Am I abusive?

[User974246832]

Well not abusive but over react ? Too sensitive ?
Here’s some background I’ve been with my husband 9 years, love him very much and feel
He loves me too. His brother got a new gf a year and a half ago. Didn’t like her the moment I met her, she made a snide comment about me which I brushed off. Tried to get on with her but little digs here and there from her. I don’t know why she was like this but I think she’s just a “bitchy” girl who prefers male company. Anyway about 6 months ago the four of us went for a meal and night out, my husband was talking to her at the bar while I was sat down on my phone, she came
Over and told me my husband had said a man had kept looking at her inappropriately and it was annoying him I went to speak to him ( he becomes an arse when drunk and has flipped when a man touched me while out once which the man deserved!) she told me not
To say anything which I found odd. Anyway me and husband had a falling out over it as I don’t get why he was so annoyed about a man looking at her, he told me it was because he was looking at the both of us. I then forgot about it and went on a girls night out a few months later with her, my friend bought up in conversation that her husband is a dick when another man looks at her or something along those lines to which she turned around and said “yes like the time (my husband name) did when that man was looking at me. I said nothing. Took it out on my husband that night. Now she only seems to message my husband about social gatherings we have a party next week for a family member and she has already messaged my husband asking if he is going, she then messaged me and said she had messaged him and could I ask him to
Reply, to which she then asked are you coming too? I find her so odd and annoying I don’t know what I’m asking for just advice really on why do you think she is being this way or am I over thinking? She could of just messaged and asked me if we are BOTH going or asked my husband, when it’s the other way around I message her instead of bil and ask for the both of them as a couple. Am I being a freak?

Sorry back to original point I take it out on my husband when she does these things, when she asked him about the party I ignored him all day as I was in a mood over it. I don’t know why!

I'd be interested to know what you mean by took it out on my husband that night

Well you don't come out that story great, that's for sure.

That’s what she wants: a reaction. You going in a mood with your partner is playing into her hands. Be yourself and act as if nothing is bothering you like you do not see her as a threat. You could be: a smiling assassin, she will show her hand. If she’s speaking to your husband, go over all happy instead of suspicious. Join in the convo.

Lol I mean I argued with him and shouted at him! I’ve never laid a finger on my husband.

She’s a bit of a dick but you do sound insecure and it’s not fair taking it out on him. Giving the silent treatment is a form of abuse yes.
Sounds like she’s stirring and getting a great rise out of you.

She's not a threat at all. Why? Just cos she messages her boyfriends brother about his family parties rather than her boyfriends brothers wife???

@Mixedbags I do try with her I’ve been kind invited her out on nights and she’s declined. I also do join in on convos between her and my
Husband, I just have a weird feeling about her, think she is very sly.

@ElspethFlashman totally see how I seem mental
In all this. It’s just odd things here and there she had said either about me or my oh, especially the comment she made when we were out with the girls. I would never say that about another woman’s man. She acted like he ran into a burning building for her.

Why are you taking your frustration out on your husband ?
If this is how you normally behave when something or someone has annoyed you then yes it is abusive.
You didn't speak to him for something he didn't do !!
Why was there the need to get angry with him in the pub ? If my H saw someone being inappropriate towards a friend he would say he didn't like it. What's the harm in that. Are you supposed to not notice something inappropriate or care that it's happening if it's not happening towards your wife ?

No I understand that and I know he’s being a gentleman but why didn’t he just tell his brother if that was the case? I asked him about it and he said he never told her it was because they were looking st her it’s because it was both of us odviously especially me. He told
Me he told his brother about it but he shrugged it off. It’s the fact she made out it was because of her. I’m an arse for ignoring him I know that, I have issues to work on I also know that.

Watch and wait. Smile away and pretend you are happy. Fake it for a good while, don’t let her know she is bothering you, rise above it. Be prepared, the power of her words have such an effect on you and your husband. She may be innocent and you are feeling insecure but she may be playing a cruel game. Quietly raise your game just in case

Yeah but she may be mildly annoying, but you're being a total dick.

Are you worried that she's after your husband?

@BollocksToBrexit honestly? Yes I think I am, call
Me mental. In the back of my mind I’ve always had the vibe from her and I don’t know why.

@Elspethflashman yes I’m being a dick to
My husband rn. I came for advice to help
Myself and relationship. Not to be called names.

You have no right to take it out on your husband. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t laying a finger on him; he’s done nothing wrong you’re verbally abusing him.

Nobody should be treated like that, especially by someone who is supposed to love them.

Seems like she is shit-stirring in your marriage and you are letting her.
Agree with PP to not let it get to you and to be all smiles and fun.

I know and I have apologised so much to him I feel guilt and shame and ridiculous tbh. It made
Me feel so insecure and almost a bit scared.

Apologising doesn’t mean anything if you repeat the same behaviour.

I totally get what you are all saying but can you all
Honestly tell me you have never shouted or argued with your ohs? I know it was wrong as why I did, she just wound me up and because I let her get to me I blamed oh for what she had said.

I’m not repeating the same behaviour! That was that one night. I feel I am letting it eat away at me and my relationship and feel
Absolutely mental that something so insignificant really is affecting me so much.

I think she has recognised that you are a bit insecure and she's playing games.
If you trust your husband then try not to bite, it's not his fault that she may be playing games. It's also not his fault that you are reacting the way you are.
Rise above it and try not to take things out on him.

I’m not repeating the same behaviour!

Yes you are, OP. There’s two examples of you repeating the same behaviour in your OP and you also say:

I take it out on my husband when she does these things

Indicating further repeated incidents of this verbal abuse.

Honestly tell me you have never shouted or argued with your ohs?

Yes, everyone argues with their partner, that’s part of life. What everyone doesn’t do is blame them for someone else’s behaviour and verbally abuse them repeatedly.

when she asked him about the party I ignored him all day as I was in a mood over it

I imagine your husband is absolutely baffled by what he's done to warrant all this.

I'd be keeping her at a distance. A very long distance. Polite and friendly at family events where she can't be avoided and totally ignored the rest of the time. No more invites to 'girl's nights out'. No text messages. No cosy meals out together. But then I have 3 brothers and have never socialised with any of their wives or girlfriends.