Quietly fallen out of love

[Daisy8906]

Hello, I'm looking for some wise words on my marriage predicament and am hoping someone can help bring some clarity to how I'm feeling.

My husband and I have been together since we were 18 (over 10 years ago) & have now been married for just over 2 years.

We've always had a very 'easy' relationship, no huge arguments/problems or disputes, and he's honestly a great man and husband. However, over the past year or so I've started to feel very distant and feel like I've quietly, and almost unknowingly, lost the love I had for him. We get on well but it's almost like we're two friends who live together and I don't have the desire within me to want to get back what we once had.

We've both grown up a lot in the past couple of years, but seem to have grown into two completely different people rather than grown together.

I'm 30 now, and am desperately sad at the thought of feeling this way (about a man who absolutely deserves someone who adores him) for the rest of my life. I can't for the life of my fathom what else I could possibly want from a relationship, I just feel like I haven't experienced much else & want the chance to be head over heels in love with someone rather than just feeling 'ok' about my relationship.

I realise I sound very cold hearted & I'm aware I've married a lovely man - my gut just seems to be telling me something feels wrong but I don't have a particular 'reason' to feel this way.

Any wise words on whether I need to just be happy with what I have or if anyone else has ever been in the same boat and come out the other side?! I'm aware I may never find what I'm looking for if I do leave.

Thank you if you made it to the end.

Weirdly, I know exactly how you feel. And sometimes it's enough to just put words down to express how you are really feeling.

One thing I would say, is that you're never going to feel 'head over heels' in love with someone for your whole life. Feelings/ circumstances/ people change and you're bound to have these patches of doubt.

It sounds to me like you just need to 're-connect'. Unfortunately if there's one thing I've learned, it's that communication is key! Hard as it may seem, I think you need to talk about how you feel and try to work out the cause. Good luck!!

It is hard when you got together so young, as you have not had time to experience anything else. I guess you could leave and fall head over hills with someone else but once the dust settles I think most relationships reach this point? I dunno, it's such a hard one isn't it!

knackeredandsome has summed it up much better than me!

OP - sadly it happens very often in relationships that start in your teens.
Growing up and changing, and realising that you are different and don’t fit anymore.
And, in addition, missing out on a lot of dating and exploration that people tend to do in their 20s.

Sad as it is - it’s not your fault. Really.

Good news is that both of you are young to meet other people who would fit you both better. And, as you didn’t mention kids - I assume you don’t have any, making separation easier.

Good luck!

Thank you for your kind replies. I think we'll have to have a very honest discussion and see where we go from here.

No children - so you're right that separating is easier, although still a very daunting prospect but certainly simpler for us both to start again if it comes to that.

Thank you x

If no kids, my god separate. ‘Reconnect’ my arse.

Can you not experience what's missing now? Or are you just no longer attracted to him or lovf him enough to bother?

want the chance to be head over heels in love with someone

Sounds like you basically want the first six months of a relationship but over and over again. Limerance. A few ways to get that. Have lots of relationships is one.

I do love him and care for him, but it feels like the romantic love has gone and it's more of a close friend love if that makes any sense. Thank you for all your advice, I think it's probably time for me to face up to it.

I think there’s a difference between falling out of love & missing the excitement of a new relationship. It doesn’t sound like the latter, if you are always feeling it isn’t right then there’s a reason for that- it isn’t!

Have a good, long think & don’t feel terribly guilty about ending things if that’s what you decide. You’ll both be able to move on in time and he’ll be grateful you haven’t stayed with him out of guilt or loyalty.

Good luck OP

I know someone who did leave their DH because of this very reason. They had a miserable time of it. Jumped from one disasterous relationship to the next always ending up hurt. She told me years later it was the biggest mistake she ever made. Don't always think the grass is greener...it frequently isn't. You owe it to yourself and your husband to try and rescue the marriage before you consider packing it in. At least that way you will know for sure and can honestly say that you tried your best.

I could have written this myself when I was still with XH! Exactly how I felt - we had got together when I was 16, engaged at 19, married at 21, I fell pregnant at 26 which hadn't been planned and although we both wanted and absolutely loved our baby and were great loving parents, I just had to admit that I wasn't in love with hubby anymore. That was when DS was 10months old, I left with baby and went to live with my parents for a month till I got my own house sorted. Met a new man shortly after, the whole getting together thing was so exciting and fresh and we just clicked. I was always a little apprehensive especially after coming out a long relationship, about entering another serious relationship so soon. But I just let it happen and it was great and still is. XH Met someone else shortly after and he is still happy with her too. And we all (me, XH, DP and XHP) get on well and speak and spend time together at times (same sort of friend group still) and our DS is so happy and knows the set up, absolutely loves his dad but has an amazing relationship with my partner too. So from my experience, absolutely don't stay if your feeling that way - you will spend the rest of your life wondering what if? Life's too short to be unhappy. It will be hard to start with undoubtedly and you will question your choices over and over but hopefully it will all come good in the end.

That's comforting to hear @Lisaloo15, glad everything worked out for you both :) I agree life is too short to be unhappy & my DH deserves to have someone who adores him completely, I guess it's just incredibly daunting going from thinking about ending it to actually leaving. Thank you for your kind words. I'll give it some more thought & time before making any decisions x

Life is too short. Get out of this now. You'll both benefit in the long run

This was me 6 or 7 years ago, DH and I had been together for 10 years and married for around 5 years at that point. And life felt flat, he was working away a lot and I was at home alone.

Anyway to cut a long story short I moved out and I knew as soon as I left what a mistake it had been. We separated for 6 months but were in contact during that time and saw each other.

I moved back in after we both realised that being apart wasn’t what we wanted. Since then things have been so much better. We committed to spending more time together, we made plans for the future and how to get there. I’m 34 now and we’ve been married 11 years and together 16. We have a DD and another on the way. I wouldn’t change my life for anything. He is my best friend and the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But back then I couldn’t see it.

I think it may be best to separate but on good terms if he can do that and see how you both feel 6 months later. I do feel the old expression of ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ has something in it and sometimes in marriage we can simply see too much of someone for it to feel like romantic love, not everyone feels that way but I think many do , that’s why when you first meet someone and don’t see them all the time I think it feels more interesting/exciting, and not having the domestic shit to deal with helps too

PS. I'm in such a similar position, but with 2DC and I guess I'm hoping the 'reconnect' thing will work for us.

We did have a couple of years apart in our early 20s, but it was a bit of a disaster. Every 'greener grass' moment turned out to be not so green, and I realised how much I loved now-DH. But I have to say, I'm feeling unsure about our future. A few 'issues' going on which aren't helping either. Fingers crossed we can work it out, but I'm feeling a bit wobbly.

Half of me thinks 'life is too short' the other part thinks 'for goodness sake, why can't you just be happy'

Very similar position here but with 2 DC. Have been giving serious consideration to ending it but it seems so daunting. And whilst I don't think I'd regret it I'd feel terrible guilt for the pain I'd cause to DH and the upheaval to the children. So following this with interest!

Can very much relate to @knackeredandsome

@Needsomebottle I can't imagine how difficult this would be with children in the mix too! It's knowing the hurt I'd cause (albeit I suppose it's kinder in the long run) that's stopping me I think. Hope you find your answer x

Thank you! Likewise to you xx

Do you think he has any idea you're feeling this way? Do you think he may feel the same?
It's such a horrible place to be, but never ever settle or make so......eventually it'll show x

MynameisJune - inspiring story....I am contemplating a separation just to see whether time apart will make us realise what we have is worth salvaging. We’ve been two friends living together for a long time.

Can I ask - how did you handle/manage communication of and during your separation with family and common friends (which is all we seem to have)?

Whilst it’s our life and happiness at stake, I am also very (perhaps too) conscious of ‘what others will think’....both of we were to separate and to get back again.

Many thanks!

@MynameisJune Thank you for sharing your story, what you've said is exactly what I'm worried about - that it's a huge mistake and I'm blind to what's in front of me.

He's not aware of exactly how I'm feeling (I definitely need to tell him honestly) but he does know I haven't quite been feeling happy for a while. I put it down to work stress but I know I need to be honest with him. It feels like an enormous decision and I'm absolutely terrified of breaking his heart and letting everyone down.

Daisy have you discussed it with anyone close to you? I have a few friends who I've rambled on to about this for months (think they're sick of it now - if not they should be!) and I've confided in my mum. Remarkably they are all very supportive and I think they see it as an obvious decision. It has eased the stress a bit of feeling the pressure to feel like I'm not letting people down. Likewise they'll be supportive and understand if I decide to stump for what I have and plough on. If you haven't, maybe it would help?

I am going through the same thing on the receiving end as my partner of five and a half years decided at the end of November she “didn’t feel the same way about me” anymore.
She ended our relationship by phone from 3500 miles away and has completely destroyed me. She says there is no way back as her feeling for me have changed.

I would implore you to be honest with you partner and be gentle with the way you deal with this. My partner dropped the news on my completely out of the blue and dealing with the surprise of it had been as painful as dealing with the loss.