Found hundreds of dirty messages/pics/videos on husbands phone

[ThatsJustGross]

For about a year now I've suspected that my husband may have been seeing someone. Lots of (very) late nights at the pub every night, always needing to be at work etc.
I've always shrugged off the feeling, dismissed it as hormones, we've just had our third baby.
Well tonight curiosity got the better of me and while he was lying in a drunken state on the spare bed, I checked his phone.

There's hundreds of Whatssapp messages and texts to about 5 different women. really filthy, dirty things, pics of him, them, sex toys, videos etc. He was even messaging them while our daughter was in A and E with breathing difficulties. Just Gross.

I woke him up and asked him about it. He denied everything at the start, played dumb, pretended he didn't know what I was talking about. Demanded to know how I got his phone.

When backed into a corner admitted he had been messaging them, but denied he had met them. From the messages it was clear he had.

I have no idea what to do now. I have 3 kids under 6, I gave up my career to look after the children and support my Husband in his career. so no money, no family near by.

I want everything to be as smooth and normal as possible for the kids.
Sorry for the rambling post and spelling mistakes, I'm just so shocked and haven't slept all night.

OMFG! This is just vile. You do sound exceptionally strong and definitely deserve better.

How awful for you to have seen all the messages but I'm glad you saved some as evidence. What a dirty bastard, blaming you and your "fictional" affair. Cheaters often blame the innocent partner, to excise their filthy actions and ease their guilt. I know, I've been blamed.

He sounds very sleazy indeed. Where the funk did he get all these women from? Please get yourself checked out, I'm sure you will as you've clearly got a good head on your shoulders. Keep talking on here.

This man sounds like a classic emotional abuser...alot of red flags reminding me of my ex. He might not have ever hit you but trust me, emotional abuse is abuse. It’s a classic pattern: deny, then make it your fault for going through his phone, then accuse you of the same crime. After that, did he finally shake, and then retch/pretend to be sick, and fake cry with no real tears? Is the answer yes and you’re wondering how I knew that? They all sing from the same hymn sheet. Have a look at this link, it has a good checklist for a safety plan to get out of relationships like this www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

so on one of the messages was a phone number. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing but I called her. Was very calm and polite - its not her fault.
She had the decency to be honest with me, they met on a local swingers website, they've fucked several times, though not recently. She had no idea he was married - not that matters, she didn't make vows to me in front of me and family/friends.

Hes at work - self employed. we are in a ton of debt and I need him to get through the working day so we have some money coming in.

so shakey and feel like I'm going to vomit.

So sorry but now you know the truth.

You need legal advice. Book an appointment with a solicitor today. You can often get half an hour of free advice.

Tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live. Apart from that, do not engage with him at all.

You sound strong and capable. Once the initial shock wears off, you will be fine. Fucking angry, but fine.

Jeez. What a douchebag. Sending solidarity.

So it's probably been going on for a lot longer than just the year that you suspected then. What a vile POS, sorry for you OP, what a shock. He's been putting it everywhere, Get that STI check

You're amazing, OP! You can do this.

I feel your pain. I’m two years on from a similar discovery. I’m happy to report I left and I survived. You can do this!

Strength to you. You sound like a strong and smart woman.

I would take some legal advice personally. Good luck

I think you know that there simply is no going back after this. You do seem incredibly strong but I'm sure you're in shock after such an awful, life changing discovery. Finding out the man you've committed your life to is a disgrace and a complete stranger is fucking soul destroying. I truly hope you have a close friend/family members who is supporting you.

I agree with misskiki69. Its one thing to talk the talk but you got to do the walk, which is gonna be difficult by the sounds of it. Get as much documents and evidence out of there as you can, and get as much help from family as possible. What is your plan for when he gets home? Are you going to poker face it whilst you plot your next move, or are you going to confront him?

This must have come as a terrible shock. Please take care of your physical well-being - remember to eat and drink - it's easy to forget when you're in such turmoil.

Focus on the DC as small children will make you smile, even laugh, when nothing else would. Different situation, but when my DH was dying the company of my DC was a lifesaver. They gave me the motivation to keep going when I was (like you) living through a nightmare.

You and your DC will get through this one step at a time. I don't know your DH but I'm sure you're right in your decision to give him no second chances. The extent of his infidelity is so extreme - five women, ffs, the pictures, the messages - that there can be no question of it being a mistake or excusable in any way.

I agree with the advice given by a PP to tell his mother, and soon. Tell friends too. Get the information out there without delay. If you don't he'll likely try to tell people that he only cheated after you'd started an affair with your personal trainer.

Glad to hear you have supportive family. That's invaluable. And you sound stronger than I think I would be in your position. Your life will be better without this scuzzy man in it.