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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being paranoid?

44 replies

Chesspease · 05/01/2019 20:10

I’ve been dating for about six months and things have been going real well. Have met each other’s families and friends, everyone likes each other so far.

What’s bothering me is that whilst our jobs are pretty much on a level status with similar salaries, I stand to inherit a lot in the future.

It’s a morbid subject which I am loath to make a topic of conversation. But it will be pretty obvious to him that I come from a background of family money.

He’s been nothing but kind and generous since we started dating and I think he’s a genuinely decent guy but I have been stung in the past by cocklodger types at university who thought they would be able to give up work once they “landed the rich girl”. so I’m particularly sensitive that I don’t fall for it again.

How can I tell if he truly likes me for me? And is that even possible to know for sure. I mean I am who I am to him under the circumstances we met so taking away my inheritance out of the equation would make me a different person iyswim.

How can I be sure he’s with me for the right reasons?

OP posts:

Original poster

Chesspease · 06/01/2019 00:13

bigbrughtight

You have made so many incorrect assumptions with such a tone of bitterness that I don’t care to correct them. But, I can assure you, you are wrong about most, if not all, of them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chesspease · 06/01/2019 00:37

BTW I sincerely hope my grandparents live to way past 100 if they continue in good health. I find your comment about not “counting on them going soon” beyond the pale.

OP posts:

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 06/01/2019 00:44

I don't see a tone of bitterness in what bigbrightlight posted?

huuskymam · 06/01/2019 00:45

Tell him your parents wrote you out of the will and see how he reacts.

Original poster

Chesspease · 06/01/2019 07:37

I’m not prepared to lie or present my family as anything other than supportive.

OP posts:

TheStoic · 06/01/2019 08:13

Well then, all you can do is wait and see.

How do you think most people determine whether our partners are with us for the right reasons?

Original poster

Chesspease · 06/01/2019 08:14

Yes, I’m sure that’s true TheStoic. That is all I can do for now.

OP posts:

MarieG10 · 06/01/2019 08:21

Why worry. You are six months into a relationship that may or may not go anywhere. If he stayed with you and you married he must have a very long term view which as others have said could all blow up in his face. Some wealthy people make use of trust funds which protect inheritance in divorce cases.

Just enjoy the relationship and worry later if you ever think you may be getting married and consider things then. Also some account is taken of pre nups in the U.K. but there is consideration of making them more legally valid, although I suspect that will always be overridden when providing for children.

bigbrightlight · 06/01/2019 09:22

I'm not bitter, I have a very nice life.

Lots of people on MN have money or their families have money, some don't. If you don't live on family money now it really is not an issue. So you have a wealthy family so what.

Part of your post was asking a question as to why your bf doesn't own a house. This is online so I can only make assumptions or suggestions. Have you asked him? Maybe he has a big bulging savings account and thinks you're after his savings too

Personally I say having some money makes a relationship easier, as money worries are extremely stressful and can put a strain on things.

mrsmuddlepies · 06/01/2019 09:27

It is tricky if there is an imbalance in financial security. I know a young man who has worked hard since he left university and lived a really frugal lifestyle so that over the past ten years he has managed to buy a house (and paid for himself to do a part time Masters). He has accrued a lot of pension, some good investments and a house in London. I know that it makes him uncomfortable with girlfriends, a lot of whom suddenly seem very keen when they see his house. If he marries and has a child and his wife decides to end the marriage he would lose everything that he has worked so hard to achieve.
It is much easier if a couple are on a level playing field with regard to incomes and houses. Luckily, when my husband and I started out, we both had nothing so there was no worry about protecting existing assets.

Bellendejour · 06/01/2019 10:24

If having someone with the same income, property portfolio and future inheritance is really important to you, you can find that, it’s just whether they are as lovely, loving and supportive as your bf.

My bf has property, I don’t, I earn slightly more than him. My parents are kind enough to be giving me a decent but not huge amount towards a property we are buying together, but it’s nothing compared to my bfs equity. But in 30 years time will it matter? We’re making a life together and all the money we make will go in the pot. We don’t really think about inheritance, I just don’t feel comfortable with going there as it’s so awful to think about.

But my main priorities are do we fancy each other, do we get on, can we live together, do we have fun, are we kind and supportive, are we loyal and committed etc etc. I’ve had a couple of serious relationships that didn’t work and and survived a few rounds of dating and I think that shifts your perspective a bit!

I think at 6 months in I would try not worry too much, you can keep an eye out for the dodgy behaviour you’ve experienced before, and then see how you feel and also look at ways to protect your assets going forward (so maybe speak to someone about this now so you can relax about it?). FWIW my bf and I will have all our finances documented in terms of share of property, deposit etc, the last thing I’d be interested is trying to take anything that isn’t mine if we split up and if your bf is a good guy he’ll feel the same way.

OhioOhioOhio · 06/01/2019 10:28

Don't have time to read the whole thread but I'm getting divorced because it turns out my stbxh was after a cash cow. I couldn't have got it more wrong. I had no idea. He now has money and I don't. Be very wary. Also my lawyer says that all of the couples that have gone to her, so far, for a pre nup split up.

SandyY2K · 06/01/2019 10:55

It's only been 6 months. Have you talked about a future together? How old are you? Just wondering if settling down is something you want sooner rather than later.

Coffeeat12 · 06/01/2019 11:12

I think you are a bit a paranoid about your inheritance.... Most men care zero about a woman's possible inheritance. If they like you they date you .... Do you think men are so lazy and materialistic they will date a woman for money? Trust me they don't. They make their own money.

Kennycalmit · 06/01/2019 11:20

If he owned his own house and earned more than you, he could still be after your family money! But you’re saying you’d feel better about that situation if he owned his own house and earned more - implying he’s more likely to be a cock lodger simply because he doesn’t own property. I don’t understand that logic at all

You’re paranoid and worrying about something that probably will never happen. He more than likely doesn’t give a shite about your money. I still think the poor man can’t and won’t win. Despite you claiming how lovely and great he is, you’re still paranoid he’s gunna hang around for the next 10 years only for your money. If I were you I’d stay single because unless you marry a millionaire you’re always gunna have this ‘worry’.

Seriously. Let him find somebody who doesn’t look down on him simply for not owning a house. Imagine if he looked down on you for not earning more than you currently do?

DogDayMorning · 06/01/2019 11:24

Inheritance can be a burden because it raises the doubts that you have and the resentment some others here have shown. The fact is you don’t need the inheritance and you want your family to live healthily and happily for as long as possible - so surely it’s just not an issue? Forget it, and live in the day.

IME the older generation are very good at spotting a wrong un that their offspring have married and redone their wills accordingly!

user14869556378 · 06/01/2019 11:35

I think you should be able to work out his intentions over time. Is he driven? A hard worker? Hoping to progress? Long term goals and ambitions? If he has these I'd say you are going to be safe!

thegrassisgreenifyouwaterit · 06/01/2019 17:27

Simple don't marry him. Just live in sin

MaeveDidIt · 06/01/2019 18:30

I think you are very right to be wary OP.

There's no easy way and let's face it some people are very good at keeping up an act until they've snared their prey.

You mention he is renting (and no offence to people who rent whatsoever), but I would also question why if he is able to buy his own property he hasn't had the drive to do so.
I don't mean this in terms of him meeting you and thinking it's unnecessary, but purely in terms of being financially savvy and not taking the easy option.

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