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Relationships

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Original poster

Ex defriended me on Facebook

60 replies

Grizzeldaa · 06/01/2019 23:44

We broke up on good terms 20 years ago. Stayed in touch and met up occasionally for a drink with our group of five housemates from uni. When Facebook became a thing we all became friends. We’ve known each other for a long time and it was nice to keep in touch with them all and see their lives develop. We’re all married with kids now and haven’t met up for several years.

I was reminiscing about something and looked up profiles to see how they were. My ex has defriended me and we have no mutual friends so he has obviously defriended the other three too. I’m confused. We’ve kept in touch for 20 years so why stop now, and even if he defriended me I don’t know why he’d do it to the others.

More than anything I just feel sick. I’m happily married with kids but I feel like I’ve lost part of myself. I feel cut off from my roots if that makes sense. I always thought we’d all stay in touch and have a drink together every now and then. I saw us five being old people together and thought we’d always be in touch. I’m shocked by how bereft and devastated I feel. I want to message him but I guess he doesn’t want to be in touch with me or he wouldn’t have defriended me. I don’t know why, or why now.

OP posts:

SpoonBlender · 07/01/2019 01:42

You're assuming he's specifically unfriended you. Odds are good he's had a "fuck social media" and unfriended everyone. About a quarter of the people I know have gone through that at some point.

Stop wallowing. It's not about you.

Original poster

Grizzeldaa · 07/01/2019 03:33

He posted Happy Birthday to me in September. I don’t remember seeing a comment from him since then. Nothing has changed that I’m aware of - it’s years since we both got married and had kids.

I’m just confused about why he’s decided to cut contact after making the effort to keep in touch for 20 years, with the other guys as well as me. Not even a goodbye, after 20 years. And more than anything I’m confused about my own emotional response - I’m happily married and it’s only Facebook and we haven’t seen each other for several years anyway, so why do I feel this sense of bereavement? Perhaps the pp was right in saying it’s more about clinging to the last thread connecting me to my youth.

OP posts:

TooManyPuppies · 07/01/2019 03:52

It's just Facebook. I have defriended people I no longer want knowing my business and others have randomly defriended me. I don't take it too seriously. Sometimes people just want to move on.

SuchAToDo · 07/01/2019 03:56

You do know that there are sometimes glitches in social media where a Facebook or Twitter account can unfollow or follow people without you even knowing about it...maybe it's that and he's unaware...

Just because you unfollow someone on social media doesn't mean you can't be friends with them in real life

You are being so over dramatic about this to the point it's looking like you were harbouring secret hopes/feelings of one day being with him again ...if you think I'm wrong then tell this whole.story to your husband along with all the frantically you have fed to us on here and I bet you he will think you are being over dramatic and ask you if you have feelings for the friend...

Either send him a message like.other people have suggested, and see if he replies...or move on,

This whole fairytale of the five of you growing old.may sound perfect in your head but that may not be what the others want for their lives,

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 07/01/2019 04:02

This is so bizarre, move on!

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 07/01/2019 04:02

This is so bizarre, move on!

Musti · 07/01/2019 07:51

Its just Facebook which you said he wasn't particularly active on. Seriously just send him a message saying that you'd noticed he was no longer on Facebook but would like to keep in touch. Then maybe talk to everyone and looonat organising a little get together and set up a WhatsApp group. Many of my old friends don't use or rarely use Facebook or hate it.

ravenscaw · 07/01/2019 07:55

I unfriended all but 18 very close friends last year and that works for me. But I was shocked at the dramatic/hostile way some people some reacted. People I barely knew from years before sending me weird messages. Just leave it, you weren’t friends. Live your life.

Fairylea · 07/01/2019 07:55

If you had passed him in the street would you have stopped and said hello / chatted?

Personally I only keep people on Facebook that I would talk to in real life if I passed them in the street.

If you haven’t spoken to each other for about 5 years there’s no connection there, is there?

Personally I’d be very upset if my dh had an ex on Facebook that he felt that attached to.

glamorousgrandmother · 07/01/2019 08:01

You say you have a newborn, maybe you are feeling more emotional than usual and, as someone else said, mourning a stage in your life when you were young and free of responsibilities. This happens. He's not part of your life now so, gently, I suggest you accept that and move on.

ravenmum · 07/01/2019 08:09

When my ex had an affair and we broke up, I didn't delete my FB account but I closed it for a while (can't remember the technical term) and deleted various old friends before I reopened it a year or so later. I did not want to broadcast the fact that I was going through a difficult time, and did not want to see their posts about their apparently healthy relationships. I didn't want my status to still say "married", but I also didn't want to dramatically change it to "single" and have anyone contact me about the change.

It's unlikely to be about you. Stop making it about you.

Mmer · 07/01/2019 08:12

Maybe you are feeling rejected by him because you thought you were friends. I can understand that. If you want to stay connected, send him a message in a few months when you aren't as emotional.

JennyHolzersGhost · 07/01/2019 08:34

Why not send an email round to the group suggesting trying to arrange a meet up in the coming year ? Then it will become clearer if he’s backed away from your group friendship or whether he’s just scaled back on Facebook friends or something.

ravenmum · 07/01/2019 08:38

Maybe just write him an email saying you hope he's OK and are there for him if he needs any help.

MaidenMotherCrone · 07/01/2019 08:41

Op has a newborn as a pp pointed out.

Case closed!

ErickBroch · 07/01/2019 10:54

Could be a new partner, or could be he just wants to not have you all on FB anymore? I delete people all the time and have a very small friends list of people I am actually interested in hearing from/their lives.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2019 10:59

Might have been said, but maybe his wife didn't like it and asked him to defriend you. He may have decided to defriend the rest to avoid any possible contact.

Mum4Fergus · 07/01/2019 11:08

It's Facebook FFS! Does anyone actually genuinely care who is or isn't 'friends' with them?! True friends make the effort to keep in touch in better ways than liking a photo of your dinner, like actually meeting, or phoning, or writing, you know...like adults.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 07/01/2019 11:10

Your feelings around this don't sound normal. Focus on your husband and newborn, not an ex you haven't seen for years.

Bombardier25966 · 07/01/2019 11:11

Might have been said, but maybe his wife didn't like it and asked him to defriend you.

I doubt the wife would care one bit. OP has said it is not a new relationship.

More likely the man has a life and isn't in the least bit interested in people he doesn't see for five years at a time.

Confusedbeetle · 07/01/2019 11:17

These ties should be loosened. Facebook friendship is a bad thing

sugarbum · 07/01/2019 11:20

What Banana1979 said.

I defriended an ex on FB a couple of years back now. We were part of a group of friends from 20-odd years ago, and although he was an ex, I didn't really see him that way any more. Just an old friend.

However DH has extreme anxiety issues and became rather obsessed with the fact I was 'liking' exes pictures and that there were two (completely innocent) messages between us.

For DHs sanity I defriended him. After all, I was never going to see him again. And whilst I liked seeing his updates about him, wife, children etc, it made no real difference to my 'real' life. And to be honest, that goes for anyone I'm 'friends' with on fb that I will literally never see again.

So it could be something like that, or he really isn't as invested in the past as you are. You need to let it go.

ravenmum · 07/01/2019 11:21

True friends make the effort to keep in touch in better ways than liking a photo of your dinner, like actually meeting, or phoning, or writing, you know...like adults.
You can write to people on Facebook, it's not just about liking things. But personally I find it quite nice that you can keep "slightly" in touch with people, e.g. by "liking" their news, that you would otherwise simply fall out of touch with altogether. I've lived outside of the UK for decades and would be uncomfortable writing to ancient schoolfriends as if we were penfriends, but the odd comment on Facebook means that if I am in the UK I can just mention it, and occasionally meet up for old times' sake - every 10-15 years or so without having to keep up some sort of strained conversation by post.

adaline · 07/01/2019 11:23

In the nicest way OP, you've not seen each other for five years and can't remember the last time you spoke. When he messaged you for your birthday, did you respond or strike up a conversation?

Personally I don't like having loads of friends on my social media. I don't see the point in staying "friends" with people I don't speak to or see in day-to-day life.

If he was so important to you, why haven't you seen him or spoken to him in so long?

VietnameseCrispyFish · 07/01/2019 11:26

It's Facebook FFS! Does anyone actually genuinely care who is or isn't 'friends' with them?!

Yes, millions of people do. It’s a way of keeping in touch with people. It’s great you’re so cool and breezy you don’t mind if your friends want to be linked to you on social media or not, but not everyone is like you. I’d have thought this post would have been evidence for you that some people do care?

OP, why do you feel you’ve lost the group when you still have the others? It sounds like he’s extricated himself but if the group is strong enough you’ll all remain friends! Or do you have reason to believe he was the lynchpin keeping it all together?

With a friend of such standing I’d send a message just saying you noticed he’d unfriended you and respect that but wondered is he’s okay or whether you’ve done something to upset him. It’s worth a try, then you’ll know for sure if he does respond and won’t be mulling it over creating different explanations for weeks to come. I certainly would want to make an attempt to find out why.

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