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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is your opinion

31 replies

GraceMcD · 05/01/2019 02:21

Hi, I'm new so forgive me if I make any mistakes and let me know. Recently I lost 60kgs...this is a big deal to me as I have always been overweight. My 13year old daughter and I have a special night out once a year to the local fashion design awards. As I dressed I looked in the mirror and was so happy to see that this year I looked nice. Feeling good about myself for the first time in years. My daughter is truly a beautiful girl, tall, willowy with a pretty face...didn't get this from me (smile). My husband took a photo of us before we left. When he took the photo he said "no matter how much weight you lose you will never look as good as your daughter" (just to clarify -our daughter). We had visitors at the time to make it worse and he said it in front of everyone. I was so humiliated and destroyed by this. If I could have found a dark hole to crawl in I would have. My happiness evaporated my self esteem was zilch. When I later approached him about it.. He was angry with me for talking to him about it. This is not a one off incident... Not all are about our daughter of course. Please can you tell me..offer me some advice... How do I cope with this... Our visitors were not impressed with his behaviour and spoke to me quietly later. I didn't know what to say to them.

OP posts:
ChristmasSprite · 05/01/2019 02:33

Please don't feel the need to change yourself here. This is not something you should be learning to cope with. If he talks shit like that again he needs kicking out and I'd be telling him that straight whether he wants to take about it or not the absolute CF!!!

What a disgusting dicking arse of an excuse of a human being.

Please don't take his comments to heart either, its clearly who he is as a person and its not personal to you, he's like this, he's showing you who he is, that is who he is and he's not a nice or decent bloke.

Anyone would feel deflated and hurt being spoken to like that. Your trick now is to learn to shut out his deliberately nasty crap.

I hope you didn't lose weight looking for his approval as if he thinks you did he has gained power and control over you and is using it against you to control you.

I would call WA if i were you and talk through how this relationship feels for you, and how it operates in relation to him

MistressDeeCee · 05/01/2019 02:33

Glad your visitors saw his behaviour for what it was. Take heart from that.

He just couldn't say "You look nice"..he had to find a put down. You weren't trying to look like or compete with your daughter.

I'd have said "don't be silly" in disdainful fashion.

You can't talk to him about it as he doesn't respect you it seems, so what can you do but try to keep your feelgood factor going in your own way.
.
Why shrivel at his insults? Hold your head high and don't engage. Look up assertiveness techniques online. Or even roll your eyes and leave the room when he starts his nonsense.

He made a show of himself in front of your visitors and they let you know. Hes the one who looks stupid, I bet they described him as a dickhead once they'd left your gates.

SpoonBlender · 05/01/2019 02:48

What a colossal prick your H is.
What an amazing job you've done losing all that weight! I only need to shift a third of that and I've failed for ten years...

BumbleBeee69 · 05/01/2019 02:50

your Husband is a fucking DICK

Aquamarine1029 · 05/01/2019 03:03

Your husband is a vicious, nasty bastard. Please don't waste one more day of your life with this prick.

whatsthepointthen · 05/01/2019 03:14

What a weird comment! very nasty of him.

DianaT1969 · 05/01/2019 03:17

Don't let his stupid comment detract from your new happiness in how you look. You deserve to feel proud of yourself. Not only do you look better, but you're healthier too. You may have added another 10 years to your life for all we know... his attitude stinks and doesn't deserve a moment of your time.
If you look back at your marriage - were you an emotional eater? You've shed the weight, it might be time to shed him.

ILoveChristmasLights · 05/01/2019 03:30

You should have said ‘No one is as beautiful as our daughter 😊. Your insecurity is shining through and that’s not attractive - grow up or get out, because you’re not going to drag me down’.

He’s insecure because he thinks your new body & new self confidence might make you feel inclined to check other men out, when the truth is, it’s his nasty behaviour that’s more likely to make you do that. Get the stupid fuck told.

Do NOT etc him drag you down!

vinegarqueen · 05/01/2019 03:41

Agree with other posters - he probably thought that he was the one in control when you were overweight as he expected that you would be too insecure about your appearance to leave him, as many people really do fall into a ”I would love to do XYZ but only when I am thin” pattern of thinking. Now he needs to belittle you to keep you under his thumb and in what sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship. I realise it's not always that easy, but if he won't accept that he needs to talk about it and stop the nasty comments at once you need to be making plans to get out of the relationship. What did your daughter think to his nonsense?

Robin2323 · 05/01/2019 03:53

Sadly weight loss can make oh's feel insecure.
My sister stayed over weight for years because her husband thought a slimmer version would be off with other men.
(Not true)
In the end she lost weight with/ to encourage her daughter.
She lost 38 pounds in the end and looked stunning
So well done for losing the weight.

Ignore dh (twat)
My daughter is a total goddess and I am so proud.
But my dh is always full of compliments for me.
Rise above this.

Tattybear16 · 05/01/2019 03:53

Wow, congratulations on your weight loss. You could easily loose another 10 stone by dumping the bullying prick you married. How dare he take your wonderful achievement and use it as a weapon to lower your self esteem. Don’t take it to heart you’re worth far more.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 05/01/2019 03:57

You did amazing losing the weight, now maybe you need to lose the negatives in your life. You deserve better than someone who would say this

Klobluchar · 05/01/2019 04:00

He’s probably insecure due to your weight loss but that certainly doesn’t excuse him from being a massive dickhead there.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 05/01/2019 04:04

Firstly, congratulations on your weight loss! Smile

Lastly, you do not deserve this kind of treatment, least of all from your husband. He should be proud of your success and love you no matter what you look like.

You need to decide if you want to continue living like this, because rest assured, he will not change. This is emotional abuse which, according to my therapist, can often be far more damaging than physical abuse.

You deserve more OP. I pray you find the courage to change your circumstances. Because, you deserve a better life than the one your living now. Flowers

MumsyJ · 05/01/2019 05:54

A massive congratulations on your incredible weight loss! I second the above PPs. That man is jealous and insecure about your achievement knowing you stand a better chance of being the centre of attention to other men than he to other women, therefore trying to bring you down.
Keep your head up and keep looking and feeling good, he's a nasty man. X

pissedonatrain · 05/01/2019 06:14

Congrats on your weight loss. You worked hard and deserve to hold your head up high!

Your DH is a jealous CF.
Insecurity is no excuse to be a dick.

My DSis recently loss 35kg and her H has been a nasty bastard to her.

Hold your head high and tell him the next time he makes a crack like that to you, will be the last time.

LaughingCow99 · 05/01/2019 06:19

Well done on the weight loss and feeling good about yourself.

Has he always been so nasty or could he be worried about the extra attention you may get now you are looking great and your confidence has grown.?

It was a truly nasty thing to say. Outrageous actually, especially in front of other people

Shoxfordian · 05/01/2019 06:44

Congratulations on your weight loss. Easy way to lose another 60kg of useless weight op.....

Robin2323 · 05/01/2019 06:45

This is why you can only lose weight for yourself.
Climb back out that hole and hold your head.
Bet you look great.
And health wise your energy must be through the roof.
I was surprised what even 7 pound difference made.
You're doing great.

Robin2323 · 05/01/2019 06:45

'Hold your head high' I mean

NotTheFordType · 05/01/2019 07:49

That's horrible. How did your daughter react?

Original poster
GraceMcD · 05/01/2019 12:16

My daughter just looked at me and smiled. I love my beautiful daughter and am so proud of her. However I am beginning to have worries about how much attention and gifts her dad gives her that he doesn't ever give our sons. How I see my lovely girl's personality changing. The boys tell me she is dad's favourite just because she is the only girl and looks like dad and his family. For some reason this looking like his family is a big deal to that family. Even granddad is always so proud if how like his own mother she looks. It makes me sad when I hear my husband telling people about Kate but never about our boys. It is good he loves her and is proud of her but he should also be proud of our boys. Each of them have their own special talents and they are such great kids. I love them all so much. Yet again he will not listen to me when I try to discuss his such open displays of favouritism towards our only girl and how much this hurts the boys. And yes if I'm honest I can see how this is beginning to effect our daughter in a negative way.

OP posts:
Original poster
GraceMcD · 05/01/2019 12:17

Thank you to everyone for your advice and support. I appreciate it so much. Thank you

OP posts:
Kismetjayn · 05/01/2019 14:37

I would also be concerned for your daughter, not only is it awful to say that to you but it's a weird comparison to make and I would be worried about the implications to her.

Plus with your update... Yeah.

mogratpineapple · 05/01/2019 14:53

A colleague of mine lost loads of weight and he had to buy a shed load of suits to fit. I said on facebook that he looked great. He told me that comment had caused a huge row at home because his wife thought that he's lost weight to get off with other women, which wasn't the case as far as I'm aware.

The point I'm making is that he got attention from members of the other sex and his wife wasn't ok with that, obviously insecure. Your husband is probably the same. I bet you've had positive comments too.

The good thing is that others have witnessed his attitude and can see that he has a problem, not you. He's acting like a dick and everyone knows it. That's his issue. Chin up and well done xx

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