Coping with wifes affair

[lefty82]

Hi

Found out in feb that wife of 5 years (been together 15) had been having an affair for about six months with someone she'd met whilst on a hen do.

She got pregnant, i found out the day they they'd been for an abortion.

We have two young children, which is the only reason were still together as i cant see any other way.

I work full time, she works two afternoons a week.

If we split up we'd have to sell house etc, how do we make this work?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

I saw you post and felt for you. I've caught my wife in the arms of another man this Thursday kissing him. She's previously had cyber sex with him whilst I was in hospital. I found this on her messenger account. On Thursday she told me she was going for petrol but I had a feeling. There they were in the back of his shop. So for your dilemma I would struggle to keep it together. If you file for divorce under adultery you might even be able to apply for custody of your children. It's about choices. How can you sleep next to the person you thought vowed to love and cherish you, only to cheat on you?

Surviving infidelity - great support website

Hi PD61 sorry to hear your going through is also.

From what ive read becasuse ive left it longer tjan 6 months i could file for divorce under adultery.

Tbe 1st 6 months were hell, i didnt sleep very much.

Im now at a ppint where i know we cant be together, and we are for convienience.

Hi mate, so sorry to hear your story. Been in a similar place myself around 15 years back. The level of betrayal you have suffered is awful, I really feel for you. I agree there is no going back from that, particularly as she is not being completely truthful.

You are quite correct in wanting to leave, and completely understandable that you have taken time to consider what is best for your kids. From my own experience I can say my now 17 year old DC is happy, well adjusted and has managed to maintain a loving relationship with both parents following our divorce. She also gets on very well with my current DW and her younger half siblings.

Your children will adjust - what is important is they know they are loved and have a home. It does them no good to be in an unhappy house.

You need to get some legal advice, but it is possible to get a divorce fairly easily, if you are both in agreement. It is rare in UK for either party to contest a divorce. The key is to agree your finances. As others have said, your STBXW will probably have to work more. You can get some idea of Child support amounts in different scenarios by using the CSA calculator at www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

If you can come to a financial and residency settlement between you, your legal costs will be much lower.

Regarding contact time, I'd suggest you focus on quality rather than quantity. If you can make 50/50 work that is good but regardless of how your wife has behaved towards you, you must first consider the children's needs and how she is as a parent to them. Chances are she loves them as much as you do, so it is best to share the parenting somehow. If you work full time then 50/50 is difficult for younger kids.

I completely understand that you don't feel ready to talk in real life. I never did either - but as you have found, Mumsnet is great for support.

Thanks alvinp, the current situation isnt working.

The thought of moving out if the family home is worrying as is everyone knowing whats happened, especially family etc.

Its a total mess

Just wanted to say hi and share my story my ex had an affair and then a baby with the OW. We had three small children the youngest being 3 months when I found out. I asked him to leave I couldn't bare him not only what he did to me but to our family and the children. We are settled in a routine of him seeing the children and he has gone on to his next partner. I felt a huge amount of guilt that I was the one that split our family up as I asked him to leave and he still says that now to this day I split the family up. Have struggled and still struggle to this day that my children are not brought up in a 'family' and they are not in a Normal stable family life. The guilt and sadness eats me up.

Then I remember the feeling I had when he was around when I found out the constant head fuck of where was he who was he with and I give my head a shake and think I know I did the right thing. I'm not a doormat and deserve to be happy and that would be without him. I may of chose to be selfish and ask him to leave but it was and will be the right decision. I am lucky that I see my kids everyday as I do all the school runs etc he drops them off to me after he has has them so I can take them.

It will be hard but you will adjust but most important you deserve to be happy and being brave and selfish is what you need to do. Good luck you'll probably be very happy one day x

Hi ivegotthisyeah, thanks for sharing.

I also have a great sadness and guilt for what this is doing to the kids. I feel its robbed them of the life i wanted for them.

I appreciate all the advice, thanks.

I think reading your most recent posts OP that you should get some advice from a legal person, try legalbeagles - free and anonymous, or see a solicitor for a free half hour, you want to keep it simple, co parenting - you want half time with the children, or as much as your work commitments allow. You want little disruption to the children as possible. There will of course be some disruption to the family but in the end it'll be better for them not to live with parents who are cheating and can't trust, they will pick up on this tension and you don't want that for them

It is hard but divorce is probably the best in the long term

Agree you shoud have legal advice - you could petition under adultery but also unreasonable behaviour, assuming you are in the UK. The reasons won't matter wirh respect to child arrangements or finance.