Sister trouble (wedding related)

[sisterinsanity]

Posting in relationships to hopefully avoid being mauled on AIBU!

Just wanted to get some outside opinions on this. It's my sister's wedding in the summer and instead of a hen do, she's having a family day out, which is nice. What's bothering me is that she is inviting my ex along, saying that he's family and 'became family the minute I had my son'. I get on well with my ex so that's not really much of an issue except that I actually I have a new partner of a year who she hasn't invited.

I've said that my ex doesn't particularly expect an invite to the 'hen' do and that I'm not really happy with him being invited and not my partner, she just said 'he is part of the family'. AIBU to think this is quite weird? I don't expect her to necessarily invite my partner to the hen thing but inviting my ex and excluding him?
She also sent my ex a Christmas card and gave me one separately but not to my partner.

For context, she and I have a somewhat fractious relationship, she's really lovely at times but often not very friendly or pleasant. She's asked me to be her maid of honour, which I've agreed to do but she has a really funny attitude and is quite rude when it comes to making arrangements etc. It's pissing me off.

Partner was not included on wedding invite either, and getting her to reply when I questioned that was like pulling teeth. She eventually said that both my ex and me can bring a plus one. Which is fine really but it's just the way she says things. I don't mind my ex being invited, he is a nice guy and if she's fond of him that's fair enough and it won't be awkward for anyone him being there. But the whole thing still seems a bit odd.

I know she's not that keen on my partner as she said she feels he puts on an act and is too huggy. I think this was just nerves though (he tends to get extra loud and chatty) and I told him about the hugging thing, he wasn't aware she dislikes this and doesn't hug her in greeting anymore. He's very even keeled and just lovely all round really so he hasn't teeth offence and has continued to make an effort e.g. at Christmas. Obviously she doesn't have to like him but he's done nothing wrong and it feels like she's being deliberately unfriendly and also quite disrespectful to me.

Anyway thanks for reading . What do you make of this?

She's using her wedding- an event where most of the family will say she should be able to do what she wants and you feel an obligation to do things her way - as an opportunity to be mean to you and "win" over you.

If you are right that she's only really invited you to be maid of honour because she's got no female friends, she's probably having this family fun day because she realises she's got no one to invite to a hen do who'd come along, not because family is important to her - she just wants the centre of attention event.

It's nasty that she's trying to put you down like this, dismissing your current relationship.

Don't be involved and don't play along. Be busy.

I would honestly tell her you won't be going if she insists on inviting your ex along. Why on earth is he going to the wedding? It sounds like she is deliberately trying to upset you

Pull out of being MOH and to be honest I would say to her that if she is insisting your ex comes it's probably best if you don't go to the wedding.

OrdinarySnowflake yes that's true about the hen do. A family day is nice, but she doesn't really 'do' female friendship. She thinks girls are too bitchy and fake .

I don't think she especially thinks I should still be with my ex, she knows why we split and that neither of us was happy.

Just to clarify, I don't mind my ex going to the wedding. I don't think she needed to invite him but it's not that weird in the context of our young DS being there (he'll be on hand while I'm busy maid of honouring) and we're still friends. He gets on fine with my partner too.

It sounds like she is deliberately trying to upset you

This-it actually sounds like she is going out of way to make it as unpleasant as possible for you. What sort of person does that?

Will you now get a phone call from your mum telling you not to upset your sister??

Have you spoken to your ex? Do you think he will go?

I've spoken to him and said it's up to him but I'd prefer he decline because it isn't a nice thing to do to my partner (not him but my sister). That's the hen bit btw, he is attending the wedding I believe although he's not keen on socialising. And of course I've been graciously allowed my plus one for the day too . Not that the invite said that.

She'll not be happy if he doesn't go to the day out. The drawback to not organising it for her is that she'll chase him to attend.

I think you need to pull her up sharp on it. Tell her shes causing upset and hurt with the way she's treating you and your boyfriend. Tell her you don't know if it's accidental or on purpose, but it is going to cause a fall out if she carries on like this. Tell her she's quite entitled to do what she wants for her hen do and invite who she wants, but if she's being thoughtless or rude she will upset people and make the whole wedding stressful. Tell her you're trying to say this as early and quietly as possible. You don't want to fall out, but she needs to know. Tell her getting married is not an excuse to walk over people and treat them badly. (And if your family lets her carry on like this and treat you badly, then they're as bad as her and just as responsible for any fall outs).

Pull out of the maid of honour before your ex declines the invite or you'll loose your reason.

I think I'm slowly losing my reason anyway

If she has been jealous of you in the past, then even if she's not concious of doing it, that she's using her wedding to prove she can 'win' and you are a 'failure' as your real relationship (the one when you had a DC with someone) didn't work out.

She can't invite your current DP, as that would suggest you aren't a failure at the relationship thing. She can't accept that you might just be happy, because your role is to be the sister who didn't find lasting true love, not like her, the success.

She might not even be aware of what she is doing, but it's nasty - and this nastiness and desire to 'win', is probably why she has no female friends.

Don't organsie the day for her, don't go, and make it clear DS wont be going either.

The wedding is a different matter, but even then I'd be going for the bare minimum. It's nasty and unkind, and just because it's her special day, doesn't mean you ahve to put up with it.

OrdinarySnowflake I think you're right in a way, maybe her nose has been put out of joint because I've met someone? I always feel like I have to be really careful I don't appear to be competing with her. She doesn't come out and say so but she gets weird about things like (v silly example) I got a bit into Pokémon go with my son over the summer, turns out she and her partner play it and she asked me in quite a disgruntled way how I was going through the levels so fast and said I must be spending money on it.

She's funny about money too, I invited her to something for my son's birthday (like a national trust place but not) and she said they would just come and have a picnic outside in the carpark with us, because they'd made a commitment not to spend money on things they couldn't afford. Very laudable etc but as I was inviting I was happy to pay and said so, and said DS would be really happy if they did come. She wouldn't let me pay for some reason so they paid for themselves and didn't get DS a present. Turned up late looking pretty cheesed off. The present didn't matter in a way but she had specifically taken him to choose something in the toy shop and he was rather crestfallen when it didn't appear. I know money can be a sensitive thing and they're saving for the wedding but it was a bit curmudgeonly and I had no issue with paying everyone's entry. It wasn't an expensive place or anything and we took a picnic so it's not like I was spreading largesse in a wanky way or anything. I'm not particularly flush with cash and it was a pretty low-key thing.

On another occasion recently she said we should all have a day together at one of those farms where you can feed the animals and the children go in the play area. So we all schlepped over and she and her partner went round it by themselves, all we could see was their backs in the distance . Then back to my parents' place to continue the family fun, she and partner took a table outside and sat playing cards with each other ignoring everyone including DS. It was really noticeable because he was excited they were there and hoping to play with then. Yet she professes to absolutely adore him!

How long has she known your partner and how many times has she met him? Does she maybe think it's not going to last or isn't serious as it's early days and presumably not living together etc etc. Does she realise it's serious?

I can understand inviting ex. But can't understand not inviting your new partner. Even if she thinks of him as a boyfriend. Are the kids going? I'm assuming your new DP has met your DC? If she knows ex and DP get on then it's just a bit weird. Especially after she has had it pointed out to her

The thing is I'm happy for her to 'win', I want her to be more confident and feel really special with the wedding. She's fragile and I want this to boost her. If anything wedding-related doesn't go the way she's envisaged it, I think she will really find it very hard to cope with.

She sounds like very hard work and you sound very accommodating.

Sisterinsanity, I see how hard you are trying but you can’t take your sisters well being as your responsibility. She sounds tricky/grumpy and moody. This may mean she is mentally fragile but that is not your fault. Letting you down is one thing, but continuously letting down a child is not ok. Please protect your DS from this.

Also think you should play less of a role in hen do and wedding in general.

She's fragile and I want this to boost her

Er, according to who? I'm not seeing any fragility in her behaviour, I'm seeing massive and weird point scoring, to the point where she'll deliberately let her nephew down because you offered to pay an entry fee for her.

You can't make her happy, you can't win, she'll always put you on the wrong foot. She likes you there.

Yes, the birthday thing was quite weird and I was upset at the time because DS was so looking forward to it. I think part of the problem there was that she let him choose and he went for quite a big Lego set (about £60). I wasn't there or I would have steered him to something a bit smaller. So she said it could be a joint birthday and Christmas gift, but at the time he thought he was opening it on his birthday and was very excited. Anyway he did get it at Christmas which was nice I guess. On his birthday we just said the shop had run out of them and he was disappointed but pretty good about it, bless him. I think it was unkind and unnecessary of her but DS was ok. She really wasn't a ray of sunshine that day either, but he's oblivious to that too and she's always nice to him apart from the times I mentioned.

How long has she known your partner and how many times has she met him? Does she maybe think it's not going to last or isn't serious as it's early days and presumably not living together etc etc. Does she realise it's serious?

Yes, I think this is what she is implying certainly. When I got the invitation it was just to me and DS. I texted her and said "Is [partner] not invited?" and got no reply. I texted again and asked if there was a plus one, again no response at all. My mum said that DSis had told her that I could have a plus one, she just hadn't put it on the invitation. (Sorry, this is all getting rather long and involved). But then why totally ignore two messages about it? She only responded today when she asked if I was still ok to organise the 'hen', when can I go dress shopping etc so I thought it was a good time to get her to confirm by tagging it on to the end of a message arranging the dress shopping. And I noticed she didn't use his name, so whereas I asked "Is [partner] invited to wedding?" she responded with "And yes you have a plus one to the wedding. So does [exP]. Maybe I'm overthinking it but that didn't exactly overflow with friendliness, especially as my partner was with us as a family over Christmas and it went well I thought.

She’s not fragile hahahaaaa she’s a cold hard manipulative calculating wee bitch that is playing mind games with your family dynamics.

I personally would tell her to RAM her Maid of Honour role and Wedding invite up her spiteful arse?!

but that’s just me

I agree with others that her behaviour seems more like trying to point score/show you up!

Personally I would rsvp making sure that you write your DPs name on it for the wedding then there is no dispute down the line.

In relation to the family day out by the sounds of it your ex doesn't want to go anyway. I would say yes it's your day but my DP is part of my family as well, I would appreciate it if you could make him feel welcome and leave it at that. Ball is in her court to be an adult or if not it will really show that she is fully aware of what she is doing.

Blimey. She’s really hard work and strange. Just so you know, I’ve got a friend with a sister like this. There is no way to win. At all. None. She’s tried every which way for almost 5 decades. She’s using the wedding to provoke you. It’s her Ace card. She automatically wins (hence all the capital MYs). She wants you to challenge and not be happy with something/anything. It’s super passive aggressive. She wants to be able to lash out at you but because it’s HER wedding you’ll be the one to blame and she’ll be able to moan about you to everybody. This goes deeper. She’s jealous and furious (with you). The only way to have a chance of getting through this is to be a grey rock. No emotional conversations or challenges. Just “ok” and “sure” answers to everything. Total blank. Just let her do whatever she wants with the Ex. Don’t be baited.

Hi Sisterinsanity,

I recently got married and I had a lot of drama with bridesmaids etc when trying to encourage him to help make my special day. Sometimes when your getting married, you get caught up in it all as a bride and it does sound as if your sister is using her wedding to cause problems for you.

She comes across as an unconventional bride for not wanting a hen night but instead a family day. Theres family (immediate family) and then theres extended family (which would involve aunts, cousins etc). Your ex falls into distant family as far as I am concerned because he is your Childs father, not hers.

You have a couple of options here. Tell her you will organise the event butt your partner is getting invited as you are going to be inviting everyone anyway. Tell her that he is your family and if she doesn't like that then you are not organising it and you are not going to attend. I would even drop of out of being maid of honour if she doesn't comply.

Or you could organise the most girly event and when you send out the invites for it (surprise for her off course), your ex is going to be like what I am not going to this and most likely only women will show up haha. Like organise beauty treatments, spa day, make sure he won't want to come. I would even speak to your ex and just ask him to not go as you feel awkward and I am sure he will understand.

But in all honesty, your sister does not sound like a sister to me and she is using her wedding to upset everyone in her life and thats not cool. When is your wedding, you will not include her because of her actions most likely and I would just put your foot down or back out.

Sorry I just read another repel you posted and I need to comment:

When is this wedding exactly? A you mentioned dress shopping and that s something you normally do 9-12 months before the wedding. If this event is not for ages away and the wedding as well I would just blank her for the moment, she seems crazy. Theres so much to organise for a wedding and get stressed about, sounds like she has not go to the really stressful stuff yet and she has to make things up to annoy herself with.

Hi @deadliftgirl thanks for the replies. The wedding is in the July actually, we've been dress shopping a couple of times but not managed to find anything quite right.

I can't really organise anything super girly for the hen, she's specifically requested afternoon tea and a visit to an aquarium. And it's to include my dad, DS etc.