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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don’t know why I’m so upset about this

44 replies

Jnglebells · 03/01/2019 18:17

Went OLD and met a really nice guy. He’s divorced with no kids.

He told me his exW took him to the cleaners both during and after the marriage.

He bought her expensive gifts, paid for her beauty treatments etc whilst they were together. She never worked and so when they divorced, she was awarded a massive settlement because it was the life in which she had become accustomed to.

I don’t know why and I’m probably being unreasonable but it really really pisses me off that she got the better of him. He’s a good hard working fella and pretty smart too but I think he completely lost his head with her. I feel jealous of her and all the stuff he bought her. We’ve only been dating a few months so it’s still early days but the most he’s ever bought me is flowers and a body shop set for Xmas.

I get that he’s probably being cautious since he’s been bitten badly in the past and I’m definitely not with him for money and gifts but I can’t help comparing how he spent so much on her.

Please help me get a grip!

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 03/01/2019 18:44

Just a thought. If you earn twice what he does where exactly did he get all this money that she allegedly took off him? Have you had your bullshitometer calibrated recently?

Original poster

Jnglebells · 03/01/2019 18:46

I’m not sure what you mean @TooTrueToBeGood

I earn twice his salary meaning low 6 figures as opposed to his high 5 figure.

OP posts:

MumsyJ · 03/01/2019 18:47

I don't know why I see the funny side of this post, probably because I can hear the voice of the OP in my head.
Yes OP, you need to get a grip. That woman you're jealous of was his wife, she was entitled to whatever was due her. She clearly doesn't give a shit if her exH ( your bf) has moved on or not, so why are you even burning calories over how she took him to the cleaners. There are always two sides to a story. I hope your bf has moved on from her with him banging on about madam ex to you.
Don't be insecure nor jealous, you've got a job, whereas his exW didn't, use that as a consolation. If he says you're beautiful, accept the compliment, remember beauty also comes from within.
And gently tell him to slow down with the exW subject as that can be a put off. Other than that, just enjoy being his gf and make it all about you now, forget the exW!

Notacluethisxmas · 03/01/2019 18:48

because I have a good job and prospects but that he wouldn’t look at me twice if I’d been in a similar position financially as his ex
And why is that a problem?

I wouldn't look twice at someone who didn't want to work.

CalamityJane10 · 03/01/2019 18:49

My former BF said similar things about his ex.

Then I spoke to his friend’s wife who had known him for years. Turns out he was just mean and said things like this to justify never paying for anything.

It also seems unlikely (in a short marriage without DC and where the spouce was capable of working and supporting herself) that she’d get a massive payout.

TooTrueToBeGood · 03/01/2019 18:50

I was suggesting he's exagerating things. However, on the back of you're latest post I'm inclined to change my view of the whole situation. I think you have serious issues and really need professionally help. You've basically demonized his ex, a woman you have never met and without any encouragement from him. Get a grip.

SoyDora · 03/01/2019 18:51

So you’re actually just jealous that he spent more money on her than he does on you?

trulybadlydeeply · 03/01/2019 18:52

Firstly, you have no idea what really went on within the marriage, who paid for what etc. Nobody has to tell the truth on FB, and can portray whatever they want to.

However, you say you don't know why you're upset about it, but the answer is that you are jealous. You state this in your OP I feel jealous of her and all the stuff he bought her.

So the question is, what would resolve this for you? What would stop you feeling jealous? Would you like him to spend a bit more money on you, buy you presents etc? What did you get him for Christmas? Do you feel you are more invested (both financially and emotionally) than him?

I also wonder what your previous relationships have been like? How did your last relationship end? I wonder if it is affecting how you see this relationship?

We all have pasts, and we all may choose to behave differently in a current relationship than a previous one. If how he is presenting in this relationship is making you feel so insecure and jealous, (and miserable, by the sound of it) you have to examine whether this is the right person for you at the current time.

madcatladyforever · 03/01/2019 18:53

He is full of shit.

userxx · 03/01/2019 18:55

Why would you be jealous of someone who didn't work and lived off her husband. You've clearly got a good job, be proud of your achievements rather than focusing on her.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 03/01/2019 18:55

he wouldn’t look at me twice if I’d been in a similar position financially as his ex

OK, if you really feel like this, OP, I think you should dig down into that a bit. One of two things is going on:

a) you are feeling very insecure about what you have to offer as a partner - you assume that you aren't good enough to go out with unless you can be low maintenance/pay for stuff/offer something other than just yourself.

b) this guy is a dick who is undermining your confidence - he badmouthes his ex (subtley setting you up to compete with her, as well as warning you not to ever ask for help) and is making you feel like you have to pay for loads of stuff to "prove you aren't like her".

We can't tell you which it is, but you can tell us - after all, you're the one with all the info. You just need to listen to what your gut is telling you.

Did you feel insecure in previous relationships, or have these feelings only started since you started seeing this guy?

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 03/01/2019 18:56

Hmmm.... his ex wife getting a huge cash settlement from him after divorce sounds more like a celeb couple from Hollywood than Brian from Barnsley and his missus.

BatFaced · 03/01/2019 18:58

Lol at all of this

That huge cash settlement? Probably exactly what she deserved and was entitled to

Why so keen to believe all he's telling you?

trulybadlydeeply · 03/01/2019 18:58

I'm confused now.

He told me his exW took him to the cleaners both during and after the marriage.

He’s never said that she “took him to the cleaners”.

Original poster

Jnglebells · 03/01/2019 19:02

@FineWordsForAPorcupine

It’s A.

As I said, he’s never bad mouthed her. It’s all my own interpretation of the situation.

OP posts:

Doobee · 03/01/2019 19:17

You’re a bit weird to be honest. How do you know she didn’t have a penny? She may have come from family money or sold songs she wrote. You don’t know. Why are you so judgey? It’s women like you that give women a bad rap. You know nothing about her. I only post 5% of my life on Facebook. Talk about doing whatever to get some weird bloke to like you. You’ll be believing him when he tells you he works for the CIA next. Maybe you should be asking why she dumped his fat, ugly arse

CarolDanvers · 04/01/2019 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IWantMyHatBack · 04/01/2019 00:32

Chinny reckon...

neverbetrickedagain · 04/01/2019 00:48

OP, you earn good money and you don't ever have to depend on a man. That is a big thing. So important! Think about that for a change. You can have kids and still keep your independence. Be proud, not jealous!

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