Nasty jealous husband

[21jlb]

Hi.
My husband constantly accuses me of cheating with work colleagues and it is driving me mad. This has been going on for years. At my workplace there is a big staff turnover, it is also mainly female, but if there is a male staff member he accuses me of cheating with them. He only says this when he is drunk, which is the majority of evenings, I don’t think that he thinks that it’s true but he is so nasty in the things that he says to me and what I am meant to be doing with them.
I have a male boss and made the mistake of telling him that was who I had to buy for as part of secret santa. I just bought a funny rude joke book, but he holds this against me and that me and my boss have a close relationship for me to know that he’d like that. That’s not the case, I was stuck for ideas and it was just a joke.
I did have him on my Facebook but my husband made me block him and keeps threatening to send him messages telling him to back off, but there’s no way that he is anyway interested.
The arguments calmed down by started up again the last two evenings. He tells me to go to bed then constantly comes in the room carrying on the argument the kicks me out the room. He threw water over me in the bed the other evening at around 2am then made me sleep on a towel over it when I said I was going to sleep on the sofa.
He twists all the arguments around like it’s my fault. He insults me and the way I look. But then he’ll just suddenly snap back and start being normal and want to have sex. I feel like I have to have sex with him otherwise other times in the past he’s taken this as a sign that I’m cheating. But then when I have sex he tells me I’m a hypocrite when I try talking to him the next day about what happened and that I shouldn’t have had sex with him.
I don’t feel like I can have my own time as he’s been out of work since last April and doesn’t show any interest in finding a new job.
We don’t like it each other, but he puts it all on me that I don’t love him etc. Neither of us have the funds to leave on our own and have no family that we can move in with.
We have 3 children who do see some of the fall out at times which I hate. I try my hardest not to get involved in his arguments when the kids are there, but he really pushes my buttons at times and he knows what he’s doing.

Oh wow didn’t really didn’t realise I’d written so much. Sorry - a lot to get off of my chest and pent up frustration!

He's emotionally and physically abusive.
What are you getting from this relationship?

In your shoes I'd gather all the evidence re assets, contributions etc and see a divorce lawyer.

If he is drunk most evenings is he a functioning alcoholic. Does he get up for work most days. He sounds awful. Best thing is to leave.

What stripeydeckchair said.

Your husband is abusing you. This isn’t normal, it isn’t ok, and he isn’t going to change.

You’re worth way way more than this. Read the pinned post at the top of the relationships board

21

re your comment:-
"Neither of us have the funds to leave on our own and have no family that we can move in with".

You need legal advice re divorce first and foremost and I would think it a given that your H would refuse to move out due to him being abusive. The reasons you cite above are really no reasons, let alone good reasons, to remain within such an abusive marriage. Having pent up frustration is one thing but your post contains far more than just this alone.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. This is no relationship model for them to be learning from and potentially copy themselves as adults. Would you want this type of relationship for them, no you would not. You should not either.

I’m getting absolutely nothing from this relationship. We’ve both said we don’t want to be together. But at the moment neither of us have anywhere else to go with 3 kids in tow. He’s adamant that he doesn’t want to leave, not for me but just for the fact that that he lives here.
We’re in a housing association accommodation.

Indeed he is not going to change; this is who he is and chances are as well, one or both of his parents act the self same.

You are indeed worth way more than this.

He hasn’t been working since last year around April time. Has been living off savings which have dwindled away.
He doesn’t get up until the afternoon. Still in bed now. During the school holidays I’ve had days off so am up with the children, or have tried to see if they can go to grandparents so not just stuck in front of the tv the whole day.

Thought he did not want to leave; that is one of the abusive man's default positions. Where he goes going forward is not your problem.

What does he do all day if he is not going to work?. You need to get him out via legal means and now start divorce proceedings against him. Remaining with him is not an option for you or your children now.

What is the situation re the housing association property; is there a joint tenancy agreement for instance. Have you actually spoken to them about this?.

You have one life, this is not some sort of rehearsal, things are not going to be better next time..get out now.

You have a job, and you will be resident parent so will be higher priority with housing association surely?

He can't afford for you to split, you can. And you should. Nobody should be treated like that.

Have you phoned women's aid to get advice ? He's abusing you, you need to get out. The relationship isn't any good for either of you.

I know he’s not going to change. He doesn’t even apologise anymore, before he would realise and at least try to make an effort, now he just doesn’t care.

I have looked at the pinned threads, and I am in admiration of the lady who said how well she has done since leaving.

I just don’t know where to start. Financially I’m in overdraft and owe on my credit card. I keep trying to do overtime at work but my husband gives me grief over that.

It’s a joint tenancy. I haven’t spoken to them as yet. I just want him to leave so badly, but I’m scared as don’t know how to go about it and know that he won’t make it easy.
I don’t want family involved as don’t want them to know what’s going on.

He doesn’t do anything. Just lays in bed, or sits on his phone. He’ll pick up the kids from school, but depending on his mood he has guilt tripped me for not doing it and then tries to make me leave work to pick them up.

Two things you need to do first: contact Women's Aid and your Housing Association. It seems like there is no way out at the moment, but that's because you are listening to that negative little voice that he has placed in your head.

Be proactive. Tell people. Make calls. Stop giving him money for booze. Make sure your wages don't go into a joint account. Cancel joint cc or one's he has access to. Tell your boss. Call the police next time he touches you.

Prepare for it to get worse short term, but keep thinking of those long term gains!!

You are being abused. Tell your family and get out.

He has his own money from savings.
I have told my manager (a female not the male one) and she’s very understanding.

I would love to just go and stay with my mum, but I don’t want to with my dad there. There’s nothing wrong with him, but would feel very out of place and would be non stop lecturing. I have 3 boys and as much as he loves them they can’t go around there for a couple of hours without them playing up and feel like I need to leave so as much as people will say go there, it really isn’t an option.

Why did you write this if you would love to move to your mother's (I note also what you wrote about your dad).

"I don’t want family involved as don’t want them to know what’s going on".

Abuse as you described thrives on secrecy so the more trusted and reliable people who know about your home situation the better. I would also urge you to also contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and make that call to the Housing Association asap.

His dad was like this, so I don’t want my children adopting their habits like it’s normal.
His dad died from drinking and his mother is also in recovery again. I don’t see why he can’t see his own behaviour reflecting theirs.

My mum doesn’t know what’s going on. I think if my dad wasn’t there it would be easier for me to tell her and know i could go there.

What would happen if you told him the relationship is over? Would he leave, get angry, just accept it? Because it seems like that's what needs to happen but I appreciate you might consider it risky given his behaviour.

We’ve both told each other so many times that it’s over. Then he just forgets about it the next day. When I tell him he doesn’t care and said if that’s the case then I need to leave because he isn’t. Or he says I’m ending it because I’ve been cheating and have someone else.

Run! This man is really abusive. Staying there will do you and your kids more harm than good. Let him sort his life out. The sooner the better!

I think it's more that HE needs to leave. He has savings and will not have three kids to upheave and house.

Housing associations have policies in place to deal with DA but you need to tell them that this is happening in order for them to begin to help you get him out. You can speak to them in confidence - please do. This could be the first step in getting a new life for you and your kids. Don't wait any longer.