Our dysfunctionl family - how can I fix it for my kids?

[FedupofFamily]

dh and I married 5 years ago. We last saw his parents on our wedding day. His mother was disgusted that we did not have the wedding she wanted. She is waiting for an apology for dh marrying me. dh believes the only time he will be able to build bridges with his mother is if we divorce.
We have had two gorgeous sons in the last five years. dh and I love each other completely. He has had to choose me over his mother. I have sent pictures of my babies, invites to visit, nice cards etc ever since ds1 was born to my parents-in-law (always with my dh blessing) But nothing in 5 years - they have never seen or cuddled their adorable grandsons. dh parents send expensive presents, cards and letters to my sons (who are 1 and 2) but ignore invites, or make up excuses when we invite them to visit. I, personnally have not spoken to either MIL or FIL since just after the wedding dinner. My sons will soon be of an age when we need to explain. I can't give up for their sake, but my husband thinks it is a lost cause. BTW dh has two brothers and MIL hates both their wives. dh's brothers have not seen their mother for 7 and 3 years respectively (since they got married, actually).
I don't want to give up, for dh and ds sakes, but how can you fix this one? My own father died many years ago and my mother is not interested in my children. My gorgeous boys do not have a single doting grandparent. I makes me want to cry.

Poor you It sounds as if there is not a lot you can do about your dh's family. If they have done the same to his other two brothers, then they must mean business. It might be hard, but I would try to just let go. My h's dad and his partner are similar in that they only see ds on birthdays and Christmas, and show no interest really at any other time. H is resolved to this, and is fairly happy with the situation. However, I spent a long time inviting them over, only to have them shifting about in their chairs waiting until they could scurry off home. I have come to the conclusion that I will just have to accept that this is their way. I know that it is not the same scenario by a long shot, but you may have to become resolved to yours.

More importantly, why is your mother not interested? Is there any way that you can resolve this issue?

Hi fedup. haven't really got any advice but wanted to say that I admire your tenacity. Seems like you're doing everything you can. Do your bils have children too? Can you speak to them / their wives about it? Is it worth coming out with it all - putting it in writing. A last-ditch attempt to explain to them why you think it's important? Having said all that I think that as parents we cannot be responsible for the relationships that other adults have (or choose not to have) with our kids. My dad doesn't take as much interest as I'd like but - to dds - I've never made an issue out ot it. the last thing I want them to think is that they are being rejected. he's just Grandpa and they see him maybe 2-3 times a year - and they've never thought to question it. And I kind of hope they never do.

My older sister, who has always had (mental) problems got herself pregnant (at 37) by a man she hardly knew, about 6 months after she found out that I was pregnant (she could not bear me giving Mum a grandchild and her not).
I spoke to my Mum before my first son was born, and asked her to make sure that my sister's baby did not completely overshadow and draw away from my Mum's first grandchild (my son). I know what my sister is like.
Anyway it has. My sister asked my Mum to be her birthing partner and my Mum bonded with her grand-daughter from day one. She thinks my son is 'badly behaved' (at 2). My own sister has told me my Mum finds my son 'difficult' (read 'normal toddler') She doesn't come and visit unless I beg her to. She never rings. She lives with my sister and her daughter and that is all the family she needs. ds2 was very ill over Christmas and I begged my Mum to come and help out - she was busy with my sister and her grand-daughter. My sister has always been jealous of me. She has now succeeded in taking my mother away from her grandsons. Agreed, my sister is needier than me - but why should my sons suffer for that?

FedupofFamily. I'm afraid I agree with Chinchilla. Given their modus operandi in falling out with all the DIL, I think your PIL are somewhat of a lost cause, and that you will just end up getting hurt yourself by continuing to bash against the brick wall. It is unfortunate that your children don't have a doting grandparent - but that isn't any reflection on the value of you, your children or dh, and doesn't mean that your children will necessarily suffer because of it. It sounds like your PIL are very controlling and difficult to say the least, so may not have been a healthy influence on your children in any event. IMHO any outsider to the family who dotes on the children could fulfil the doting grandparent role just as well as any blood relative.

take care

Oooops - I was responding to chinchilla, but I tend to mess around with my chatname (to reflect the problem). FedupofFamily is also EvanMom.... We are the same person. That will teach me to be clever. Idiot! Have another glass of wine.

Fedup - I didn't even twig that you were the same as Evanmom

It really isn't any reflection on your merit as a person that your mum appears to be favouring for your sister - just very bad luck on your part, and unfair behaviour by your mother. Unfortunately family life isn't fair - as they say you can choose your friends, but not your family. Also sounds like your mum is not used to dealing with boys behaviour, so doesn't quite know how to deal with your son, which doesn't help matters...

We do not see one BIL (MIL poisoned that relationship spreading rubbish). Other BIL is divorced (2 kids) and now with a new wife. Things are better with him, but his wife cannot bear to talk about MIL. She has been on the receiving end of MIL's hatred (and it's not pretty). None of the brothers really talk any more. Even sadder.

oh dear. but tbh do you really want those sort of people having access to your grandchildren and possibly poisoning them against you - what I think you are missing is the possibility of your kids having loving grandparents, rather than a reality if you see what i mean. You really do need to distance yourself from someone so poisonous - and build up your own self esteem so that you realise that it is not your fault that your mum and MIL have behaved like this to you.

You are right - MtoS. What I want so badly is my gorgoues sons to have a doting grandparetn (just one....) I had a special relationship with my grandparents. I think the grandparent-granchild relationship can be SO special. My sons will never know that.
Strange, but true - shopping in Sainsbury's a few months back (before ds2 was born) an old gentleman stopped me, took my son's hand and said "what a gorgeous little boy... there's a little lad looking for a grandad".
Never a truer word uttered! I cried about that later.

I think MTS makes a good point - that there is potential for that special relationship with other doting people - not neccessarily blood relatives. the sad, and ridiculous thing is, that there are lots of older people out there who are lonely and would love the chance to dote on a little boy. This might sound a bit off the wall, and sorry if it's out of turn, and I know there's no way it could be a substitute but could you explore the possibility of doing a bit of voluntary work with the elderly where you could take dss along? it could give them, and you, and some older people a huge amount of pleasure. (I used to work in old people's homes and the places just light up when children come to visit)

oh hatter - you are so right. I love old people and have always thought that i should do some voluntary work to help out old people that have no family to love them....
That is such a good idea.... I never came full circle and thought of that one.
My sons are beautiful and we get stopped all the time shopping, expecially by older people. Yesterday a lady stopped me, touched my sons and said "I bet your granny and grandpa love you!!!"
Maybe I shoud just go and find a granny and grandpa!!! The real granny and grandpas don't know how lucky they are!!!!!!!

It makes me feel so sad to read all this, it's a shame it has to be this way but perhaps you can take comfort in the fact that you provide a loving, stable and happy home for your children and that what they have never had won't be missed. You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends and you have been the better person in this from what you have said. I don't understand it when Grandparents behave like this, the love I have for my dd's overwelmes me sometimes and I hope that they are never alienated from me like that.

Hanna - I would love nothing more in life than a close, close family and extended family. Life is hard and family should mean everything; "us against the world". But for us, it is just me, dh and ds1 and 2. We have loads of family out there, but it is all blown apart and ugly.

Hi Fedup, I have not long joined mumsnet and I take great comfort in the fact I now have a whole nation of Mums to talk to about lifes ups and downs, I hope you feel better about things soon.

I'm glad you didn't think I was talking crap!

Hi Fedup.

I'm so sorry about your situation. It sounds so awful.
I can't believe anyone could be so bitter and twisted that they wouldn't want to see their grandchildren. I'm not sure if there is anything else you can do to try and fix it, after all you have invited them to visit and they have declined.
Hatters' idea is good, I know that my parents were stand in grandparents to some children whose gps were dead. They weren't heavily involved but my mum in particular is very good with children and they relate really well to her.

Anyway, I am lucky that my children still have two loving gp's and my dhs' parents were doting when they were alive, but I have a brother I don't see because of difficult SIL. The only way I can cope is to shut off the pain, I still love my brother, and would love to see him but unfortunately there are such cruel people in the world, and I don't see how anyone could ignore their grandchildren like your MIL

You must have the patience of a saint! Given MIL's loathing of her other DILs, I'd have to agree that she is a lost cause.
I have my own problems with in-laws. MIL has never really liked me as before I came along, DH used to spend quite a lot on her, taking her away on hols and so on (she divorced DH's philandering father a long time ago and he left her high and dry). She expects to be treated like a bit of a princess and her children are her whole life (never had a job). Equally, my BIL and especially SIL have always been a bit hostile, as over the years DH has paid their mortgages, put them through college, etc, and funnily enough, once he got married they found the money dried up a bit. Nothing to do with me, DH just wanted to start a family of his own, but of course they all blame me.

SIL in particular is insanely jealous of what she thinks I have - perfect husband, 2 lovely babies, nice home as I'm a bit of a homemaker and like cooking etc. She, on the other hand, is a bit older than me, has a great career as a TV presenter but is so emotionally stunted that she can't keep a relationship going for more than 5 mins. One minute they're getting married, the next she's PG, then he leaves her, she has an abortion and then has a nervous breakdown. This has happened 4 times now (although only 1 abortion to my knowledge).

Ever since DS was born she's been making snide remarks about me not bonding with him (rubbish), and how she could really have a great relationship with him as she's so good with kids (also rubbish). This all came to a head 4 months ago when DD was born, and MIL was staying with SIL. I had a c-section, baby was underweight, and we were in hospital for a week. We invited MIL to see DD as soon as I got home. Apparently this wasn't soon enough as we received a series of ranting phone calls from SIL telling us how selfish we were, followed by a letter from BIL telling DH I was a failed mother having never bonded with DS, that DH and I were selfish beyond belief (this from a man who has been financially bailed out by DH several times), and that DS was "developmentally retarded relative to his peers, obese due to forcing onto solids too early, and insecure as his mother makes him clingy". This man had met DS twice, has no kids of his own, and is gay, so not a lot of experience of kids generally!

As a result MIL just never bothered to visit, never called to say she wasn't coming, and since then has never met DD. She rings DH now and acts as though nothing ever happened. As far as I'm concerned none of them will ever set foot in this house again - if they all want to stick together denigrating me and my family then they can shove it. The funny thing is, the only reason we ever saw them in the first place was because I used to encourage DH that he should make the effort - he'd decided years ago that they were a bunch of self-obsessed takers who weren't worth the effort.

Sorry to ramble. Life isn't a dress rehearsal - don't waste time trying to change things you can't. If your MIL is that bitter and unpleasant then do you really want your children exposed to her anyway? I couldn't care less that my kids won't know their aunt, uncles and granny, as my own brother and parents are so wonderful with them, it more than makes up the difference.

PS forgot to say - subject for discussion on Jeremy Vine's radio show today (12-2pm) is in-laws.

www.bbc.co.uk/radio2/shows/vine/ (sorry, I just cannot work out how to make a link

Maybe we should phone in??

lulupop - wow.
I don't have the patience of a saint - I just have faith in human nature. I always thought she would come round in the end, but she hasn't and I now don't think she ever will.
The reason I stick with it is that my Mum is not really interested, my father is dead, my sister is self-centred and my brother is so laid back he is almost horizontal. He rarely sees my kids and has forgotten the three birthdays my two sons have had between them. So all in all we are very thin on the ground with family that care. I am working very hard to make a close family unit of dh, me and my boys and hope to add another child to it soon - at least they'll have each other.
I bumped into an old gentleman this morning who I have never met before, who as it turns out turned 90 last week. He said he loved children and was sad that he and his wife had never had kids. He said he would love to have grandchildren. He thought my boys were gorgeous (both curly white blond hair). I nearly said to him "will you be their grandad?... they haven't got one". Seemed a bit forward
Rather ironic, I thought. The real grandparents don't care and a sweet old man showed more interest (and has at least met them)....

Know exactly what you mean fedup

I have two very beautiful children and only my mum and stepdad dote of them, but they live far away.

MIL puts SIL son first. FIL is dead

My dad is the biggest arsehole alive and we have no contact.

Sorry but I dont know what to say. I feel jealous of 'normal' families and wish my children had the same support of grannies and grandads. My gran and grandad used to look after me alot when my sister was in hospital and we were/aree (GHran still alive) very close. I was even close to my other grandparents when young but when my mum and dad divorced they divorced me too Rejection is hard but you cant you people. At the end of the day its their loss, not yours. Remember that

should say you 'cant' change people

... and what seems so futile is that I have no doubt in my mind that my MIL is not happy. She has three lovely sons who she has not seen for years. She has seven grandchildren and she only sees two (occasionally - and she deals direct with her son's ex-wife for those visits). Why not accept an offer to visit, and please, let's move on???
My father is dead and has never met dh or dss. He would love all three if he were here. They on the other hand are very much alive and are bitter, too proud (?), twisted, and very, very stupid.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

..oh and one more thinsg... always be suspicious of your future MIL when she tells you on your second meeting with her "....I'm a lovely person, I am...."

Fed up, I also never see my inlaws any more since they decided to turn nasty as they had got it into their heads that I had been a porn star in a previous life! They just would not listen to our denials and basically wrote me off. They wanted to go on seeing our ds but we felt we could not allow him to see people who held such beliefs about me. My dh was adamanant also that they should treat my dds (dh's stepdds) equal to ds, which they would not do.

DH decided to wash his hands of them. How can you forgive such a thing. What would they say? Oh, sorry, I got it wrong, you're not a prostitute or a rubbish mum, and your daughters are not trash after all? It just can't happen.

My mother died eleven years ago from alcoholism, my dad is okay but only see him once every few weeks. My secret weapon is the lovely 77 year old lady and 81 year old man next door. They have 2 lovely 40ish daughers who as yet don't have kids. So it is just great to mingle with them and let my kids grow fond of some genuinely lovely old people.

Horrible situation fedup/Evanmom. Hatter's idea sounds excellent ? I know where I live they have befriending schemes for elderly, isolated people. Or, if you have time, you could help out with Meals on Wheels and take the kids along. Have a look in the local library, they usuall have details of all sorts of community schemes. When I was growing up my sisters and I had many 'adopted relatives' including special 'other' grandparents. In fact my sister and I are in competition over who has the first chance to use my 'other' grandmother's name for a dd. So you can develop that very close relationship with someone who isn't a blood relative