Quietly fallen out of love

[Daisy8906]

Hello, I'm looking for some wise words on my marriage predicament and am hoping someone can help bring some clarity to how I'm feeling.

My husband and I have been together since we were 18 (over 10 years ago) & have now been married for just over 2 years.

We've always had a very 'easy' relationship, no huge arguments/problems or disputes, and he's honestly a great man and husband. However, over the past year or so I've started to feel very distant and feel like I've quietly, and almost unknowingly, lost the love I had for him. We get on well but it's almost like we're two friends who live together and I don't have the desire within me to want to get back what we once had.

We've both grown up a lot in the past couple of years, but seem to have grown into two completely different people rather than grown together.

I'm 30 now, and am desperately sad at the thought of feeling this way (about a man who absolutely deserves someone who adores him) for the rest of my life. I can't for the life of my fathom what else I could possibly want from a relationship, I just feel like I haven't experienced much else & want the chance to be head over heels in love with someone rather than just feeling 'ok' about my relationship.

I realise I sound very cold hearted & I'm aware I've married a lovely man - my gut just seems to be telling me something feels wrong but I don't have a particular 'reason' to feel this way.

Any wise words on whether I need to just be happy with what I have or if anyone else has ever been in the same boat and come out the other side?! I'm aware I may never find what I'm looking for if I do leave.

Thank you if you made it to the end.

@Needsomebottle I've spoken to a couple of close friends who, like you've said, have all been really supportive and think it's an obvious decision if I'm not happy. Easier said than done though! I'm planning on confiding in my Mum this week to see if she had any words of wisdom, but you're right that it feels like less of a burden once you know nobody thinks you're insane (although I'm sure lots of people will do if we do end up separating!) x

@njptvr I'm so sorry to hear this - thank you for sharing what must be a painful story. You're 100% right that I need to be very gentle and honest.

I really hope you find happiness moving forwards.

@ontheroadtonowhere common friends kind of dropped of the radar for a while and family wise we just kept to our own sides. It was super awkward at first seeing everyone again but after 3 - 6 months of being back together there was no difference in our relationship with any of them. We were quite open with friends about what was happening.

I think the main thing I realised is that the grass is definitely not greener. And when we have periods now where we are sleep deprived and stressed I remember that time and how it felt to be apart and give myself a kick to be kinder/nicer to him. Stress was always an issue that caused him to pull away and made me feel like he didn’t want me. We both know now when we are getting to that point and manage it much better. We are better communicators now than we ever were before because that was also a huge issue. We would talk but never really about anything important.

I think we’d grown but our relationship didn’t feel like it had matured with us. We were both still trying to keep everything ‘nice’ rather than real.

@MynameisJune

Thank you. Very useful to know this....

I married a man I knew since age 19, when I was 21 (he was 26). Within two years, I felt very much the way you describe, and decided to leave. He was devastated, and told me he'd do anything to make things work. We decided to try to stick it out.

After three more years, I couldn't bear it any more, and things I had previously tolerated as reasonable flaws had become intolerable. I did not treat my spouse kindly in those last months. I even tried to get him to be with someone else, so I wouldn't have to feel guilty about leaving. Eventually, totally unable to confront him with the request for a divorce, I left first and told him after already securing a new place to live and signing a lease that moved me hundreds of miles away from our marital home.

I know it absolutely wrecked him, but I knew he wasn't the right person for me, and that I had changed so much that it wasn't fair for me to move the goalposts of what I demanded from a partner.

I remarried twice, once was a short-lived (less than a year, after a one-month courtship) disaster. The other has produced two lovely children and is far more happy and fulfilling than my first marriage. I am still friends with my first husband, although he lives halfway around the world now, doing international work. He was always on the fence about children, and I think is a bit relieved after all that I got to have the kids and he didn't have to take the responsibility.

I think we will always be fond of one another, and I would always help him out of a jam. We got each other through times when we were broke and all we had was each other, and that's worth something. But I don't think I had romantic love or attachment for him since not long after our wedding. I wish I had handled our separation and divorce more maturely, but it's all water under the bridge.

This might sound naieve but how would you define romantic love?

@Pockybot I think it's easier to define what I don't feel - I.e. I don't feel anything romantic towards him anymore (kissing, touching or even wanting to hug really) so we're literally just like roommates.

Do you want children in the future? I think if you do, that makes it a bigger decision, still with plusses and minuses.

If you don't, then maybe read up about monogamish relationships alongside other options. This issue will most likely recur, perhaps for him next time, if you stay together. (If you have kids together it will as well, its just a whole ton more complicated). Mating in captivity might be a good book to read as well.

Before pulling the trigger to end it I would first of all talk to him to tell him how I felt. Maybe he feels the same or maybe you can agree to try and reignite the spark again. Life can be monotonous and if you see your partner everyday in the boring throes of life then i can see how the spark goes.
It's easy to just leave but surely it would make sense to even try Initially to save it?

For God's sake talk to him!

I felt the same about my long term relationship in my 20s. Together 10 years, loved him and still do but for the last few years felt no romantic love towards him. And everything about him started to annoy me. A few years ago we spent a few weeks working together and I loved spending time with him. I'd still want him as a friend though he lives in another country so it isn't going to happen. But as much as I could happily spend lots of time with him, I couldn't imagine having sex with him. I'm on my 4th relationship since finishing with him and they haven't been easy but your heart/chemistry has a mind of its own and you can't force yourself to have feelings.

Hi,
I’m 28, was with my STBX from 17 & only married a year... in July he got in bed with me one night and told me he didn’t love me anymore ... completely out of the blue.. he has never given me any real reason apart from saying he didn’t love me like he used too and he moved out 2 days later. He never spoke to me once about how he felt or that he had any doubts about us or the relationship, he had even messaged me that day telling me how much he loved me and calling me his “perfect wifey” .. even put his hand on my belly a week before leaving saying how he couldn’t wait for his baby to be in there soon....

As someone on the receiving end if there is one bit of advice I can give it’s be honest, give him solid reasons and don’t try to be soft to be kind if that makes sense .. my ex would message me telling me I looked beautiful in a WhatsApp photo or message me to see how I am and it has completely slowed my healing process down.. it’s not helpful and if you do meet someone quickly and move on.. tell him.. I found out at my best friends 30th that my husband had been seeing someone else since 8 weeks after he left me and it ripped me to shreds.

Do not stay with someone you’re not in love with, do not stay with someone just because of familiarity, life is too short and you both deserve to be happy.

Just make sure you’re honest with him, I’ve lost all respect for the man I adored and married 18 months ago because of the crap he’s fed me this year. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way, feelings change xx

Try to talk to him, like you probably used to do when you first got together, let him know you're feeling this way and give yourselves time to work through those feelings, it doesn't have to be an all or nothing decision right now, see if you can both come to a conclusion about what the future holds for you.

I'm in this situation sort of. But I've just moved back in with dp after two years apart (but spending a lot of time together). I thought I wanted to get back together but now I'm full of all the reasons I left in the first place. It's awful. But now that DD's in school I just think it would be awful to see her so little if we split. And we are good friends. I change my mind every 5 seconds and feel completely evil to dp. (Still have my flat but need to hand my notice in this month....). If I were to advise someone on my situation who didn't have kids I would definitely say separate as the itch to fall in love (which I've never done) never goes away.

Just checking in op to see how you're doing? Been there myself a few years ago so know the emotions you're going through x

Hi @thinkingcapon Thank you for thinking of me! I told him how I feel and he was really upset although he said he was aware I hadn't been happy. We've agreed to try our best to reconnect over the next couple of months and see how it goes, but have both agreed that if it's not working, we need to split. All very sad but I feel like we've moved forwards a bit as we both know where we stand.

It can be sad but never feel like you have to make do.....life is very much too short and sometimes you've got to make some very hard decisions if your guts telling you to.
Take care and if you want to come back here to vent then do and if not wishing you luck and more importantly happiness! X

Could it be turning 30 op?

@thinkingcapon Thank you :) xx

Please, please talk to him! I'm part of a very similar story only with 2 kids involved.

I knew my wife unhappy and the fact that we never addressed it head on for so long may mean for me it's already too late.

Relationships do change but you may still want the same things long term? He may also have similar feelings / concerns only not expressed them. Can't stress the importance of communication.

He may the wrong man for you - or have you guys just fallen into a too comfortable relationship? Only you two can really know.

But I think with talking will come clarity. Please don't mentally commit too much to a decision before you address / talk about how you feel and see his response?

For every tale there seems to be some couples post break who were better off and some who are just worse. If you are too decent people as it certainly sounds - please talk to each other.

Good luck.