Can people who verbally abuse change?

[RadHairDay]

I probably know the answer to this, but can someone who has anger issues that manifests in horrible vicious insults, can they really change?
Do they actually mean the horrendous things they say? Deep down?
A lot of horrible things said with alcohol involved, but it wasn't always

I think he knows what he's done and how bad it is. That's why it's so hard to let go

Don't come on here very often but this post resonated. I'm ashamed to admit that after 20 odd years of hoping (and many temporary periods of peace) I can confirm leopards don't change their spots. Over Christmas I should have changed my name to Heinz as I was called so many variations of cnut and other vile comments by my DH when he was out of his mind on drink. I don't want to hijack your thread but I've realised I've almost normalised his behaviour - have an appointment with solicitor next week to get my ducks in a row. We are worth so much more than this. x

I liken that sort of behaviour to any other kind of behaviour, it's a habit. Using certain words, responding certain ways, thinking certain things.

It's possible that he meant the things he said, but it's most likely that he simply knew the words that would upset you the most.

For example, I don't use the F word (or the C word for that matter). I just don't. I've probably the F word less than a handful of times in my entire life, the C word, probably never. So many people do though and they say it without thinking.

It doesn't really matter whether he means them though or just said them to hurt you, because the result is the same. Anger issues take time to resolve but not hurting the person you're supposed to love is (or should be) pretty easy!

DH went through what I can only describe as some sort of meltdown during our second year together. Everyone told me I should leave and he would never change and I did. However I couldn't let go of the idea that he might be able to change and that I would never know if I simply gave up on him.

We lived apart for a year, maintaining the relationship and taking things slow, and he got some help. Happy to say we've now been together 20 years, married for 16.

I know this isn't everyone's story, and that a large number of men are simply unable or unwilling to change. Every case is different I suppose. I'm just very lucky that DH was willing to do what he needed to do, and that I didn't give up on him.

Entitlement and misogyny probably.
And no, they don't change.

Nope. RUN.

It's all so sad. We could have had a lovely life together. He had so many other wonderful qualities. But they're irrelevant aren't they, if someone makes you feel unsafe and beaten down in those moments. I was so in love with him. Still am. Fucking hell.

I would never use words like that or tolerate them being used at me.

He won't change. That is deep seated disrespect and suggests a level of anger that sounds toxic, and possibly will lead to physical violence at some stage.

No going back from that, you need to leave.

Yeah I've left. Several weeks ago, but still hurting.
It did escalate into physical in the end. Which is why I left.
Just don't want to believe that's who he really is.

My ex said he used to say the things he did as he knew it would hurt me. It only got worse in my case. He moved on to saying vile things about my family, job, appearance, body. He didn't change and I walked on egg shells. Even in the times where he was being 'nice', I couldn't get the things he said out of my head.

‘I think he knows what he's done and how bad it is. That's why it's so hard to let go’

He knew exactly what he was doing WHILE he was doing it. He wanted to hurt you, to make you feel like shit.

He just thought you stay and put up with it and now he’s shitting it that he won’t have an emotional punchbag anymore.

These men are ABUSIVE. They do not change. I’m so glad you won’t have to deal with him for the rest of your life. I wish you strength, it can take a long time to heal.

Apologies for hopping on but can I ask a question. What if in 18 years your husband has had 2 occasions where when drunk hasn't called you names or anything but just become really argumentative and such an arsehole. I feel like I was a verbal punchbag for him as things were incredibly stressful for us. I told him that should it happen again I'd leave.. He didn't swear or call me names but just so nasty and acting like a prick. It's not happeneed since, at least 8 months now and I'm not worried it will but just wondered if I'm being too forgiving

I don't think they mean it. When angry they want to hurt the other person as much as possible.

Sorry @walkalongjosie, I'm not the best person to answer that.
My boundaries are clearly fucked as I stayed for longer than I should have. And still pining.

If he's made you feel like shit and you'd prefer it if your friends and family didn't find out what he's said/done - it's crappy and not healthy.

Hope things get better for Rad