Frightened to start divorce, in fact frightened of the whole bloody lot

[Elliebellybum]

So, nutshell, left exh with children in tow a couple of months ago after emotional and very occasional physical abuse became a bigger bit of physical abuse in front of our screaming children.
Charges dropped by CPS after refusal to interview eldest child (they all saw and all corroborate how it happened)
Ex refused to move out of home, so we had to go. Advised by solicitor Occupation order not going to remove him, more likely let him stay with conditions.

We have had fuck all help frankly, I put my rights on the home (in his name) and it seems this is enough to bar me from any help, housing woman advised I return to the marital home as there was nowhere to go (I was declaring us homeless)
Same woman today when speaking to her about possible social housing advised I send the DCs back to live with him, thus leaving only myself homeless.

Ex now being perfect DH and DH I always wanted, or at least he is verbally, his actions do not quite show the same. He’s going to get counselling etc allegedly.

I know I need to divorce, but the way he will be frightens me. Currently he is being charming and playing ball over the kids and access because he thinks after a few months we will try again, the minute I say divorce that vaguely reasonable man will disappear, and the lying, cheating, spiteful, vicious, greedy man I actually know will reappear.

I’ve struggled to find a place to rent to us, I’ve been a SAHM and although I’m going to address work it’s still not going to bring in the income Letting agents want, I will need school time, term time work as I have no family nearby for help and due to differing ages childcare during holidays is problematic.

Ive managed to get a place, but it’s taken 6 months rent in advance, which with guarantor fees and a deposit is in the region of 10k which literally has wiped out every penny I had put away for this leaving day.

Because I technically have a financial interest in the house (and I should get enough to buy my own house outright after a divorce) I think there will be issues over HB in the long term.

I’m sat in bed almost hyperventilating with panic over it all.

I’m paying 10k up front for a rental, I don’t know if I will get any HB or how long for and in 6 months that rent needs paying again. It’s not even right for us, but of all the places I’ve seen only two have said yes.

Ex manipulates earnings, he won’t pay child maintenance (he has children from a previous marriage, he didn’t pay for over 6 years, so I know what he will do)

He has already shifted assets to try to stop me getting a share of them.

He will batten down the hatches and draw this out as long as possible in an attempt to financially starve me into submission.

Meanwhile he will attempt 50% custody of the children, using that as a bargaining chip to give me financial fairness.

The fear I feel over the enormous responsibility I have to my children is massive, and it will be my responsibility, he will try to minimise divorce money and he will never, ever help financially with the kids again. It’s all on me.

So I’ve gone from a SAHM who was abused but didn’t really have to worry about things to a (at the moment) almost homeless SAHM who is laying out a fortune to secure a house, who needs to sort out benefits, who has no idea if she can cover the rent when the six months is up and who is absolutely terrified of taking the next steps

So presumably you're going to divorce him? As a wife, you will be able to apply for a share in the proceeds of sale of the house. (And yes, I know he won't want to sell). How old are the dc? If 12+, they may have a say in where they live, and with whom. If you've paid 6m rent, at least you've got a breathing space while you sort everything out. You've done the right thing,Ellie. Well done

Do you know, in fact, this whole thing has been the most horrific and traumatic event of my entire life.

It’s shit considering me and the kids were the victims in this.

We are out of our home while my ex sits there like the king of the fucking castle refusing to leave (even whilst being charming and saying he will do anything to get us back, it appears moving out isn’t part of that anything)

I’ve barely slept for weeks, I have attempted to charm any letting agents I can to help us and 99% of the time have met a brick wall, the Council refuse to help, the refuges were full, we couldn’t live with my mum, I’m paying a fortune for a temporary place, I’ve got to go to the Job Centre and probably also be told to go home, social services are and were fucking useless, I’ve done the whole fucking lot on my own

Kids are 3/6/11

They saw the whole thing, but even keeping them safe is fully my responsibility.

It seems no one wants to address what he did.
It’s all about what I’m not doing or how I need to get a job immediately this second on top of finding a house to live in and dealing with three traumatised kids who’ve lost their home and everything
And in the middle of that I’m going to have the divorce from fucking hell.

Sorry. Very cross as I write this.

I mean, how far have we come that your husband can still injure you, still lie and get off with it, return home vindicated because they weren’t charged so it must mean they didn’t do it rather than they are just a fucking liar and then the advice is that you should leave the house to prevent further trouble?

Then everyone refuses to help, telling you to go back there!!

How have things even moved forward??

I’m actually scared of having to make all the decisions on my own.
I don’t know if it’s him who has made me doubt my own ability, but I doubt my own ability!
It all seems like such a massive mountain, and I know getting housing was no bloody easy feat and I should be relieved that’s done, but now the next problem (moneyand benefits) has just filled the gap!

Oh Ellie - it absolutely is shit and it's appalling that you and your kids are being put through this while he carries on as normal. So sorry that no-one seems interested in actually helping you and so sorry about the unfairness. Please don't doubt your own ability. Getting the house WAS a massive deal and you did it. Dealing with all these useless officials is a massive deal but you've done it and have managed not to scream at them or throw a wobbly. Having the courage to leave the bastard is the massivest deal of all and you've done it. You are bloody awesome and then some. Eventually he will have to sell the house and you will have some money to help you with the next steps. It will doubtless be a horrendous time between now and then but not as horrendous as a life with an abusive bully. xxx

I don't know that it'll be cost effective to get a job with 3 young dc. Childcare is so expensive, as I'm sure you know. Put your application in for benefits and take it from there.

I’m so scared though. I’m pathetic. I’ve been up all night worrying.

What if I can’t afford it all? What if the bedroom is too small and I can’t fit the bunk beds in? Then what?

I’ve never rented, I know it sounds stupid, but it’s a massively stressful thing for me.

I’ve still got to get furniture and I can’t get things like a second head settee until we are in there, likewise wardrobes etc as I can’t store them.

Every problem I think I solve brings more problems in my head.

Days like today I just want to admit I was wrong and just go home.

Even no one on here is answering if listening.

I message my family/friends and tell them my worries but no one answers much now.

6 weeks ago everyone was behind me and told me I was right, now they are frustrated I think because it hasn’t all just magically sorted itself out and I’m not just over my entire life going down the pan.

I feel like I’m swimming in shit. I still do all the things a mum needs to do, butwith endless worry there all the time now

You will be ok. There are charities that will help you with furnishings. You may well be entitled to housing help despite the financial interest in the home. Your housing is taken care of giving you breathing space to arrange benefits. When can you move in?

I'm a lone parent too and sometimes it has been utterly shit not knowing where my next penny is coming from.
Have you spoken to womens aid?

Sorry I should add that it is no longer shit. I'm currently working part time and retraining in university. You are just at rock bottom at the moment.

I need to speak to Wonens aid, but I’m so tired keep telling the same story and getting nowhere.
I’ve told every agency there is and really no one seems to care.
I know they couldn’t come in and sort it all out, but all I’ve had is sympathetic noises and no help.

Everyone was so behind me when I left after he hurt me, but over Christmas it just petered out, it’s like it’s “oh it’s 6 weeks now, she should be over it/on her way to a divorce/in a house” etc

I have a friend who tries to help but she has no money worries, so the house info she sends through is massively too expensive and they all say “no HB”

I’m ashamed to be bought so low that me, a mum of three who six weeks ago had a life, a house, a good car, money in the bank and choices Is sitting on the floor crying as I type this self pitying shit.

Where’s my gumption gone? And my backbone?

This is going to sound a bit harsh.

You knew this man didnt pay for his other children and went ahead any way.

You are an adult. This is what life means when you have children- responsibility for them and their wellbeing.

Quite a bit of all this is self pitying and wanting someone to do all this for you. Hint: they arent going to.

I hope things work out for you.

At the time of having children I didn’t know he didn’t pay, there were lots of points where his children lived with us and lots of tooing and froing. It wasn’t until the last few years maintenance became a problem by which point I had the children.

My husband refused to use any contraception and there were incidents which would be classed as rape.

I’ve been emotionally abused for many years, I finally ohoned the police after he injured me and then was let down on all fronts.

They told me to leave, not him.

Sorry if I sound a bit self pitying.

I’ve moved mountains to keep these children safe, I know about responsibility of being a parent.

I hope anyone knocking me doesn’t experience this, because it’s not quite that easy

Have never posted before but your post prompted me to. Just wanted to say That what you are doing is hard. You’ve made the first, and difficult step, of getting out of an abusive relationship. Kudos. I understand the overwhelm you now feel and how desperate your need for help. I am so sorry you are not getting what you need. You sound strong, and have already navigated some truly difficult stuff. You can do this. Break it down into manageable bits. Write lists and accept that you won’t solve it all at once. Make sure you look after yourself as best you can. Try to get sleep, food and muster as much support from friends as you can. Good luck.

I'm the same as the poster above. Never posted before but had to when read what you are going through. I am six months down the line from you and recognise the panic. I'm going to post in a bit with a bit more information on what I did to get through it. Hang in there. X

They told you to leave because he wasn't going to go, and no one could make him! The alternative was to stay there and be his punchbag. It's all hard work ATM but you're doing so well. Don't be too down about it, things will get better.

Op, this is such a sad read. You have achieved so much already. You are scared, that comes across and understandably so. But, you have to be brave now and start thinking and working logically. You need to start taking action now, today.

1. You must start looking for full time work now. Your not making career choices at this stage, anything that you can do apply and take it. You will then get various credits and childcare assistance. Your 2 eldest DC's will be in sch so they will only need after sch care and there may even be clubs. Your youngest will need full-time childcare but you should receive help to cover all of this, the clubs and the childcare. This will mean you can start putting some money away while you have your 6mths rent paid up front. I know it's not prob what you want but it's what you need to do. A salary will also take the heat off you worrying about rent for now. This will also get you into the credits/benefits system as it were as you will be claiming various tax credits to boost your salary and help with childcare. If there will be a shortfall in your rent after 6mths you should hopefully be able to claim that,If your salary and combined benefits are not quite enough. You need to phone the benefits office on Monday and understand everything you will be entitled to while working and waiting for your hse sale. ( the hse sale could take up to a year or more so you cannot sit and wait for that)

2. You need to start getting your divorce under way from the safety of your new home. You need to be rid of him and you need that money out of the house. He either buys you out of the house or it gets sold. Either way a judge will make that happen. Working now will also help you to pay for the legal while you have yr rent paid already for a while.

3. Take photos of any paper work that illustrates joint assets that he is moving. You will be able to demonstrate what he is doing/done. Email everything to your self. Perhaps open a new gmail acct for this purpose. Leave no trail and clear your history each time and photos as they will safely be waiting on your email acct.

4. if you anticipate he will be diff with maint your own salary and benefits will take this worry from you as you will be able at least to hse, feed and cloth yourselves. It may not be to a standard you are used to but as your DC's get older it will get easier and you will get your hse money in the end so it won't be forever.

It's clearly been a traumatic time for you but you can do this, in fact you must do this as you are all you and your DC's have. The friends you have reached out to may not really understand what you are experiencing and as they appear to not be offering the support you need I would refrain from reaching out to them at the moment. Get all of the above in place first and then when you do reconnect with them you will be in a much more secure place.

You have to turn all this nervous energy you have right now into practical solutions and in a few months you will start to feel more secure. You really do need to get cracking today OP as you have this 6mths rent paid period which is a great thing to have on your side. It means anything you earn between now and then you can put a big chunk of it by to get yr divorce underway.

YOU are in control now not him. Any attempt by him to bully, intimidate or threaten you in your new home call the police/zero tolerance. If/when he does come to collect the kids for visits,he waits outside on the doorstep, with the door closed while the kids gets their bits together. Your home your rules, your safe space he doesn't get to contaminate that. It doesn't matter how difficult he try's to make things, you will have it all covered yourself and his delaying tactics won't actually effect you or stop you from your new start. Keep going and you will, this year, get the foundations in place for a fantastic rest of your lives. It will be hard at first but nothing worth having is ever easy. x

I do have a small business, it went into decline when I had a major illness a while ago.
I’m going to start building that back up.
I have tried the job route before and there a big issues here (small village) over holiday childcare and I have no one to help.

I’ve started applying for 16 hour school jobs just to get back into work.

Although I have skills, they aren’t anything that transfers to the general workplace iygwim?

I’m making a nappy to see the lone parent people at the job centre next week, my IDVA is coming with me

I fled an abusive relationship 6 months ago. 2 kids. Left when he was out of the house for 2 hours (he never left me alone there) with police assistance. He refused to move out. I was homeless with kids for 6 weeks until I managed to get refuge place. All the time he had really good lawyer while I was just making sure kids had a bed each night. I still have moments of panic, but they do become less.
Kids have opened up about the abuse they suffered since we left. You have done the right thing. Never doubt that. But it's bloody hard work. X
Speak to woman's aid. I turned up at their offices locally with one child in tow. Didn't know what else to do. Was on the verge of going back. If you call them and they don't answer leave a message. They will phone you back. They are the most amazing organisation and they will help in practical ways. They also have free legal surgeries. They will be able to help you access donations of household stuff too. (My ex wouldn't let me take anything from house even to make his kids life easier)
Victim support/police domestic abuse support team. Have you got those in your local area? They were a great support. Not in a practical way but for people to speak to and offer advice.
Finance. I had all the debts he had all the savings. I called all the companies and was honest about what had happened. Some actually had a department that dealt with domestic abuse cases. Barclaycard particularly helpfulThe debt not gone away but they do not contact you to add to stress.
Woman's aid helped with HB/signing on/council tax. Again took pressure off.
People do not understand if they haven't lived through it. I asked for practical help when I knew people were fed up and thought I should be over it. I asked for child care while I delt with phone calls/lawyers/ etc etc.
Doctor. Get all the help you can get. I didn't go for 6 weeks as I had same doc as ex ( and when I used to go before I left he would wait outside in waiting room). Wish I had gone earlier. Got medication to help with panic attacks and get me through. It's helped enormously.
Woman's aid can help with who to contact for someone to talk to. Also for the children to speak to.
When I felt I had no one to speak to (my family live hundreds of miles away and he made sure I lost most of my friends) I spoke to nspcc who were brilliant as I was worried about kids/had I done right thing etc) and also Samaritans always on end of phone.
Getting a job. Not as easy as people think when all your energy focused on putting a roof over your kids heads and keeping them warm safe and fed. I am just getting to that stage ( also just getting to the stage where I have time to do it. Every day is filled with practical stuff for first few months)
Does that help? It's step by little step. Just getting through a bad day is one more day away from abuse and in the right direction. It's okay to panic. You have a roof for 6 months. You will sleep again, and as you get more sleep you panic less and can plan and do more. Take care. X

Thank you, that’s really helped.

At the moment I feel like I have to do it all, find a house, finance a house, get divorced, look after the kids, find a job and be just amazing at all of it. My head literally spins because I just can’t get started properly.

My friend advised I see the job centre and go onto income support whilst I either a) build up my business or b) get a school job for 16 hours to get me going again.
I can do both as my business will fit around any other work, but tbh, for someone who once had a lot of fight, I just don’t have the energy.
Even the benefits (which I need) are like a mountain in front of me.
I should qualify for everything there is until my youngest is 5 which gives me time to train or sort something out.

My friend said I’m rushing like a bull in a china shop, trying to solve it all today and that I will kill myself like that.

She said housing and benefits first. Then look into working.

I will ring wonens aid, it’s just recounting the whole saga again.

My ex was very emotionally abusive, he’s one of the reasons I was a SAHM anyway as he threw hurdles in the way of work and even then I couldn’t have relied on him for school runs etc.

He’s run me down so much, accusing me of being lazy and useless, when I was doing what we agreed, he’s told me how stupid I am etc.

Years ago (before him) I was in the Police, I was once a very strong woman and somewhere I’ve lost that. I don’t have skills that are useful, I can’t type etc but I’m very resourceful and good at working for myself.

It’s ferling like it’s easier to go back it really is. My sister has said that I should get a least 6 months HB (there may be an issue over my interest in the marital home) and that she will help with the shortfall if need be.

I’m so angry at myself for being pitying, but it’s just been relentless.

My ex is now charm itself, with loads of promises and I want to believe him but I know I can’t

I’m lucky in as much as I have no debts and have got a clean slate. I had saved up for years to get the money I have just used to secure this house