Can people who verbally abuse change?

[RadHairDay]

I probably know the answer to this, but can someone who has anger issues that manifests in horrible vicious insults, can they really change?
Do they actually mean the horrendous things they say? Deep down?
A lot of horrible things said with alcohol involved, but it wasn't always

Only if they decide to change. It isn’t powered by the strength of your desire for it to happen. If you’re with an abusive person and sticking around in the hope they will change don’t waste your time. Leave. They will either chabge or they won’t. either way you’ve life to be living that doesn’t involve being abused. You don’t even have to be with them even if they do change.

Fundamentally I don't believe they can.
My ex was like that. Fine 98% of the time. But that 2% was awful.
He was the same with his ex before me, he toned it down with me.
I finally left giving him the shock of his life. He's now with someone else. I think he's toned it down further but only because of the effect on him for carrying on how he has. And it's taken the best part of 26 or so years to get to that part.

If you're with someone like it my honest view is leave. It kills all respect/love/trust. You walk on eggshells. Life is too bloody short.

No, I've finished it. I just really wonder where the vile thoughts come from? You know, the bile that gets spewed. Are they genuine thoughts they have? Do they really mean what they're saying?

I wouldn’t waste energy trying to work out where it comes from. That she their problem to work out. Probably through some long term counselling tbh.

What you need to do is start focusing on yourself and begin healing. Probably some counselling will help you with that too. But stop focusing on them. As long as you focus on them they are still hurting you.

The problem is, the relationship really felt like 'love of my life' level. From both sides. I appreciate that sounds mad given what this person has put me through

I don't know. In my ex's case he would go for the most nasty comment he could that would hurt you. And once he'd finished being grumpy would forget he's ever said I was fat, disgusting, no one would ever look twice at me, a shit mum etc. And even would try it on a few days later.

I don't know if he meant it or not. I don't think it matters. He's said it, repeatedly, and that to me shows how little respect he has for you in that case. Good for you for ending it too. It took me far far too long.

I had all the classics

Whore
Cunt
Slag
Slut
Tramp

Well then, why exactly are you in a relationship with me??
Mental.

From ‚love of my life‘ level to utterly vile insults - that could be Borderline Personality disorder. Sure looks like it.It would mean the problems stem from attachment issues in his early childhood. Once you have gone from being idealized to being vilified, there‘s no going back, they say.

Yes, that had crossed my mind.

Idealised to vilified is exactly it.
Swung from feeling adored to despised

SUCH a head fuck.

I posted this same post years ago about my stbxh.

The answer is definitely no. I promise you I tried everything.

It's so incredibly hard to let go.

Read Pat Cravens Living with the Dominator. It will make you are he doesn't have a temper. He is on purpose making you feel like shit. It's a horrible read but it was as though shed sat on my shoulder for 2 years. It's already gone. Your relationship. The one you thought you had. Not letting go doesnt mean you still have your relationship. It means your holding back your future chance of happiness.

Possibly if he never drinks again, alcohol has a lot to answer for. Not worth staying to find out.

How do you let go though? I am terrified that I'll never find that intensity of love again. I don't think anyone will ever want me as much as him.

No

Calling you whore, slag, slut etc; sounds like he doesn't like or respect women in general. Yeah he wanted you. As a verbal punching bag. Focus on your future and firmly leave this man where he belongs - in your past.

So the general consensus is that there's something deeper going on than stress/anger problems that can be addressed?
Is it ingrained?

Which is worse? He does think those things, or he uses them because he wants to really really hurt you???

The intensity is because you on a roller coaster. The extreme lows make the highs feel much higher. And abusers are very good at mirroring and manipulation. You love something, they pretend to love it too. Etc. The soul mate feeling is because they are faking a reflection of you back. It's not the real them, but a construct they're created just for you. Like an actor in an intensely romantic film. How can that not seem perfect? But they can switch it on and off. At the beginning it's fully on, then slowly ththey itch until it's all off and you are left desperately trying to change so they switch back on again.

He didn't want you as a person, as yourself. He wanted an emotional punch bag. He PRETENDED to want you until he had trained you to be what he really wanted. A quivering, subservient mess who walks on eggshells. Is that what you think intensive love is? Bet you don't!!

It's ingrained! Does he call woman at work slags and bitches? Does he abuse his manager, people in the street etc? Nope! Because he can control it. He choose to abuse just you! A conscious choice!

Even if it could be addressed he'd need to want to and he doesn't. And any decent man would be getting professional help the first time anything that foul came out of his month!!

Weirdly it didn't really feel like walking on egg shells. I'm no angel when it comes to being argumentative, but it was just the rate at which things arrived at extreme vitriol. The arguments would end up being nothing to do with how it started and before I know it, I'm being shamed for past 'indiscretions' that never even happened.
And I'd be thinking, how did we get here from disagreeing over something on the TV?

And yes, looking at it like that, he either means these things or just wants to hurt me.
What a mess.

Well, OP if it is Borderline PD, the intensity was part of the disorder, so you better not find that again. I have heard from Borderliner exes that this memory made it especially hard to detach. You may want to read through some resources for borderliner exes (they are out there) to see, if what they describes fits your experience and helps you make sense and work through it.

In my experience, no. It’s there bubbling under the surface all the time. I have learnt people who do this are usually deeply unhappy in Themselves.

Egg shells and that feeling is horrible. My ex was actually worse sober, he was quite nice when he drank.

Do your self a and keep it ended. I was with one of these.
Started off as little digs here and there disguised as 'jokes'. When I started to pull him up on it I was told I was too sensitive or didn't have a sense of humour.
Led to snide remarks about my weight, looks, clothes opinions. When I tried to discuss it I was told I had mis understood him, I had got it wrong.
In turn he soon become verbally abusive, mainly when drunk, which was often. When I questioned him about it. Told him to stop I was just screamed at. He used to say the most vile things. Using stuff I had told him, stuff you should be able to tell your partner without it being used as a weapon. He was truley horrid. But by then his gaslighting had started to take hold and I questioned my judgement.
Within months he was just horrible more often than not. But of course it was my fault. The only time he was nice was when he was actually trying to convince me I he could change, he was sorry, he wouldn't do it again. He always did though. Look up the cycle of abuse. I'm sure you'll recognise the pattern.
Once I started to open up to friends about it and see his nice side for what it was...manipulation...... well then he tried to convince me I was going mad and that my 'mood swings' were causing him to treat me this way.
I tried every reaction thinking I could manage his behaviour, minimise it, stop it from happening. I couldn't.
Eventually I realised I didn't recognise myself anymore. Once I accepted his behaviour for what it was, abuse I eventually found the strength to end it. Once he realised his tools of control, verbal and mental abuse were no.longer working he turned physical. Stalked me, threatened me, intimidated me and finally locked me in my house, beat me and threatened to kill me. I seascapes, stood up and took him to court. I won. Everyone believed me not him, like he said they would.
The effects are long lasting. Don't waste your time get out and stay out. It's not your job to fix or forgive him. You're worth so much more than that.

OP. You weren't walking on eggshells YET. He hadn't finishing training you YET. Consider yourself lucky and blessed you hadn't gotten to that stage YET!