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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Coping with wifes affair

34 replies

lefty82 · 06/01/2019 16:47

Found out in feb that wife of 5 years (been together 15) had been having an affair for about six months with someone she'd met whilst on a hen do.

She got pregnant, i found out the day they they'd been for an abortion.

We have two young children, which is the only reason were still together as i cant see any other way.

I work full time, she works two afternoons a week.

If we split up we'd have to sell house etc, how do we make this work?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:

Whattodo1010 · 06/01/2019 16:50

Did she tell you or did you find out?

So sorry you are going through this.

I think it’s up to you how you can deal with this and whether you want to. Time will help so don’t make any decisions straight away. What has your wife said about it?

I’m sure a poster with experience of this will be along soon and have something better to say xx

Original poster

lefty82 · 06/01/2019 16:56

Hi,

I found out, had an odea dor a while something was going on, confronted her but she denied it.

Found messages on facebook, locations, times they were together and eventually afyer a couple of months when found out they were still in contact spple to him.

Been trying to deal with it, got to a point now where cant see way throuh it togther.

The kids are the most important tging to me however.

OP posts:

Orange6904 · 06/01/2019 16:58

What was her reaction to being found out? Does she want to work it out? Sorry for your situation, it must be really painful to deal with.

Chocolate50 · 06/01/2019 17:02

How awful for you OP. How did you find out? If she told you that's a better sign than you incidentally finding out. I think if you want to be with her & she wants to be with you then you will find a way. I would try talking to Relate who you can see alone or with your wife. I say start with a conversation with her, try & explain how bad you feel & find out why she felt the need to have an affair, and decide together what you're going to do - like I say you might need some help from a counsellor from somewhere like relate to help you both with this situation

Musti · 06/01/2019 17:03

I wouldn't be able to forgive that. I'd never be able to look at her the same way nor trust her. She also put you at risk of STD if she was having unprotected sex with the other man.

Original poster

lefty82 · 06/01/2019 17:04

Its awful, shes lied to minimise what went on.

I think were both at a point now where to much has happened to work it out.

Were kind of just co existing together

I feel totally stuck

OP posts:

brick15 · 06/01/2019 17:09

When you say the kids are the most important thing, what do you mean by that? Is it that they have both parents seemingly together or are you worried you won’t see them if you split up?

Original poster

lefty82 · 06/01/2019 17:09

I cant forgive her, the lebel of beyrayal and the lies is to much.

I dont know if i can face not being with the kids though especially when theyre so young.

She had an std test after i found out. It was clear.

OP posts:

DrMorbius · 06/01/2019 17:10

The general view on here mate, is that both parties must want it 100%. The strayed party has to be honest and answer every single question the injured party asks (however excruciating).
If there is any doubt in your mind or her mind, then it's not going to work. If you still have unanswered questions, then it's not going to work.

Question - why do you to want stay with someone who was shaggjng someone else for six months? How will you feel if she goes out at night? When she is late home? When she is not contactable by phone. How will you feel when her phone pings?

Original poster

lefty82 · 06/01/2019 17:12

Id see the kids, i dont doubt that but not everyday. Its not the life wed planned for them, so worries how it would effext them if we split.

Also not sure how wed do it, she works two afternnoons a week currently. Hiw do we agford two homes etc?

OP posts:

Original poster

lefty82 · 06/01/2019 17:15

I dont want to be with her, thats the thing.

I feel totally stuck and dont know how to move forward.

Also im struggling with the idea of breaking up the home life of the kids, and seeing the a couple of times a week or whatevers agreed.

OP posts:

Orange6904 · 06/01/2019 17:15

What has she said after the initial finding out? Is she sorry or still lying?

Orange6904 · 06/01/2019 17:17

Okay just seen your post that you don't want to be with her. Hopefully some posters with more experience will reply.

Original poster

lefty82 · 06/01/2019 17:18

Still lying, i jad to find everything out for myself. Hidden phones etc.

I think she is sorry, knows it was wrong. The OM was married so feels bad for what shes do e to his wife.

Theres no way back for us, i know that.

OP posts:

VietnameseCrispyFish · 06/01/2019 17:19

Trust me when I say kids fare better with divorced parents than married parents who are unhappy/don’t respect or love one another. They’ll adjust and adapt.

You’ve made your choice you can’t stay with her so is it the practicality of splitting that you’re unsure about now? What part are you struggling with?

Is there a reason you believe you’ll only be awarded custody of a couple of days per week rather than 50/50?

InkyAndBinky · 06/01/2019 17:19

It sounds very deliberate and cruel of her. A one night drunken fling is bad enough but this is something else. I wouldn't want to continue the marriage and would initiate a divorce.

Is there a reason she only works two afternoons? If she went back full time then maybe you could both afford your own homes. Also, might it be possible for you to cut your work hours so you could have the kids more than the 'standard' every other weekend. I don't see why you and your kids relationship should be rationed due to her actions.
Have you got all your paperwork together? You may want to sort things out as much as possible before initiating a split.
If possible it would probably be in everyone's interests for the split to be as amicable as possible. What's done is done and it's probably pointless trying to discuss it with her.
Make sure you have an STD check.
I hope you have some friends and family who can support you. Have you kept 'evidence' of her affair. Not sure if there is any point but you might as well keep it.
Good luck.

greendale17 · 06/01/2019 17:19

She got pregnant, i found out the day they they'd been for an abortion.

^Completely unforgivable. Do not stay together for the kids.

Time to get everything in order and divorce her. Also go for full custody.

Original poster

lefty82 · 06/01/2019 17:24

No doubt it would be 50/50 custody, still not the same as being with then all the time though. the kids are young so she only works two afteroons a week so she can look after them.

I woulsnt be able to cut my hours.

It is the practicalities that i am struggling with massivley.

Also i havent spoken anybody about this.

OP posts:

DrMorbius · 06/01/2019 17:27

OK @lefty, important thing now is that all arrangements that stood when married are now null and void. For example your soon to be ExW DW working 2 afternoons is not set in stone. You don't have to recreate the old life across two homes.
Seek legal advice ASAP. Find out where you stand.

MiddleClassProblem · 06/01/2019 17:29

That’s awful. You should definitely not be in a romantic relationship with her. You will need to co parent with her.

Some find it possible to cohabit but it really depends how you would feel once she starts dating.

The other option is someone moving out to rent. And the shit thing is that due to her still being a big part of the childcare, most likely it would be you but ffs you don’t deserve that.

Have you looked into full time childcare costs? It might be worth visiting the idea of her returning to work. On the gov site there’s a link to a calculator to see what you are entitled to for free childcare.

MumsyJ · 06/01/2019 17:29

I totally agree with @VietnameseCrispyFish your kids will definitely adapt. Your happiness comes first. I really applaud you living under same roof given the gravity of her sins.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 06/01/2019 17:29

She’d probably have to start working more to support herself if you divorced.

You’ve not been getting any support from family or friends? It must be very isolating.

In your shoes I’d seek legal advice now so you know what the next steps are, who remains in the home, who leaves and to where, what the divorce process looks like.

I know it’s not what you wanted for your life but, without sounding insensitive, if you take into account the reality of what your relationship has been like since she started the affair, the position you’re in now is a good one and it’s the best option of a rubbish situation. You didn’t know before your marriage wasn’t monogamous, you do now. You’re better off a great single dad or eventually meeting someone who won’t betray you than living with and trying to sleep next to someone who’s capable of this level of betrayal and destruction. Only a monster could betray the person they made vows to over and over again for such a long time, risking destroying their children’s household for her own selfish desires. There is nothing for you in this woman. She’s not the person you thought she was, sadly.

Best option would have been for her never to throw her knickers to the wind with another man, worst option would be for you to still be being made a fool of. The reality you have now is that you know the marriage is over, and the only way is up: thank god you now know.

Orange6904 · 06/01/2019 17:37

Just read that you haven't told anyone, is there anyone you trust in real life, it's an awful thing to go through alone @lefty82

ErickBroch · 06/01/2019 17:39

I had divorced parents, both worked full-time, and I had a happy childhood. Very happy! I am so sorry for what you are going through but trust me, leaving will be better for your children than staying and resenting each other.

Original poster

lefty82 · 06/01/2019 17:47

Thanks for the replies.

I think i know what needs to be done, id of left the day i found out if it wasnt for the kids.

I do have friends / family who i trust to talk to, i dont really want anyone to know though.

OP posts:

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