Am I being paranoid?

[Chesspease]

I’ve been dating for about six months and things have been going real well. Have met each other’s families and friends, everyone likes each other so far.

What’s bothering me is that whilst our jobs are pretty much on a level status with similar salaries, I stand to inherit a lot in the future.

It’s a morbid subject which I am loath to make a topic of conversation. But it will be pretty obvious to him that I come from a background of family money.

He’s been nothing but kind and generous since we started dating and I think he’s a genuinely decent guy but I have been stung in the past by cocklodger types at university who thought they would be able to give up work once they “landed the rich girl”. so I’m particularly sensitive that I don’t fall for it again.

How can I tell if he truly likes me for me? And is that even possible to know for sure. I mean I am who I am to him under the circumstances we met so taking away my inheritance out of the equation would make me a different person iyswim.

How can I be sure he’s with me for the right reasons?

Does he know how rich you might one day be? You could always keep the knowledge from him until you completely trust him.

You could also get s pre nup if you did decide to marry.

Hi Italiangreyhound,

Thanks for responding. Obviously I haven’t talked about my inheritance. However, my parents are quite well known in the area and he knows what they are worth. So that horse was a non starter unfortunately.

As far as I’m aware a pre nup doesn’t hold much water in the U.K. plus I’m not sure I’d ever want to marry anyone that I felt needed to sign one.

I’m in the same boat as you op, unfortunately my ex husband completely married me as he knew one day I would inherit money and he would be sorted for life. We are divorced now and thankfully he won’t get a thing but he’s already moved on to another woman with wealthy parents. I had no clue when we were together that this was his motive and truly thought he loved me.... the many affairs I found out about afterwards made me realise he never did.
I am now with someone else who I have no doubt in mind at all is not with me for money.... money isn’t his priority whereas my ex was very much into owning things and people thinking he was successful. I don’t really have any advice for you but don’t let it spoil what you have, if you like him and you make each other happy just go with it. I wasn’t going to let me ex put me off love, not all men are wankers... some are actually are honest and good

Cross that bridge when you get to it or speak to the family solicitor and financial adviser who should know how to legally protect money. At least that's what ours do and we aren't rich. I would have thought your parents would be on top of that.

Is he generous with his time? Those are the ones that I find don’t care so much about money. I’m

Assuming OP is in the UK, pre-nups are generally not valid here.

OP are you likely to inherit within the next few years - are we talking grandparents here or parents?

I'd simply proceed with the relationship as normal but keeping a mental note of any sense of entitlement on his side about "Oh Chesspease will pay" or requests to "borrow" money from you.

Doggotired

Thanks so much for posting!

I’m really glad things worked out for you in the end. Do you mind if I ask whether your partner has similar wealth? Sorry if that’s too intrusive and of course you don’t need to answer if it is!

The reason I ask is because I think I would feel more at ease if my bf either had a higher salary/assets/pension than me. I am a homeowner (deposit and mortgage paid entirely by me, not my parents) but whilst he has similar earning power, he is still renting and doesn’t seem to have plans to buy anytime soon.

I think if we were on a more equal footing currently assets wise I would feel more secure about progressing the relationship.

Knows what they are worth?
How does anyone know what someone is worth?

@LemonTT Cross that bridge when you get to it or speak to the family solicitor and financial adviser who should know how to legally protect money

Wel that’s the thing really. I won’t marry someone who needs vetting in this way. If we ever got to the stage of marriage, it would be because we trust each other completely or I won’t do it.

I would just slip into conversation one day that parents don't believe in inherited wealth and believe instead that everyone makes their own way in the world... that they told you years ago that they were leaving it all as a charitable foundation.

Take your cue from his reaction.

Chesspease
At the moment I currently live totally independently from my parents money, I own my house the same as you bought by myself and my parents do not contribute to any of my money, it’s purely inheritance I will get when they pass on. My partner also owns his own house and earns similar to me.... he has no money coming to him in the future but he has pensions so he can live comfortably for the rest of his life. He knows about my ex husband and has bought up the subject of money with me and how when we marry he wants it writing in my will all my money is to go to my children and not him. I understand it would be much more settling on your mind if your partner was in the same position as you but don’t let it ruin what you have....

OP are you likely to inherit within the next few years - are we talking grandparents here or parents?

Both. GPs are fairly fit and healthy for their age but realistically have around 10 years max. I hate talking about this subject in such a way. It feels wrong somehow. I adore my GPs and will be devastated when they go.

He hasn’t ever made suggestions that I pay or taken it for granted that I have money. And the truth is, I don’t! Right now.

I would just slip into conversation one day that parents don't believe in inherited wealth and believe instead that everyone makes their own way in the world... that they told you years ago that they were leaving it all as a charitable foundation.

Good suggestion but realistically it will be obvious to him, and anyone who has spent time with them, that this is not the case.

Thank you @Doggotired. You are right I think. I’ll try and keep relaxed, and my eyes open but not spoil a good thing with a self fulfilling prophecy.

I guess I would see if he is generous with his own money, pays for things, gives to charity, etc.

As someone else said, generous with his time.

Someone who likes his job and likes work and making a difference on the world.

If he is always looking for an out, desperate to get away on holiday etc, I'd assume he might want an easy life! But I could be totally wrong.

Good luck.

What he is like with money? Is he always spending it when he gets paid? Is he dripping in expensive clothing? Dies he want to go on expensive holidays? Does he save his money? Does he buy you things?

but whilst he has similar earning power, he is still renting

So you look down your nose because he’s ‘only’ renting and hasn’t brought his own house, yet?

I think if we were on a more equal footing currently assets wise I would feel more secure about progressing the relationship

So you believe someone who doesn’t own their own house isn’t as equal as you?! If you’d said ‘level footing’ then fair enough but it strikes me the way you use the word ‘equal’

I think you sound very snobby and rude to be honest, op.
You might not even inherit any more for at least 10 years. Why are you worrying about something so far away? You’ve only known the man 6 months!
Your attitude towards him is very patronising and snobby. Despite him being a decent human being, you bang on about wanting things to be equal yet you admitted you’d feel better if he earned more. You look down on him for not owning a house or having any properties to his name. So what?!

He’s been nothing but kind and generous since we started dating and I think he’s a genuinely decent guy

Repeat this ^ to yourself.
But in all honesty I don’t think the poor man will ever win with you unless he buys a house and begins earning more than you. Even then there’s nothing to say he won’t ever be after your money. He’s done nothing to give you any reason to doubt his intentions, you admit he’s a great man, yet you’re paranoid he’s only after your money and the fact he doesn’t own a property or doesn’t earn more than you goes against him.

Perhaps let him find someone who doesn’t assume he’s gunna be after their money, and someone who loves him regardless of whether he’s renting a house or owns a mansion.

It isn’t just about your family money. You seem very shallow in all aspects.

Kennycalmit the OP has a right to be cautious.

So you believe someone who doesn’t own their own house isn’t as equal as you?! If you’d said ‘level footing’ then fair enough but it strikes me the way you use the word ‘equal’

Wow. That’s quite pendantic.

I am interested to know how I am coming across as being “very shallow”.

I don’t think you sound shallow, but I do think you are going to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You’ve been burned in the past, so it’s tricky. But nobody here can tell you whether you should trust this guy.

Literally every one of us risks ending up with the wrong person, someone with an ulterior motive. We either take the risk wholeheartedly, or live a closed off life.

Is this guy worth the risk right now? If so, you need to accept him for who he is right now.

There’s no guarantee someone with more money or assets (or more ‘equal’ as you put it) would treat you better or make you happier.

I’d say ‘equal footing’ is the same meaning as ‘level footing’, if the OP wanted to be ‘equal’ she would’ve written that, but she wrote equal footing.
I know how very slightly how you feel as when I first bought my flat and also same with a lot of my friends that got on the property ladder, at some point after we all had boyfriends want to move in- those that had boyfriends without a property felt slightly uneasy about the financial situation as you do need to consider it seriously compared to when dating, then it’s just the place you live when in fact it’s an enormous investment.

What about proactively speaking to someone legal about protecting your assets so if your relationship gets more serious, you already know what to say to your bf rather than worrying about it.

You aren’t coming across as shallow at all... just cautious and rightly so because not every one is a good person unfortunately. What will be will be and from how you are describing him i think he is a good egg.

I think it's hard for a genuine cocklodger to keep up a generous act for more than a few months. Things will slip. They won't see the point in paying into a pension. They won't bother saving. They'll get nasty one day if they think they've paid too often.

It would be a real shame for you to give up on a decent guy. I think perhaps if you talk about a future and his job etc you'll be able to tell whether he's genuine or not.

There's no such saying as 'equal footing' - I think Kennycalmit may have got 'equal footing' and 'level pegging' mixed up.

In any case, the overall meaning is the same.

No such saying as 'level footing' I mean, doh.

Maybe your bf doesn't own a property despite being on the same pay scale because he hadn't had your privileges.

So you saved for your deposit yourself, but did you pay for your car, or your university fees and accommodation, did you pay rent whilst you were saving? Maybe your boyfriend has had to pay his own way so couldn't save. Maybe his parents needed him to pay rent, or his gran needs him to buy her shopping each week or his parents needed a new boiler. Maybe they had an interest only mortgage and he helped them pay it off?

My parents have just inherited a reasonable about in their mid sixities. But my Grandad lived to 93 and my other grandfather 87. So don't count on GPs going soon. If I inherit anything I'll be late 60s to 70s. It's a long wait if your only in the relationship for the money. Especially if you don't benefit now from your parents wealth.