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Original poster

Ex defriended me on Facebook

60 replies

Grizzeldaa · 06/01/2019 23:44

We broke up on good terms 20 years ago. Stayed in touch and met up occasionally for a drink with our group of five housemates from uni. When Facebook became a thing we all became friends. We’ve known each other for a long time and it was nice to keep in touch with them all and see their lives develop. We’re all married with kids now and haven’t met up for several years.

I was reminiscing about something and looked up profiles to see how they were. My ex has defriended me and we have no mutual friends so he has obviously defriended the other three too. I’m confused. We’ve kept in touch for 20 years so why stop now, and even if he defriended me I don’t know why he’d do it to the others.

More than anything I just feel sick. I’m happily married with kids but I feel like I’ve lost part of myself. I feel cut off from my roots if that makes sense. I always thought we’d all stay in touch and have a drink together every now and then. I saw us five being old people together and thought we’d always be in touch. I’m shocked by how bereft and devastated I feel. I want to message him but I guess he doesn’t want to be in touch with me or he wouldn’t have defriended me. I don’t know why, or why now.

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 06/01/2019 23:46

Prior to defriending you when was the last time you communicated?

EBearhug · 06/01/2019 23:54

I know some people who have deleted their FB accounts as part of New Year Resolutions. It might be nothing about you.

MMmomDD · 06/01/2019 23:55

Send him a Messenger message? You don’t need to be friends to do that.
If it were me - and after such a long friendship - i’d want to know.

As to what happened - most likely - his GF or W had some issues with you being exes. Maybe she thought he had a secret regret or smth. And she made him de-friend you and the rest - so that there is no connection to that part of his history.
Silly and controlling, if you ask me

OldWomanSaysThis · 06/01/2019 23:55

I deleted all of my friends before de-activating my FB account.

Devilishpyjamas · 06/01/2019 23:56

Did he delete his account?

Original poster
Grizzeldaa · 06/01/2019 23:56

I really couldn’t say when we last communicated. We tend to just like or comment occasionally, on posts or big life events. Our friendship is very distant but nice to keep because we’ve known each other for so long. The last time we met up for an afternoon pint was about five years ago. I suppose I just valued that group of friends greatly, though we grew up and grew apart. More than anything I’m hurt and confused.

OP posts:
moreteaplease0 · 06/01/2019 23:56

When did the last two of you communicate?

moreteaplease0 · 06/01/2019 23:57

If you haven’t seen each other for five years you’re not really friends anymore, are you?

Original poster
Grizzeldaa · 06/01/2019 23:57

No he didn’t delete his account. It’s still there but he’s not my friend, and we have no mutual friends so he obviously defriended us all.

OP posts:
AornisHades · 07/01/2019 00:01

He's probably isolated the account. If he deletes it completely he'd lose pictures and posts but other than that he's not using it.

maximumcarnage · 07/01/2019 00:01

It’s interesting that you rarely communicate and that it’s been a long time since you met up, yet you feel devastated by being un friended on a social media platform.

I think there’s two likely possibilities. As some have suggested he’s deleted his account. Or perhaps he’s gone through his contacts and felt due to how little you communicate that it wasn’t worth keeping you on his friends list. And I suspect a few others too.

Certainly I’ve done it. Un friended and deleted accounts.

Original poster
Grizzeldaa · 07/01/2019 00:02

If you haven’t seen each other for five years you’re not really friends anymore, are you?

Depends how you see “being friends”. I have FB friends who I worked with ten years ago and they emigrated so will never see me again. I have distant relatives in Australia. And childhood friends who moved away. It’s nice to stay in touch with people you liked and who are part of your history, even if it’s just Facebook posts.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 07/01/2019 00:06

Sometimes people just drop off your friends list for no reason. They haven't noticed and neither have you until you tried to look them up. I bet if you send him a friend request he'll reappear. It's happened to me before.

Original poster
Grizzeldaa · 07/01/2019 00:06

It’s interesting that you rarely communicate and that it’s been a long time since you met up, yet you feel devastated by being un friended on a social media platform.

I just liked still having that circle of five friends from my youth, watching us all get older and progress through milestones, sharing photos of our lives and feeling that in some small way I hadn’t lost them. I think I’d feel almost equally devastated if any of the five had defriended the rest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grizzeldaa · 07/01/2019 00:11

perhaps he’s gone through his contacts and felt due to how little you communicate that it wasn’t worth keeping you on his friends list.

Yes. That’s what hurts - that he’s looked at his friends list and thought “I don’t have any further interest in those people”. After 20 years. I guess it means he doesn’t value knowing how our lives turn out or ever seeing us again. And I don’t know why.

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 07/01/2019 00:16

I’m sorry you feel this way. But I’m genuinely perplexed by your reaction. I’d have thought if you felt so strongly about this friendship you’d be making more of an effort to maintain regular contact. But it does seem to really bother you. Perhaps you should get in touch, start communicating more. Organise more frequent meet ups with your ye olde friendship circle?

See when I unfriended a contact it as because we almost never spoke. Or that our communications were very one sided. Perhaps they didn’t feel like you were bothered with them?

FamilyReferee · 07/01/2019 00:26

I have a regular FB sort out. I delete quite a few people. Often it is because we don't interact anymore - we don't like each others posts, we don't comment, we don't message - at which point, I don't feel there's a reason to stay FB friends anymore.

Original poster
Grizzeldaa · 07/01/2019 00:31

He’s never been one to post regularly on Facebook. I rarely saw a post from him so didn’t notice his absence. Especially since I’ve spent most of the last year struggling with a disabled newborn and didn’t think of much else.

I have cousins in Australia and we don’t communicate regularly but we do comment on photos and don’t lose touch because we’re part of each other. I had that sort of relationship with this circle of five friends. Living far apart but not wanting to cut off completely because we share a special bond from long ago. Except one person obviously didn’t feel it was special any more, and that really hurts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grizzeldaa · 07/01/2019 00:35

I guess I just treasured the tiny bit of connection we had left. Now for the first time I feel like I’ve lost him completely. It feels like admitting we five will never see each other again.

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 07/01/2019 00:39

You haven't lost him completely. You can still message him. Not everyone likes fb. Some people prefer to maintain private relationships.

NorthEndGal · 07/01/2019 00:40

Time to let go, and I mean that nicely
Maybe use this as a boost to reach out to the others, and keep those bonds strong

Musti · 07/01/2019 01:10

Set up a group WhatsApp group. That's what I have with my uni friends.

Original poster
Grizzeldaa · 07/01/2019 01:19

I don’t think there’s any point in setting up a chat group when he’s clearly unfriended the rest of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grizzeldaa · 07/01/2019 01:23

This is ridiculous because I’m a married mother and haven’t seen him for years, but I feel like I did when he broke up with me when we left uni 20 years ago. Cut adrift. Sick and sad at losing him. He was so important in my life and its hard to admit that I never was to him. It’s been over for decades but I always thought it was special and occupied a tiny nostalgic corner of our hearts. Obviously only my heart.

I always imagined all five of us as old people, having a pint together at the end of our lives, remembering being young together. Not now, or next year. But one day. I guess I never really felt like it was goodbye forever until now. I suddenly feel so, so old.

OP posts:
Banana1979 · 07/01/2019 01:39

Your mourning the loss of connection to your youth not him. Your memories will always be there. He isn't the epitome of your youth your memories are and u still have your other mates
He obviously does not place as much emphasis or nostalgia on your shared past experiences the same way you do and in 20 years hes had other relationships and has moved on cleared oyt people who he has little current connection with. You aren't really friends anymore tbh

You are reading into it too much anyway
If you are continually bothered by it send him a message say you noticed that you are no longer friends on fb , and it wld have been cool to stay in touch and you wish him well. If he reads the msg and doesnt respond well leave him be and focus on your many other memories