Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this acceptable contact for six months in?

27 replies

Lampshadeatnight · 06/01/2019 22:13

Just spent a lonely Christmas mostly on my own , as I have little family Contact and few friends. I have a partner of six months . I spent time with him and his family on Christmas Eve for a couple of hours and the same again on New Year’s Eve . Very little and random meet ups eg an hour here and there with sporadic messaging .. otherwise . We recently enjoyed a night away together . It was relaxed, loving and perfect but I can’t help but think that it’s all on his terms . He organises all of our meet ups when it suits him as he is very busy and family orientated whereas , my life is much quieter and I live alone . Am I being taken For a mug?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 06/01/2019 22:15

Does it meet your needs?

If yes, crack on.
If no, dump and move on.

It would meet my needs, but I'm an anti social fucker who needs a lot of space.

Are you sure he's single? Most married men would be able to get away with a few hours on XE/NYE and a very ocassional overnight "on business".

TokenGinger · 06/01/2019 22:21

Christmas Eve and New Years Eve seems quite big at only six months in, plus other contact in that time too. That would be enough for me but if it doesn’t meet your needs, end it.

Dirtybadger · 06/01/2019 22:25

What is sporadic texting? Every few days? Less/more?

And do you mean you have only ever spent a few hours together. Never stayed at one another's houses overnight or spent a day together? Or do you mean only a few hours on the few times over the Christmas period due to other commitments?

Original poster
Lampshadeatnight · 06/01/2019 22:26

I would like more . No he is not married. I spent the time with him and his family with who he is very close . We are both late 20’s. I have loved him from the beginning. He has grown closer to me more recently but maybe that is because I am so easy going and willing to go along with his plans. He will go along with mine, but only if it really suits him . Getting a bit confused about the gap between words and actions ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lampshadeatnight · 06/01/2019 22:29

Yes dirtybadger.. a few hours at his house on both evenings and then I went home . Messaging each day when he wasn’t out with his family or friends day / night . But we live 5kms from eachother ! Overnight once in a different town when all the festivities were over

OP posts:
Original poster
Lampshadeatnight · 06/01/2019 22:31

Normally I stay at his own house in the city, once a week and may see him another day or night also, depending on what is going on

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 06/01/2019 22:36

Sounds fine if it suits you.

I thought you meant you had never spent more than a few hours with him in 6 months which would ring alarm bells and no not be enough for most people. But people are busy over Christmas. The fact he has introduced you to family after 6 months is good.

Have you told him you would like more contact? How much more would you like? I would suggest thinking about that before you mention it as it may turn out that when you think about it, it's difficult to fit in much more if you both work FT and either of you have any hobbies etc.

Dirtybadger · 06/01/2019 22:36

He never comes to you? That does smell a bit like you're awfully convenient (in a way judging him not you!)

PolkaDoting · 06/01/2019 22:39

Nobody else can say if it’s acceptable. It’s either enough fir you or it’s not. It sounds like you want more and that’s fine, in which case this may not be the relationship for you.

Original poster
Lampshadeatnight · 06/01/2019 22:45

Dirtybadger he does come to me too but his place is far nicer and I prefer to go to him. No velour that’s not my thread. I will read it though. Polka , I think it’s not enough for me . It may be that I am too demanding .

OP posts:
velourvoyageur · 07/01/2019 08:39

Good idea, as the OP’s situation is identical to yours (down to planning on spending a couple of hours with her DP’s family on Xmas Eve), and she received a lot of good advice which culminated in her breaking up with him before Xmas. Maybe the advice will be helpful to you.

ravenmum · 07/01/2019 08:56

"Acceptable" makes it sound rather like there's a certain amount of contact a bf should provide, and anything less is substandard - I doubt that's what you actually think, but here's another voice saying that there is no such standard. If you want more you need to look for a different (not a better) boyfriend.

Doesn't sound like you are especially demanding, if you go along with what he says, but if you are feeling lonely then maybe you are a little too reliant on your partner for company? Someone mentioned captainawkward.com a day or to ago and I noticed it has some good tips for finding company.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2019 09:01

I think the problem is that you don't have close family or other things to fill your time with like he does.

It would suit me as I'm family orientated and would be spending time with my family and he does.

No offence...but you come across as a tad needy.

Productrecall · 07/01/2019 09:05

You're not too demanding. I'd be a bit wary of someone who only wanted to meet on their own terms tbh. Maybe not as far as him being married, but if contact is sporadic and only when he is interested because he has no other offers on, I'd be wondering if I was the only one. Shouldn't he want to make loads of time to see you at 6 months in?

ravenmum · 07/01/2019 09:12

My bf has a daughter he parents 50/50 and a rigid work schedule, whereas I have no family here and am a freelancer - so we also usually meet on days that are convenient for him, as I'm more flexible. So if you are in the same position, it may just be natural and not a red flag.
The difference between my position and yours is probably that I enjoy spending time alone (like NotTheFordType), and don't want anything more out of the relationship. Like you I was alone on Christmas Day, but I knew my bf was with his daughter and didn't want to disturb them, and didn't feel especially lonely. This setup suits some people fine, but not others.

SonataDentata · 07/01/2019 09:21

Listen to your gut - he’s not meeting your needs and you don’t have to apologise for being too demanding. It’s a mismatch between the two of you and what you each want, not something you’ve done wrong. I suggest discussing it with him and if things don’t improve then breaking it off. In all honesty, it sounds like he isn’t that into you. I highly recommend having a good read of the excellent Baggage Reclaim blog if you haven’t found it already.

Chamomileteaplease · 07/01/2019 09:36

So you spend one night a week with him and one evening a week with him? That doesn't sound awful but I can see why you would want a bit more time with him.

What is he doing when he is not with you?
Has he spoken about taking things slowly for some particular reason?

I would have thought it would be normal for a young couple in their 20s to spend NYE together. I take it he doesn't have kids?

Chamomileteaplease · 07/01/2019 09:36

Oh and if I were you I would build up my friendships with other people. It is never a good idea to be reliant on a romantic partner. Really make that a priority for 2019 Smile.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2019 10:54

my life is much quieter and I live alone

That's the crux of it.

I have loved him from the beginning

That's another issue. How can you have loved him from the beginning?

6 months is really no time relationship wise.

What did you do with your time before you met him?

You really need your own social life and network outside of him.

You do seem to be relying on him to be the source of your enjoyment.

I'll also add that a man posting this would be called clingy.

To me... your BF has a life without you....OTOH... you need him to fill your time more.

It's not healthy IMO... as people in your position end up devastated and lonely when the relationship ends. Because your whole life centred around the Ex.

I don't think you're being taken for a mug. You just need to do more for yourself. Find a hobby...develop an interest...take up a sport.

These things broaden your horizons and make you a more interesting person to be around.

SparklyMagpie · 07/01/2019 11:08

@velourvoyageur I've just read through all of that thread, it is absolutely identical isn't it

PatriciaHolm · 07/01/2019 11:55

Of course that's OP's thread as well. As was the previous, exact same situation one. Same situation, same syntax, same phraseology.

Not sure what OP is wanting really.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 07/01/2019 12:00

Christmas Eve and New Years Eve seems quite big at only six months in

Really?

Six months in you’re usually pretty sure whether it has legs, in love or moving towards it. I’d be really confused if I wasn’t spending xmas eve and NYE with someone six months in! Our first xmas was after five months of together and we spent Xmas eve and Xmas day together instead of with family.

Holdingoutforalotterywin · 07/01/2019 12:06

This wouldn’t be enough for me. I am looking to find a life partner and someone to share the special times with. I want to spend xmas and new year with someone and I want someone to bumble around with at the weekend, and also a couple of nights a week hopefully building up to living with him and creating a joined up life together. I can see why that might not suit every man depending on his life circumstances. But it would mean that he wouldn’t be the man for me. At six months I would expect to be spending quite a lot of time together so that I could be figuring out if he is someone I could spend my life with. If you feel the same way then you should ask him what he wants and how he sees it developing. It is not needy to want a full time relationship. If you want those things then you need to get them or at least identify if you are with a man who won’t be able to give them to you for whatever reason so that you can do the difficult thing and move on to find someone whose overall plans fit yours xx

SparklyMagpie · 07/01/2019 12:20

"Christmas Eve and New Years Eve seems quite big at only six months in"

I wouldn't say so,me an my boyfriend have been together Just over 7 months and he spent Xmas eve with me and we spent new years eve at his friend's house with a group of mates