Is this an innocent friendship she has with DH?

[greenpearl]

We were getting ready to go to dh,s office party and he told me 5 mins before we left the house that a new girl had started working in their office a few weeks earlier and the other girls werent being nice to her.

He said that he had felt sorry for her being new, that she was nice and had gone out to lunch with her a few times.

He was only telling me this,he said, because some of the other female staff thought he was having an affair with her. He assured me that this was untrue.
I was a bit confused by it all at the time and said nothing much.
However,as the night progressed, she clearly fancied him and his female staff were telling me to watch out?!

Opinions please?

Everlovelychubby, I havent got round to doing a profile for my new name as I plan to go back to my old famous name soon.

I had a m/c a few months back and didnt come on mumsnet for a while after. Not back to my oldself just yet and would prefer to moan under this one, but when I am, will pull out the jolly old name again. Thank you for your support.

gp, I am now confused. Is this new girl new then, or was she new a few years ago? I'm not being sarcastic. It would help me (and others) to get it straight if you could put things in chronological order with indication of time.(is he her boss or team member, what's the working relationship? Or equal peers?)

As the facts are to me totally unclear I'll just say the following.

He is being very freindly with a female colleague. She is being very /over friendly and flirty with him. Other people who work with them have warned you about them. He has kept secrets from you. OK, this doesn't prove he's having an affair, but he is being too intimate with her, and it could very easily lead to an affair. So I would talk with him, explain it is over stepping the mark, which deep down he clearly knows, and he needs to really keep her at professional but civil arms length.

My dh did have an affair with a work colleague, and I hate the thought of all the others suspecting/gossiping about it. Mind you, I never was invited to a wroks do......

Tell him it has to stop. His current relationship with her is already inappropriate.

btw I wouldn't hold too much sway by just asking him. I thought I could trust my dh 100%, in fact I did. No one would believe he was "the sort" to have an affair - even his sister, even he himself! But he did. And when I asked him outright if he was having an affair he looked me in the eye and said "no". ANd I believed him. Becasue he just "wasn't the sort".

When I asked him later how he could do that (as in to be able to lie about that and not look flushed, shocked, caught out etc) he said it was becasue he had been prepared by something else I'd said, so the Q didn't come out of the blue. Your dh will now be on his guard so if he is having an affair will now be harder to spot, but even if he isn't he's over stpeed the mark

greenpearl, I don't understand the "trip, trap" comment and you saying for gods sake, you're not a "youknowwhat". I'm quite new here, please can someone explain?

How are you this morning? And how do you feel about the very varied replies last night?

Someone was suggesting she is a troll. Although seems such a silly comment to make, surely.
I hope your ok this morning GP.
L

why are the other female staff thinking your husband is having an affair, he is obviously doing something to make them all think this, a lunch with a female now and again wouldnt bring this on.

Ernest same here my (D)H was able to look me straight in the eye on more than one occasion and LIE (never thought he would thought I'd know )..
and Custardo I suspect if you were ever unfortunate to be on the other side (and I hope you never are) things are never quite as black and white as we think or expect them to be....I did as you said and een instructed lawyer to file for divorce when he begged me not to...and suddenly things are not quite as you expect I have very much stopped being so absolute in what may or may not happen and how I or anyone else might behave

i cant say whether i think your dh is having an affair but a couple of things jump out at me.

i would never dream of going up to a woman i didnt know very well and telling her to "watch out". even if i thought it, i would know it was going to cause trouble.

nor would i advise that woman to take said girl into the toilets and "smack her".

which says to me its clear these women really do not like the girl one bit, for reasons unknown. it seems to me they could be finding a lot of fun in this and i dont really think you should trust their opinion. big wooden spoon i think. never trust office gossip.

Did a lot of thinking afterwards last night. your comments were all helpful in that the helped me put things into perspective a bit more.
Thank you lisad123 and aimeesmummy for your kind words, I do feel much less emotional today.

In terms of timing, I think I explained that this happened a few years ago,I asked him directly, he said nothing was going on with the girl at the office so I left it.Other than trail him everywhere what else can you do?

The odd phone call and finding the phone number in his pocket all happened in the same 6 weeks orso after that.
At the time, I reluctantly thought it was one of those things that you have to just let go as you have no proof, just your suspicions.Dwelling on it would have sent me crazy.

But as we are not getting on well at the moment I am thinking back to those times again and wondering if he is really capable of having an affair.Did he then, is he now kind of thing.
We have had a rough time recently, m/c, family ill and so on, maybe the stress is more with me than him and I am looking too deeply for things that arent there at all.

Nothing is ever black and white, there are always shades of grey and you absolutely never know how you, or a dp, is going to act or react in ANY situation whether that's job change, birth of a child, bereavement or finding someone else attractive. I believe in listening to the "quiet voice" within; call it what you want, instinct, truth, a god; that little voice that keeps coming back at you with the same thoughts - just make sue those thoughts are rational and you've given yourself a good talking too that you're not being paranoid about anything (I SO have to do that, Im such a worrier!), and then bring the subject up as rationally as you can, explaining why you're worried.
But I don't think there is any harm in finding other people attractive, no-one becomes oblivious to the other sex or stops window-shopping just because they get partnered-up; it's just the step beyond window-shopping that's dangerous.
Have you thought about how you would feel and react if you did ever find out that he had found someone else attractive to the point of going to lunch lots with them, drinks after work etc - but then came to his senses and realised what he has at home with you and dc? I think., in a bizarre kinda way (sorry, I'm a bit odd!) that that would be massively positive - that your relationship was tested and he chose to stay with you.