:
IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 07/01/2019 05:58

What a horrible shock.

He sounds awful.

What do you want to do?

Nquartz · 07/01/2019 05:58

I am so, so sorry. I don't have any advice but didn't want to not respond. Someone will be along sooner with proper advice.

Zoflorabore · 07/01/2019 06:00

Wow op I'm so sorry you've found this but I suppose it's better that you know, hope that makes sense.

What a shit he is, more than one woman too? Obviously you will need a sexual health check up as he has put it in jeopardy.

Were you able to screenshot anything as proof? Men like this will be good at trying to minimise the situation and (un)fortunately you will have the support of many others here who have been through similar.

Have you got someone to speak to irl? Don't keep his dirty little secrets to yourself, you will also be in shock and need to look after yourself.
Here for a hand hold Flowers

Whatsnewwithyou · 07/01/2019 06:00

Oh that's awful, I'm so sorry OP. Hopefully someone who knows more than I do what to do will be along shortly. I think you need to contact a lawyer ASAP. At least you are married and therefore have rights. Flowers

Bubs101 · 07/01/2019 06:04

sorry to sound clinical but you need to gather evidence of his affiairs to protect yourself and your DC, I know some men who have turned very nasty and manipulative when caught out and can spin all sorts of lies to family members etc.

Pianofootie123 · 07/01/2019 06:05

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Please don't do what I did in an almost identical situation - let him gaslight you and believe his minimization. I am 7 years on and finally separating after years of mistrust and unhappiness. Please get an std test asap.

Weenurse · 07/01/2019 06:06

Get your documents in order, passports, bank account details

Open an account in your name and transfer half of any joint accounts. Snoop to see if any secret accounts.
Get legal advice ASAP.Sorry you are going through this.💐

Original poster
ThatsJustGross · 07/01/2019 06:12

I managed to get about 10 screen shots of the messages. I've emailed them to my sister with an apology saying sorry for the gross pics, but I need somewhere to keep any 'evidence'.
He just keeps hovering around me now, trying to hug me, saying lets work it out for the kids.
I'm going no where near him ever again. Makes me want to be sick.
We rent, no mortgage, so I guess that makes it easier. Spoken briefly to my Brother in Canada as he is the only one I suspect is awake

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsJustGross · 07/01/2019 06:15

oh and keeps telling me he only did it because he thought I was having it off with the personal trainer. OMG I would have sooner thrown myself under a bus than break up my family home

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 07/01/2019 06:16

Clear head.
Gather your resources. You have siblings at least for support. Are you both on lease? Work out how bills will be covered and move on.
Dirty fecker.

abbsisspartacus · 07/01/2019 06:20

Similar position here fortunately no bio children but my youngest loves him more than his own dad and keeps crying for him 😑 good luck you deserve more

Zoflorabore · 07/01/2019 06:22

He gets worse doesn't he? So in his head it was "revenge" for your supposed affair?
That is exactly what happens with some men where they will try and justify their actions by turning it back on you.

Try to stay calm, do as much practically as you can ( like you already are ) and try to keep things as "normal" as you can for the children.

I can't see how he can try and worm his way out of this op, what you have seen is more than proof and enough to kick him out. He should have thought about his children before doing what he did. He's trying to gaslight you now. Classic behaviour.
I'm so sorry for you. Please remember we've all got your back here.

Weenurse · 07/01/2019 06:22

I second get the STI check, sorry

PersonaNonGarter · 07/01/2019 06:22

Well done with the screen shots.

What a shock for you. Flowers

He will turn very nasty and angry now he has been caught. He will say it is your fault because you are X [whatever reason he is going to use against you].

Do not engage with any justification. Whatever happened in your relationship, he did those things without any justification - you did not drive him to it. Make sure you tell people IRL so you can stay sane.

How are you for money? Do you know everything about him financially?

myrtlehuckingfuge · 07/01/2019 06:23

Well done on keeping a level enough head to (a) take screen shots and (b) remember the time difference in Canada. It demonstrates that you have the strength and intelligence to exit this situation for the benefit of your kids and more importantly yourself. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Get to a solicitor next I think and search- for pension docs, bank statements, tax returns/P60, travel documents and marriage/birth certificates. You have had a massive shock- remember to eat even if it all tastes like dust (I remember those days). Flowers

watchthisspace40 · 07/01/2019 06:26

Sorry this is happening to you , how long have you been together ?

Original poster
ThatsJustGross · 07/01/2019 06:27

Thanks guys. Yes you are right going to get all my documents together and securely mail them to family somewhere. Will do that today.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsJustGross · 07/01/2019 06:28

watchthisspace 10 years this summer

OP posts:
Ragaroo · 07/01/2019 06:33

If he thought you were having it off with someone, his first response should have been "dear, are you having an affair?" Not: "let me shag as many women as possible". He has major issues. This would have been too much for me. I would see a solicitor, ask your husband to see a councillor whilst you gather your information and thoughts, see if he cares enough to seek help and go from there. From now on you need regular access to his phone, you need to know all his passwords and he needs to step up as a father and stop going out drinking. He did this to himself so he needs to put severe amounts of effort it. Then decide whether be he is worth one more shot. Kids makes this so hard but you will find a way out if you need too, if my dad had done this to my mum i would have wanted her to escape. Good luck and so sorry you are going through this x

Original poster
ThatsJustGross · 07/01/2019 06:36

I have zero intention of giving this slimy sleaze a second chance. I was always too good for him anyway, if I do say so myself! definitely married beneath me. My mother will be pleased, they hate one another!

OP posts:
strawberrisc · 07/01/2019 06:43

You sound amazingly strong. Well done OP. There’s no coming back from this x

SamBaileys · 07/01/2019 06:44

God what a shock. You're at the start of a long journey but you'll get there, good luck.

Skittlesandbeer · 07/01/2019 06:46

Tell his mother, then tell him you’ve told her. Should shut him up for a while.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 07/01/2019 07:09

How horrible for you to find this. You must be reeling. At least you have the measure of the man now, and good you have a supportive family. Loook after yourself, and take all offers of help while you do what you have to. Good luck.

whassupmissus · 07/01/2019 07:16

Sorry op what a wanker