When did you know it was the end?

[onyxopals]

A none abusive relationship, 1 DC. Feels like the unhappiness in our relationship is outweighing the happiness now.

But when did you know for sure it was the end?

When I thought of him with another woman and felt absolutely nothing, I was past caring.

When I thought of another 30 years with him and felt empty inside, iykwim.

When I could see him slowly turning into his miserable twat of a father.
Etc etc etc.

Do you think counselling would help or are you too far past wanting to stay?

When I didn’t like not only his behaviour but mine.

Also non abusive but the resentment was awful & had adverse affects

When the balance of the scales tipped and I knew the bad times well outweighed the good times we had together.

@Ruddygreattiger2016 I'm not sure if counselling would help. I just feel like we don't trust each other and the love we have for each other isn't enough to spend another 40-50 years together!

When he'd been away on a really long business trip and I had been wondering for a long time whether I'd be better without him. I was happier when he was away and I knew I'd know for sure the moment when he returned. My heart just sank when I heard his key in the door, I wasn't pleased he was back at all. That moment was the final confirmation I'd been waiting for

Maybe pluck up the courage and just have an honest conversation with him, he may feel the same or suggest ways to reconnect. If he feels the same an amicable separation is possible, keeping your dc as the most important thing.
I feel for you being in the limbo stage, it's so hard keeping the questions and uncertainty in your head. If you have good friends and family don't be afraid to talk to them, they can be a godsend in times like this

I'm at the same stage of wondering. Separated earlier this year but allegedly trying again. He left due to my drinking and poor behaviour but the drinking was a symptom of my unhappiness. The post about knowing when a person didn't like their own behaviour really resonates. Nothing has changed (except i have stopped drinking complelety) despite his claims to work on the problems causes by his controlling behaviour and tendency to prioritise everyone over his family. But yet I can't seem to let go. I'm away with work on Tuesday for a week and will spend a lot if time thinking and see if we actually miss each other.

What is your gut feeling OP? Why do you think you don't trust each other?

For me, it was hearing that a separated married friend had started dating a man she was crazy about - and feeling very jealous of her, despite the acrimony of her divorce!

I mulled over why I was jealous. Then I thought - probably for the first time - that freedom from a dull marriage to a man I didn't fancy, would be worth the hassle of divorce.

I was right, it felt like a burden had been lifted. Both exDH and I are far happier.

And my friend is marrying that man!

When he forgot my surname after knowing each other for 3 years and bought me a Harry Potter pocket watch 🤦‍♀️.

No one moment, just a slowly growing realisation.

I didn’t want to be there anymore. Not in twenty years, not in ten years, not even in ten days or ten minutes.

For me it was when the thought of being in this relationship for the next 50 years became way more terrifying than the unknown of going it alone. The thought of every holiday, every Christmas, every life event with that person for the rest of my life made me feel desperately sad and trapped.

When I thought of my retirement and he wasn't in my thoughts

I just woke up one day and realised it couldn't continue. We'd had loads of dramas & rows in the past. I realised the reason we were no longer having them is that I couldn't be bothered to, not that things had got any better.

When I came in to find him face down on the kitchen floor and, rather than feel scared or concerned, I was more annoyed that he was so rubbish at pretending to be dead, considering the amount of practice he'd had (he had a habit of threatening suicide or faking 'near fatal' asthma attacks if I dared to go out without him - the one where he thought I'd gone to put the bins out & hadn't heard him forcing coughs was hilarious, as he stopped for a fag break in between agonised gasps for breath).

He realised it was actually over when, ostensibly coming back to check he hadn't missed any of his stuff (but had really brought all of it back in his car, convinced I'd take him back), he texted his Mum to say he wouldn't be back, waited until he thought I was at the top of the stairs & on my way down before taking out a blunt Stanley Knife to pretend to cut his wrists just as I came round the corner.

Unfortunately for him, I was actually 3/4 down them, watching him silently from a distance of about 3 foot through the banisters. He was firmly guided off the settee and out the door with instructions on how to do it properly and moreover, to do it somewhere that wasn't going to make a mess on my new laminate.

Sometimes you just 'know'

It's scaring me that I identify with so many of these. The feeling empty and sad about the future especially, and jealousy of friends starting new relationships. Shit...

When I heard about a fatal crash on a road he would have been on and my first thought was to hope he was the fatality

I am in a similar place OP. H wants to 'try again' which I read as 'cant actually be bothered to move out' rather than making any great effort.

I am 96% sure I am done with it, 4% is a combination of actually letting go, forever, plus dreading the actual split and all that entails with children. Fortunately I will be fine financially.

I really can't decide and I know that no one but me can decide. I have made an appointment to talk to someone, alone - this is for me - but he wouldn't entertain talking to someone anyway, not his style.

When he told me he'd nearly been in a fatal crash and I couldn't have cared less.

Aww i feel you OP

I keep thinking about every other weekend to myself to do fun things. But DH is an amazing person so kind and helpful but we bicker every day but i think half of that is stress of the kids.

Is it just the trust Issues? Do you have couple time?

When he went away for a week to stay with a friend. He ended up being with her after the split and I was fairly sure he'd be fucking her during the stay but I was so glad to not have to deal with his bullshit every day that I didn't care one bit.

It was the least stressful, most chilled out and productive week I'd had since the early days of our marriage.

He asked me to come pick him up from the station when he came back and I thought "Just get a fucking cab". Then I realised that if I loved him, I'd have been eager to pick him up just to see him 30 minutes earlier than if he'd waited for a taxi.

After we split I sometimes was harsh on myself, thinking that if I'd been more honest with myself and we'd split earlier, things would have been more amicable. But they wouldn't have. He experienced my rejection as an unforgiveable sin against him. His only response to that was to descend to child mode - sulking, silent treatment, throwing things (not at me), mocking my voice, etc. The big take away for me is that I was definitely doing the right thing, because who on earth would want to be with a 48 year old man who acted like a toddler?

I was on a treadmill and rather than a thought of...oh crap it's not working blady, blah.....it was a realisation right in my gut...that I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Felt very surreal. Like an 'oh fuk' moment.

After I'd ended things, but we were still living together while the house was selling....I bought something unnecessary to window dress the house for a viewing.

He went mad....and you know what he was right. So I apologised and said your right. I'll take it back tomorrow.
But he continued and continued and continued. I wasn't engaging in the negative stuff...I was tidying but he went on and no matter what I said....I realised he was so full of anger and reminded that he was sadly someone I couldn't resolve issues with even when I told him, he was right and I was sorry etc...

That was over 10 years ago now. We'd been married 12years.
We no longer talk and he did something shortly after the split, that blew my mind. Didn't see it coming. He cut off his two children. Within three months he'd met someone new, 2 months later she was pregnant and they were engaged. They have now split, he's onto wife 3 and doesn't see the son, from that marriage either.

Child support only started about a year ago.

It's strange....I still miss him....or the man I loved all them years ago, when I didn't know any better. Not sure what thats about.

wheely, the man I knew all those years ago sums up why I am still here I think, so it is quite understandable.

When I was driving the car listening to a song entitled “breathe” and realising I couldn’t. I asked him to leave in October and have gradually relaxed and re-learned to belly laugh and chillax. He has been back in the house (strictly spare room only) this weekend for 2 days and my shoulders are tight and I am holding my breathe again. He is not abusive, neither of us have had an affair - we just rub each other up the wrong way and I feel he constricts every aspect of my life. My Nisi is in front of the judge in a couple of weeks and I am really happy about it!

When I picked up his phone to order a takeaway and he practically rugby tackled it from me. He gave me it five minutes later and I found one message from a woman asking where he was( I'd have never snooped had he not acted suspicious). So he must have deleted the worst of it! He admitted years later out of spite he was cheating. I ended it that very night though and ya know what, I wasn't even upset he had cheated. I felt nothing. Just happy to be free to persue someone I liked.

When he stayed out all night without warning or contacting and I didn't care - in fact I felt elation that our relationship meant so little to him, too.