Frightened to start divorce, in fact frightened of the whole bloody lot

[Elliebellybum]

So, nutshell, left exh with children in tow a couple of months ago after emotional and very occasional physical abuse became a bigger bit of physical abuse in front of our screaming children.
Charges dropped by CPS after refusal to interview eldest child (they all saw and all corroborate how it happened)
Ex refused to move out of home, so we had to go. Advised by solicitor Occupation order not going to remove him, more likely let him stay with conditions.

We have had fuck all help frankly, I put my rights on the home (in his name) and it seems this is enough to bar me from any help, housing woman advised I return to the marital home as there was nowhere to go (I was declaring us homeless)
Same woman today when speaking to her about possible social housing advised I send the DCs back to live with him, thus leaving only myself homeless.

Ex now being perfect DH and DH I always wanted, or at least he is verbally, his actions do not quite show the same. He’s going to get counselling etc allegedly.

I know I need to divorce, but the way he will be frightens me. Currently he is being charming and playing ball over the kids and access because he thinks after a few months we will try again, the minute I say divorce that vaguely reasonable man will disappear, and the lying, cheating, spiteful, vicious, greedy man I actually know will reappear.

I’ve struggled to find a place to rent to us, I’ve been a SAHM and although I’m going to address work it’s still not going to bring in the income Letting agents want, I will need school time, term time work as I have no family nearby for help and due to differing ages childcare during holidays is problematic.

Ive managed to get a place, but it’s taken 6 months rent in advance, which with guarantor fees and a deposit is in the region of 10k which literally has wiped out every penny I had put away for this leaving day.

Because I technically have a financial interest in the house (and I should get enough to buy my own house outright after a divorce) I think there will be issues over HB in the long term.

I’m sat in bed almost hyperventilating with panic over it all.

I’m paying 10k up front for a rental, I don’t know if I will get any HB or how long for and in 6 months that rent needs paying again. It’s not even right for us, but of all the places I’ve seen only two have said yes.

Ex manipulates earnings, he won’t pay child maintenance (he has children from a previous marriage, he didn’t pay for over 6 years, so I know what he will do)

He has already shifted assets to try to stop me getting a share of them.

He will batten down the hatches and draw this out as long as possible in an attempt to financially starve me into submission.

Meanwhile he will attempt 50% custody of the children, using that as a bargaining chip to give me financial fairness.

The fear I feel over the enormous responsibility I have to my children is massive, and it will be my responsibility, he will try to minimise divorce money and he will never, ever help financially with the kids again. It’s all on me.

So I’ve gone from a SAHM who was abused but didn’t really have to worry about things to a (at the moment) almost homeless SAHM who is laying out a fortune to secure a house, who needs to sort out benefits, who has no idea if she can cover the rent when the six months is up and who is absolutely terrified of taking the next steps

Don't go back 😭 to a beating. You know you can't trust him. You've got friends and a supportive sister. This is your chance to get your life back.

You're doing amazingly well; please please don't go back to him.
Your dc will be grateful for ever that you had the balls to get them out of that situation.

OP, you are amazing and have come so far. Moments of self pity, panic, exhaustion are all completely normal. Keep doing what you're doing, try to rest at times to re gather your strength for whatever you need to do next.

It boils my piss re how little support you have had. When my ex assaulted me, the police were fantastic, removed him and got a restraining order on him. I didn't have to do anything, they did it all. This should be what every woman in our situation gets. It's what you deserved and needed and you have been badly let down.

I couldn’t believe how easily they accepted his lies! They wouldn’t even ask my 11 year old what happened!
It was literally “well your DH has a different version of events and CPS they they can’t 100% guarantee a conviction so they’ve dropped it”
I’m assuming because no one ever lies 🤔

My injury didn’t even tie in with how he said it happened, it would have been in a totally different place.

He now knows what he did but feels clever because the police took his version over mine, which makes him feel even more smug.

He asks me to come back all the time he also acknowledges what he did (when it suits him) and swears it won’t happen again.

Apparently me leaving has given him an epiphany which he didn’t have the last few years when I kept trying to discuss what he was doing to me.

Going back just shows abusers what you will tolerate. As in well I hit her and she still came back...
I'm not blaming anyone who does by the way. The reasons we go back or don't leave are complex. This is just the version that is inside their heads.

Hi Op, I hope this post comes across in the helpful encouraging way I mean it too. Written words are hard to decipher the tone when read but I genuinely have your best interests at heart and speaking of course based solely on my own experience, which is not yours.

I do take yr point about childcare. I too live in a small village. This is where holiday clubs come into their own for the older kids and a day nursery in the nearest town or close to work for the youngest. While you may have to travel a bit they will all be open throughout the summer and other term holidays providing you with all year round care, supported by your annual leave. Like you I had no family or friend support with the DC's so I really do understand the challenges. It’s hard at times especially when they are poorly but it can be done so don’t be put off or deterred.

Term time jobs are very difficult to get . ( I found that and I had all the transferable skills ) There is such a high response to those vacancies. Not impossible but everyone wants those roles and they have the pick of the crop to chose from. I'm worried that if you found this difficult to achieve in the short term it may affect your confidence as it did mine. I became increasingly frustrated as I could clearly do the job with my eyes closed, some of the reasons I got for not getting the roles were comical! At the time I was looking I was already working in a full time role that was highly demanding but I too also had my own little business on the side concurrently. It did get me down I have to admit. I felt a failure because I couldn’t get a term time job. I eventually secured a role like that but it took many many interviews and by which time I had all my other bits of the puzzle done ( divorce) and dusted by then so I had the luxury of time and that was all thanks to full time working. I know what lies ahead for you and I personally don't think a term time role would not give you enough at this stage , even with credits, to live on and pay for your divorce at this time. Ultimately your divorce is key as it not only frees you but more importantly divides your assets and gives you your money that you need to move forward. The divorce is the door that you need to open to move forward and I need you see that today through all the noise of everything else. This is what my post is about.

Really, if you want to be free of money worries in the short term and accomplish the divorce etc in a reasonable time frame a full time job is the way the go. The divorce is the only way you will get your money out so you have to have the divorce as one of your highest priorities. Divorces are expensive so the more you can earn now the quicker you will free yourself of that wretched man. A part time job and associated benefits will not cover this. No where close. Once you have achieved all that then you will have time and freedom to wait to secure a term time job and build up your business as you will also be in a better and more secure position when you get your hse money. I can’t help but feel you are putting things in the wrong order right now. You already have one foot out the door, get the other one out by the end of this year. You are halfway there already. When you are in your own home, that you have bought from your proceeds you will have all the security you need to work part time and make a go of your business. But, you need a secure platform first.

Divorces are costly, there is no escaping that and you will need to pay upfront on acct. You don’t have the luxury of choice right now in terms of work. You need to earn as much as you possibly can. My divorce took just over 12 mths and cost £3200. This was in 2002 so could be more now. £500 here on acct..letters to be drawn up... another £500 there on acct.. more letters and legalities to be adhered to... division of assets ...court hearings & solicitor needs to be there..etc. We also did it very amicably and agreeably as most ,well no let’s be clear,all of the assets were actually mine and he respected that. But still we had to go through the legal motions and as we were married, he had entitlement,however unfair that was to me at the time.

I eventually left the marriage with exactly half of what i went into it with and 2 extra mouths to feed. Took me 2 yrs to build myself back up financially and buy my home... again. A very similar home to that I had and started off with and had when I met my now divorced husband. As a result I have never married again ( nor will I) or combined finances with anyone.

A full time salary will enable you to get your divorce and do it quickly. A part time job and rebuilding your business will not afford you the money you need to free yourself and get your money out quickly. You will be in a limbo for years. All that you have achieved in the last 6 weeks tells me that you have a rod of iron running through you and you can do this. If this was a diff poster my advice may be different based on their circumstances but you are so close to ditching that man. Come on , look at the bigger picture, part time work and business building can wait another year. When you are in your new home that you have bought outright with your settlement.

I see you have a meeting at the job centre on Monday. That is a fantastic start. I know people in your RL have given you advice as to what you may or may not receive but unless they have been in your exact position they really can’t know for certain. It may be that from a benefits point of view your need and qualification may be perceived as less than someone who say who has no job or business at all,no savings,no share in a house, no accommodation pre paid for 6mths etc. It could follow that you may or may not be entitled to all you hope for. You must prepare for this and be able to remove yourself and your family from their criteria and you will only do that by fully supporting yourselves. Depends on what they consider your assets and income to be. We don’t know today but hopefully Monday will clarify everything for you moving forward.

OP, your best plan today for you and your DC’s is to decide you are taking care of business yourself. That way you will always be in control of you and your family, it’s housing and it’s needs. Keeping in the front of your mind always that you need to fund your divorce to enable you to move forward and
16 hrs pw and credits will not provide you with enough money to do that. You will be clearer on Monday and then you can start to decide how you want to move forward.

I think here op you have a bit more going for you than others may have had in a similar situation as you have already paid 6mts rent up front for secure accommodation. You really need to use that to springboard you now and I don't mean to scaremonger but the reality is to succeed and be free, to obtain your divorce quickly and to make your own choices in this life
you have to be in full time paid work. Once you have secured yourself and your DC’s you can then turn your attentions to the preferable part time and business building your desire but you have to accept you cannot do that this year as you are getting all your ducks in their rows.

You have had such a tough time and I think you are exceptionally brave. But, I also feel you may be a little naive and you are experiencing things for the first time and are overwhelmed. I’m not sure you realise how much it will cost for you to get divorced and to get your money out of that house. I hope my post here, while honest, provides you with a bit of an eye opener as to what you can expect so that you can prepare yourself and equip yourself adequately and plan not only your future but for those of your children whose futures you are ultimately responsible for now. You have to provide for yourself and your DC’s for decades to come, it’s not scary if you put all that you need to in place now. That will involve a good salary each month . You have to dig deep now and make choices based on what will provide the best future for you and your DC’s moving forward and not necessarily what fits in with you at this moment in time.
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Thanks for your post.

I have a reasonable idea of what it’s going to cost, and my family are going to fund it and will be repaid after I divorce. I’m aware against my ex I’m looking at possibly 20k.
Even a full time job isn’t going to cover that one unfortunately.

I don’t have any savings left, I’m using them on this, my husband has all the assets, in his name. Currently I own a car, a 2k car at that because he took all the family cars. Other than that there is the house that I am not on the mortgage for.
I’m not rolling in things I own unfortunately.
And I’m not disposing of them either, I’m having to pay that much rent to house us.

I have looked into childcare for them all before, my youngest goes to the school nursery and gets her 16 hours, and during that I do my business stuff.

Unfortunately I do not have skills that are cried out for in the workplace, this is why I have worked for myself.

I don’t think I’m naive, I’m just looking for the best way to do all of this without upsetting the kids anymore than they already are.

My ex will also go for 50% custody so I have no intentions of putting them into childcare extra time and helping him to achieve this.

I know your experience was different and I accept that, but currently my life is pretty impossible without trying to sort out a full time job, new nursery and after school clubs etc.

I will get there, but maybe a bit differently x

Op - doesn't matter if all the assets are in your H's name; you were married and those assets form part of the marital pot. Just try to get hold of the evidence of those assets if you can.

Just keep going, OP. You have family support, you have found somewhere to live, you've done brilliantly so far.

You can't go back - he's had no compunction in attacking you in front of the dc, and if you feel like giving up on your own behalf, you can't for their sakes.

Little chunks, one day at a time, try not to worry about what happens in 6 months time. Get the support of Women's Aid or another domestic violence service behind you.

I wish you all the best OP moving forward. I would reassure in you in closing that working full time and using childcare to do so does not affect custody rights in any way. Who ever has told you this is misleading you. Millions of families, of all set ups, work and use childcare on a daily basis. We all have to work to live and that's includes those who have DC's. Pls don't allow that to have any bearing on your future decisions. It's nonsense.

I'm not sure who is advising you legally at present but would point out that you are at liberty to shop around and I would strongly suggest you see a few more solicitors before instructing one. £20k sounds excessive to me even for an unreasonable party. There are only a finite number of steps to take in a divorce. Your soon to be XH is not above the law in that respect and will do what the judge orders or the judge will do it for him. That cost sounds un realistic to me. All the best OP.

Sadly his last divorce (I met him at the end) cost his exw in the region of 50k. He just fights every step of the way unfortunately over every single thing 😩

I don’t have a problem working, I have said that, but my current circumstances do not leave me able to find a full time job right now.
I have always worked in some way and will continue to do so.