Somebody talk me down

[Itsnogothemerrygoround]

My (d)h recently ended an emotional affair. He swears they didn't sleep together. I think I believe him. But it's driving me mad not being sure. I have the ow's number and I am so close to texting her and asking her the extent of their relationship. Rationally, I know this would be a stupid thing to do. She will probably say no, they didn't sleep together, and I will be no further forward.So I will have opened the can of worms again for nothing. Tell me it would be a monumentally stupid thing to do.

Will you believe her if she says it wasn’t physical? Or would you still wonder..?

It would be monumentally stupid. She won't tell the truth anyway or you won't know if she is.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

OP, I think it would be more constructive to go to counselling with your H. Have you organised some?

The first thing she'd do is contact him.

Well, the consensus is that it would be monumentally stupid, which I guess I already knew. The suggestion of counselling is probably a good one, but I don't if I want to go down that route. I think I was so tempted to contact the woman, because I feel I have let my husband off the hook too easily, as I just wanted things to get back to normal. I suppose I'll have to do the adult thing and talk to him.

If it were me in her position, I'd probably lie even if it was physical (unless I thought that by telling the truth it would end your relationship and he would go to her, if that's what she wants).

When I found evidence of my ex husband's affair, there was nothing concrete to suggest it was physical but I'm also not naive enough to believe it wasn't so I didn't even ask. I personally think that most people willing to have an EA would also take it that step further.

I’m going to totally embarrass myself here but hope this helps you.
I contacted the ow and she accused me of being a jealous bitch, told a mutual friend and blocked me.
It made me feel like absolute crap and I regretted it instantly, like I’d offered myself up on a plate for them to all have a good laugh at me and my desperate attempts to find out the truth.
I literally ticked off everything not to do when you discover an ea!!

Sorry to hear that Rainbowlou. Are you still with your husband?

We are together yes, but hanging on by a thread.
I can’t get my head around the fact I’ll never know the full truth and if I hadn’t found out I’ll bever know how far it would have gone.
It’s complicated and not that easy to up and leave right now.
Feel free to pm if you want to x

That's exactly I feel. I think if I hadn't confronted him when I did, they would have slept together (if they hadn't already). Some days I feel fine and others absolutely raging when I think all the lies he told and how he was emotionally absent from our marriage for at least a year.

I could have written your last post word for word x

Well, I did the monumentally stupid thing. No reply yet.

I texted the OW. She never replied. Never quite understood it until I caught her in person.
She was just shit scared of me

I think you did the right thing op. What is there to loose? Worse off you'll know no better, and still be in the position you find yourself in, best off she'll be truthful and let you know the extent to make better decisions. Why give 2 shits what she thinks of you? She's irrelevant now, since he's ended it with her.

A year? You know he will have slept with her, don’t you, OP?

If it went on for a year, he's slept with her, I think.

There are three sides of a story you've need both to work out the truth. I did it and what I hurt was very different to what he told me. Some women with be real honest other will make out it's worse because they've been hurt and other will say nothing because they don't want to upset the guy.
What ever you hear you can make up your own mind, but be ready for him to say she's lying even though he caused this.

I’m sorry but I also agree with PPs. Even if they both deny it, after a year I expect it has become physical too.

Hope you’re ok
Not stupid, once you have that thought in your head to message her, you’d probably regret not doing it and always wonder what if?

On the evening I found out about my ex's affair (which started as an EA) I called the OW and don't regret it at all. She was a very condescending smart arse saying she wasn't interested in a relationship with him as he was just a friend and wasn't "currently single". I then sent her one text after I left the house that night (never to return) and it just said "Good luck, you will find out what he is like in the future". I didn't get a response and didn't expect to. I can guarantee that one day she will look back to that text and understand what I meant.

You’re allowed to leave even if it hasn’t become physical, if that’s what you want to do.

Well, so they did sleep together. What a lying piece of shit my husband is. I'm feeling surprisingly calm at the moment. I'm going to get 'all my ducks in a row' as is aways recommended on MN, and then hang him out to dry.

Sorry to hear that OP

Sorry to hear that, although I thought that would be the case

I just saw the 'year' bit and thought - no way did they NOT sleep together.
Well, you've had your suspicions confirmed now.
Don't believe a word he says.
You are doing the right thing.
Keeps your cards close to your chest for now.
Then you can go for it.