Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating as a single mum

37 replies

JudgeJudyWhereAreYou · 04/01/2019 17:22

I’m in my mid 20s and split up with my dcs dad two years ago. I also have an older dc from a previous relationship (was a young ftm).

I’ve tried OLD but seem to only meet guys willing to have a relationship with me who are in their 30s and 40s who have their own older children, or fuck boys who run a mile when I tell them I’m a mum of 2.

Am I really doomed to be lonely until the children are older? Or do I have to accept that the only men emotionally mature enough to handle my situation are going to be significantly older than me?

OP posts:
whatsthepointthen · 04/01/2019 17:52

Hmm whats wrong with 30s? Lets face it most men in their 20s are not going to want to take on a single mum of 2 with 2 different dads. Just being honest!

Original poster
JudgeJudyWhereAreYou · 04/01/2019 18:05

Ok, before this gets out of hand I had my eldest when I was still in my teens. Without wanting to out myself with too many identifying details, their dad isn’t around anymore and it’s just me who parents him. My youngest’s dad is still around and he has her eow. My mum looks after my eldest when youngest is at her dad’s so that I can have a break. So it’s not like I’d have no time for a relationship.

I’m just not attracted to older men. I’d go as old as mid thirties at a push but they’d have to be a fit mid thirties. Just being honest.

OP posts:
sizzledrizz · 04/01/2019 18:10

The thing is that most men in their 20s all just want to have fun and will think that you are looking for someone serious. The men mature enough to date you will be older.
And just don't know what you mean by fit? Do you mean some one who works out?

whatsthepointthen · 04/01/2019 18:13

I didnt mean it as harsh as it sounds, lets face it it is alot to take on for a man in his 20s. its not very appealing. Just trying to be honest as to why you are struggling.

Slowcookervegan · 04/01/2019 18:15

Funny, i never thought i would date an older man. One day i am sitting in a coffee shop. A man sits next to me. 11 years older. No ooo i want to date him feeling so when he spoke i responded. We talked all afternoon. We had di ner that night.
That was 5 years ago.
It doesn't matter about the age gap. when you meet him, you will know

PilingOnThePounds · 04/01/2019 18:25

You never know. There are men in their 20s who would date a mum, albeit rare. Keep trying. Don't give up hope.

Stay away from the older ones, they have too much power in the relationship. You will never be their equal

Original poster
JudgeJudyWhereAreYou · 04/01/2019 18:26

What do you mean by older men having too much power? I like to think I can hold my own with anyone

OP posts:
PilingOnThePounds · 04/01/2019 18:30

They would only like you for your youth. A bit of arm candy. Once you get old, they discard you and trade you in for a younger model.

Forever21 · 04/01/2019 18:34

Men in 20s usually just want fun

PilingOnThePounds · 04/01/2019 18:36

Men in 20s usually just want fun

I think OP should too. And maybe date in her 30's. She already has 2 kids. Focus on yourself OP. You don't need to be in a relationship.

NOTthepinkranger · 04/01/2019 18:38

I’m in my 20s too and a single mum - I don’t really blame lads my age not wanting to date someone with a kid - ive been on a few dates with someone a year older and he thinks he’s ok with it but he’s not sure but I also wouldn’t expect him to be involved in my child’s life unless we was serious and a long way down the line.

I know lots of single mums who are dating though. Not always ‘older’ men maybe up to 5 years older max

CatherineOfTarragon · 04/01/2019 18:38

Op, I think for the moment you just need to focus on yourself and your DC's. It may seem
unfair but that is the reality. I am ( considerably ) older than you with 2 late teens,so I have a little experience in this field! I think if you become more self sufficient emotionally, then, with any one you meet moving forward, always have in your mind that they will not be involved with your children at all and solely your relationship, you may have more success. Really what I am saying is that any future relationship you have is strictly you and him for the time being. Some/most men are put off by ready made families. In that case a slightly older man, in his 30's ,who perhaps has kids from prev relationship may be more likely to invest in a serious relationship. I'm not saying your giving off vibes etc, I don't know as not there, so ols don't misinterpret what I say.

For now you need to keep your two worlds very separate. Any man you meet now, you not only need to be very selective but you need to show him that you got this all covered and any relationship you embark on together is really about just the 2 of you only and he will never be involved with any financial or emotional aspect of your children. This also requires you you to be flexible and have time for him which is difficult with children. You need to think about how you accommodate that. I know it sounds unfair but this is your reality and sometimes accepting things as they are provide a new confidence and self assurance. That in turn attracts people who will value you. Good luck op.

CheerioHunter · 04/01/2019 18:44

With respect that's a very narrow minded, almost bitter view. Perhaps personal past experiences have skewed your perspective?
Back to OP. everyone's different, but obviously stereotypes are built up because they're often true.
Guys in their 20s are at the age where they want to be able to do whatever they want to, and having a partner with two kids changes that, and the fact that they are in a position where they can pick whether or not to take that on from the outset without having built up that relationship with you over time like they probably would if it was his child with you, means he can, I suspect in his mind not give you the time of day, or worse still, not give you the respect you deserve.
Older (even slightly) guys tend to have gone through that stage so have different priorities.

I guess what I'd say you need to do, if a guy in his 30s is definitely a no go for you, is to find a situation where the potential for getting together isn't an idea in his head until he gets to know you and can't get you out of his head.
Good luck Wink

CatherineOfTarragon · 04/01/2019 18:49

Cheerio.. whose post were you referring to as bitter and narrow minded? Not mine I hope. 🤭

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 04/01/2019 18:50

Not really sure what you are looking for; a relationship or just dating?
Also, do you want to have more children?

Original poster
JudgeJudyWhereAreYou · 04/01/2019 18:53

I’m looking for someone who I can share other parts of my life with, someone who makes me feel like I’m not just a mum. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids to death and they are my absolute world but it can be really lonely not having a grown up relationship and I’m too young to give up on romance forever.

OP posts:
Original poster
JudgeJudyWhereAreYou · 04/01/2019 18:54

Trouble is that I’m not physically attracted to older men. But I’m not emotionally attracted to guys my age as most are in a completely different place in life.

OP posts:
Original poster
JudgeJudyWhereAreYou · 04/01/2019 18:54

Maybe I should give up for a few years until my dsc are older.

OP posts:
NOTthepinkranger · 04/01/2019 18:56

Do you have time to actually date? I feel like men in their early 30s are mature enough for the whole kid situation (for me anyway)

Original poster
JudgeJudyWhereAreYou · 04/01/2019 18:59

That’s another problem. I’m shattered most of the time and the kids come first. Maybe I’m being unrealistic about being able to hold down a relationship whilst my LOs need so much attention still.

OP posts:
whatsthepointthen · 04/01/2019 18:59

How old are your children (sorry if youve said already and I missed it)

O4FS · 04/01/2019 19:02

I’d be forgetting about dating and getting out with friends instead.

Original poster
JudgeJudyWhereAreYou · 04/01/2019 19:03

I don’t want to post exact ages in case it outs me but older one is nearly school age and youngest is toddler

OP posts:
NOTthepinkranger · 04/01/2019 19:03

I’d give it more time before you start think about seriously dating OP.
It’s horrible feeling lonely and lost, I know but it doesn’t sound like the best time for you

CheerioHunter · 04/01/2019 19:09

Sorry, my bad! No, this one...

"PilingOnThePounds

They would only like you for your youth. A bit of arm candy. Once you get old, they discard you and trade you in for a younger model."

Swipe left for the next trending thread