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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don’t know why I’m so upset about this

44 replies

Jnglebells · 03/01/2019 18:17

Went OLD and met a really nice guy. He’s divorced with no kids.

He told me his exW took him to the cleaners both during and after the marriage.

He bought her expensive gifts, paid for her beauty treatments etc whilst they were together. She never worked and so when they divorced, she was awarded a massive settlement because it was the life in which she had become accustomed to.

I don’t know why and I’m probably being unreasonable but it really really pisses me off that she got the better of him. He’s a good hard working fella and pretty smart too but I think he completely lost his head with her. I feel jealous of her and all the stuff he bought her. We’ve only been dating a few months so it’s still early days but the most he’s ever bought me is flowers and a body shop set for Xmas.

I get that he’s probably being cautious since he’s been bitten badly in the past and I’m definitely not with him for money and gifts but I can’t help comparing how he spent so much on her.

Please help me get a grip!

OP posts:

whatsthepointthen · 03/01/2019 18:19

Remember you are only hearing one side of the story

SoyDora · 03/01/2019 18:20

Hmm... I’d be wary of any man saying things like this about his ex wife when you’ve been dating him a few months.

JK1773 · 03/01/2019 18:20

You only have one side of the story is my gut reaction. Presumably she didn’t have his arm up his back or a gun to his head imposing this lifestyle on him (if it’s even true). It’s a life they had together, they made choices together. It’s really and respectfully nothing to do with you.
I’m a divorce lawyer, I’m always continually surprised how 2 people can have such wildly differing interpretations of the same marriage

LatentPhase · 03/01/2019 18:20

Yeah I don’t know why you’re upset either. Was none of your business. Everyone has a past.

I think you’re insecure and this is how it’s playing out in your head.

Maybe ponder why that is.

takeanotherchillpill · 03/01/2019 18:21

And you know all of this to be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth because......?

Original poster

Jnglebells · 03/01/2019 18:22

Yes, that’s true. But I had a nosy on fb (I know I know) and was able to track their entire relationship. She didn’t have 2 pennies to rub together when they got together. Met my bf (her exH) and started wearing nice clothes, moved into his nice home, started wearing more and more expensive things/bragged about spas and holidays etc etc.

OP posts:

Scarydinosaurs · 03/01/2019 18:22

I would say feeling jealousy like that is indicative of someone who is emotionally immature. I dont think that’s a normal reaction at all.

SoyDora · 03/01/2019 18:24

I think being jealous of the money he spent on her is a bit odd to be honest. It obviously didn’t work out very well for them, did it?

Original poster

Jnglebells · 03/01/2019 18:25

I think I’m insecure that he sees me as a good bet partner wise because I have a good job and prospects but that he wouldn’t look at me twice if I’d been in a similar position financially as his ex

OP posts:

PouchofDouglas · 03/01/2019 18:26

You can work out her income ore marriage from stalking online. Mate. Get a grip

JK1773 · 03/01/2019 18:28

I think you need to work on your self-esteem! Seriously! Why do you think of yourself that way? If he’s making you feel like that get rid of him. It doesn’t sound like you’re in the right space for dating

HollowTalk · 03/01/2019 18:29

They'd have a 50:50 split. She hasn't the right to be kept in the manner to which she'd become accustomed!

HollowTalk · 03/01/2019 18:30

I think you'll probably find this guy is a cocklodger with you. He'll bang on about women abusing him financially, all the while he'll expect you to financially support him.

TooTrueToBeGood · 03/01/2019 18:31

She got what the law decided she was entitled to. You have serious issues, both for believing his side of the story as gospel and for having so much resentment for a woman you don't know.

LatentPhase · 03/01/2019 18:32

You tracked their entire relationship via el Bookface.

Okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

This is insane. No good can come of this mentality.

Maybe take a break from dating.

Original poster

Jnglebells · 03/01/2019 18:32

Yes I probably do need to work on my self esteem.

He tells me I’m gorgeous, fancies me etc but I don’t believe him. His ex really WAS gorgeous, sexy and didn’t have a job. Whereas I earn twice what he does and do not consider myself particularly gorgeous. Attractive maybe but definitely not gorgeous.

OP posts:

ImNotKitten · 03/01/2019 18:35

It’s beyond weird and stalkerish that you’ve tracked their whole relationship.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 03/01/2019 18:36

I think you're heading towards being dumped. You need to get a grip and stop being so jealous and pathetic before he finds out.

So what if he spent more money on her!

SparklyMagpie · 03/01/2019 18:36

Ok I already thought it was weird but you are going waaaay overboard with all of this

TooTrueToBeGood · 03/01/2019 18:37

Being gorgeous is massively overrated when it comes to relationships. Good for one night stands maybe, much less important if you're looking for long term committment from someone deserving of it.

halfwitpicker · 03/01/2019 18:38

Social media is one-sided too. I'm sure she didn't post photos of herself scrubbing the toilet bowl

Obsidian77 · 03/01/2019 18:38

Total cocklodger.
He's spinning you a yarn.

pompomcat · 03/01/2019 18:38

I can understand why you're upset OP, particularly if you really like this guy.
My advice would be to focus on you and your relationship - you've no idea what actually went on between those two. You don't know what his ex is really like as a person-think about all you have worked for and be proud of yourself for doing well and standing on your own two feet. It's a relatively new relationship so enjoy yourself and take your time getting to know him - take things people say about their exes with a pinch of salt and judge him on the way he treats you, he might not want to be stung for lots of cash (which is fair enough!) but make sure you don't settle for someone that isn't caring or generous.

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 03/01/2019 18:41

Hmm it’s amazing how many times I have heard this exact same story.

And if he did actually give her all that money to maintain her that was his choice. And if she did take him to the cleaner’s well again his choice because he should have sorted out the financials properly when they divorced.

Original poster

Jnglebells · 03/01/2019 18:43

Thank you @pompomcat

To everyone else, I feel like I need to clarify that he still thinks highly of her. He’s never said that she “took him to the cleaners”. That was MY take on the situation. He’s only ever spoken about her in a positive way. I think that’s part of the problem for me. I realise it doesn’t make me look good. But it’s how I feel.

OP posts:

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