Sister trouble (wedding related)

[sisterinsanity]

Posting in relationships to hopefully avoid being mauled on AIBU!

Just wanted to get some outside opinions on this. It's my sister's wedding in the summer and instead of a hen do, she's having a family day out, which is nice. What's bothering me is that she is inviting my ex along, saying that he's family and 'became family the minute I had my son'. I get on well with my ex so that's not really much of an issue except that I actually I have a new partner of a year who she hasn't invited.

I've said that my ex doesn't particularly expect an invite to the 'hen' do and that I'm not really happy with him being invited and not my partner, she just said 'he is part of the family'. AIBU to think this is quite weird? I don't expect her to necessarily invite my partner to the hen thing but inviting my ex and excluding him?
She also sent my ex a Christmas card and gave me one separately but not to my partner.

For context, she and I have a somewhat fractious relationship, she's really lovely at times but often not very friendly or pleasant. She's asked me to be her maid of honour, which I've agreed to do but she has a really funny attitude and is quite rude when it comes to making arrangements etc. It's pissing me off.

Partner was not included on wedding invite either, and getting her to reply when I questioned that was like pulling teeth. She eventually said that both my ex and me can bring a plus one. Which is fine really but it's just the way she says things. I don't mind my ex being invited, he is a nice guy and if she's fond of him that's fair enough and it won't be awkward for anyone him being there. But the whole thing still seems a bit odd.

I know she's not that keen on my partner as she said she feels he puts on an act and is too huggy. I think this was just nerves though (he tends to get extra loud and chatty) and I told him about the hugging thing, he wasn't aware she dislikes this and doesn't hug her in greeting anymore. He's very even keeled and just lovely all round really so he hasn't teeth offence and has continued to make an effort e.g. at Christmas. Obviously she doesn't have to like him but he's done nothing wrong and it feels like she's being deliberately unfriendly and also quite disrespectful to me.

Anyway thanks for reading . What do you make of this?

Which to be fair, doesn't really take much organising!

Did you tell her you were stepping down from being MoH?

She’s crazy.... whatever you do she will be crazy . What do the other members of your family think?

That sounds a hideously boring hen do

Hi sisterinsanity,

Thank you for responding to me. Your sister just seems very unorganised. If it was me I would be PANICKING that I did not have a dress yet with the wedding so close and she would rather spend her time upsetting you. However, as she has specified what she wants to do that day then tell her to book it all as you don't want to get it wrong and she can handle it.

Please put your foot down with her. It sounds like your actually saving your partner by having him not attend this hen day. If you want to play nice then give her everything she wants and then after the wedding, just distance yourself from her. Just make sure that on the wedding day you and your partner have fun, dance, laugh and do not show her that she has bothered you.

I've never had a wedding (although I have organised hens). Is There any point someone else organising the hen if you know exactly what you are doing and want it all your way anyway ? It would cause her less anxiety to sort it herself.

7 months away and she hasn't got a free sounds fine, to a PP. How far ahead do people normally sort dresses out? I am hopelessly naive.

If this continues I would just suggest she sorts it herself because she would be less anxious with more control. At least if she's gonna be a bit of an arse don't make it your job to enforce the arsity on yourself

She has no friends because she's a bitch. Not because she doesn't like women.

And who invites a person's ex to a hen do? And not the person's partner?

She has an issue with you and every woman. I would stop bending to her will and just piss her off to be honest. She needs to learn everything isn't about her.

Sorry but she sounds hideous and a total bitch, and clearly has some deep seated problem with you. You sound lovely.

I personally would tell her to RAM her Maid of Honour role and Wedding invite up her spiteful arse?! ...but that’s just me.

Yeah, me too!

If it were my sister, I’d tell her how thrilled I was to be her maid of honour. I’d be ever so excited about planning the afternoon tea and the aquarium; I’d share all the plans with her and wish her a fantastic time...however I’d be staying home with DP as it would be too upsetting to attend with EX instead. Then I’d give her a big hug and tell her that both DP and I were super excited for the wedding though!!

I think I've decided to just make excuses between now and the wedding, and be nice but make (very) minimal effort and ignore any further baiting. I may also have an unfortunate case of d & v for the hen do, so she won't have a story about her awful sister refusing to do what any loving family member would do etc etc.

Reading all these replies has been quite reassuring! My family know what she's like but I think nobody wants to rock the boat because we'll never hear the end of it, and because she's just not a happy person and nobody wants to be accused of pissing over her special day. So it's actually a relief to see people saying that no, this is not normal.

I'm so tired of her weird, resentful behaviour and feeling like I'm not bending over far enough backwards for her liking. I do love her but she's such bloody hard work and is always the victim. I think it's time to stop banging my head against a brick wall as far as having much of a normal sibling relationship. A PP was right that she basically doesn't seem to like me much. I'd love to see her get some help because she has more issues than I'd have time to enumerate on here but I'd also really like it if she removed her head from her arse occasionally and was actually genuinely, non-begrudgingly NICE to me. I'm almost at the point where I think she's so set on being rigid and unpleasant that she must actually be wanting a big bust-up (subconsciously maybe). I'm not walking into that trap, I hate drama and bad feeling so I'm just going to play dumb, be a bit crap and let her get on with it.

That felt good to write

Sorry if this is stepping on toes but she sounds like she has some form of autism. The control for situations the tunnel vision

Even things like the invites - she sorted them (tick) and your sided another issue - in her mind it was all done and dusted.
The hen is typically organised by the BM - which she is allowing under her control.
The parties where she isn’t the main focus - they find these uncontrollable and can’t cope. It wanting the unexpected. All walking in egg shells because of potential wrath of anger -

Look it up

oh ffs

can’t she just be an entitled brat ?!

I must admit, some form of autism or personality disorder did cross my mind - no friends, not interacting with people at events, the need for control - a lot of it seems beyond what you would expect as unremarkable behaviour. Was she always like this, or just since she met her fiancé?

And I don’t want to start armchair diagnoses, but sometimes there are things going on in other people’s lives and heads that we’re not aware of, so it makes sense to be kind where you can, focus on what’s important, and pick your battles.

You sound sane and calm. She sounds angry and unwell.

She’s jealous and resentful and I bet it goes really deep and she will need to work it out with a therapist.

The best you can do is every so often talk to outsiders about her behaviour so that you can check in to reality and know that she is wrong. The stuff with the birthday is awful. The spiting of your partner etc. Just know that you are fine and she is weird.

Could be autism. Or she could just be a bitch. Considering she has no friends, I'm going with bitch.

What does it really mean, calling someone a bitch though? Isn't there usually something undiagnosed there? I can't speak to whether she has autism or not. I've never thought that before but it's possible I guess. She seems to fit a lot of BPD criteria too but I can't say with any certainty. She does need more in-depth help really but that's up to her. I'm just trying to maintain my own sense of reality and not get upset. I have distanced myself in the past and that helps but I'm a bit of a soft touch whenever she's nice . But then the cycle starts again. She's still my sister though, and I feel she does need me to be there for her on some level.

If it's relevant, I don't think she would see herself as consciously being manipulative, she does have a history of lying but it's more like she believes her own version of reality (which can change quite a bit too).

I think you’re doing the right thing from your updates.

I think you’ll never make her happy whatever you do so I recommend doing what makes you happiest so that at least it works for one of you!

Even if you want to help your sister become “better” or be to be happy and safe, she doesn’t need that help now. She might in the future but right now she can get married without much of your input. Disengage from this game, whatever the reason behind it. That’s the best thing you can do for her.

If you have a good relationship with your ex, I would speak to him about the situation at the hen tea. The issue is her referencing him as close family to her which is potentially confusing for your DS. I think you should both be in agreement as parents about how you deal with this. Then jointly make this clear to her in a positive but assertive way. A shared text saying you both appreciate the offer but have decided that you both want DS to understand that ex and you are no longer together. Thank her for asking the offer and say that ex will attend the wedding as her friend.

But otherwise it doesn’t sound like it is the end of the world to turn up for a tea and then leave

It sounds like you cant win with her so you may as well stop trying. She sounds a bit like a narcissist to me.

She wants to be in charge and sees herself as a victim at the same time.

Obviously she must be a victim because you are a villain. Therefore, she needs to control what happens before you do anything nasty, like not letting your ex come. She's the nice one, you see, by including him.

Her and the fiance sitting outside at your party, it's them against the world, poor things. They had to come for the sake of the nephew but you, her nasty sister, they had to avoid you. Etc.

What is her fiance like, btw? Sane at all? Or do you think he's feeding her victimhood?

...afraid of rocking the boat. You know that boat is going to rock and roll just because you breathe, don’t you?

She has tipped her hand prematurely: You have ruined her wedding. A stick to beat you with forever. This will go down in history and will never be forgiven or resolved no matter what you do or don’t do. Lovely sibling rivalry (her problem not yours) but she sounds greedy to have this in her arsenal against you.

Get out of the boat now. Drop the rope. Her wedding must be perfect so tell her to hire a wedding planner because it is beyond your scope...or you hire one, your treat...or if everyone knows what she is like, pass the hat (beg them to save you from her
arsity.)
Dirtybadger great word!

You could preempt her narrative and start it yourself. Say you know this is going to go wrong and you just don’t know what to do and be a complete basket case about everything. For example: the dress choice-don’t dare give an opinion because if she picks a dresss and then later dislikes it- you will be blamed for encouraging that choice. Be public with it.

On the one hand it is tempting to tell her to shove it. She may even be expecting this (thus the baiting about your ex invite/dp non-invite).
However...
If you martyr yourself at her alter, it won’t be without reward: you ruining her wedding is a great demarcation point to dump her. She will be her husband’s problem then.

She has many issues and a lot seem to be directed at you. As the family know what she’s like and she lacks friends I can see you maybe like this with others but you are so forgiving and always there for her which she knows and takes for granted.
I would have major issues if ex was invited to hen and not current partner that’s insane. Glad you don’t mind him going and your amicable still with him which is so nice to hear. But imagine if it was messy and you didn’t get on it sounds like should would have still invited him.
You’ve been with OH for a year and by the wedding nearly 2 so he is very much part of your life and the family. She’s manipulative and like she to rule and put you in your place it’s really weird and you shouldn’t stand for it. It’s her day yes but it doesn’t mean she can be an insane moo bag. What she is doing is snubbing your OH and it’s insulting. Like you said your not asking OH to be invited to hen but possibly not having the ex there. And they will bothe be at the wedding anyway.
She’s being very strange and may have a personality disorder. As that’s not dissing the condition or her. I kind of hope she has as the only other explanation is that’s she a horrible person that wants to cause pain and her on her closest family member that loves her so much.

its strange that her undiagnosed autism is only directed at you OP