I’m being taken for a fool! Advice please

[GettingDucks]

I found out on Christmas Eve that my husband is cheating on me. We’ve been together for 12 years, married almost 4. No kids but some joint finances and a mortgage.
He doesn’t know that I know, I want to get myself into the best position to leave but I don’t know where to start. I haven’t told anyone in RL because it was Christmas and we had so many things planned with friends and family and I didn’t want to ruin things for everyone but I’m sick of being taken for a mug!
Where do I start? What should I do first?
The worst part is that he’s shitting on his own doorstep, the woman he’s messing around with is very well known to our family. This is going to be such a mess...
I’ve seen messages between them proclaiming their love for one another and talking about booking hotel rooms to meet up. I don’t know how long it’s been going on but my ‘d’h is still talking to me about plans for this coming year, holidays, work on the house. Does he think he can get away with leading a double life for ever?
My head is all over the place, so sorry for the rambling. This is the first time I’ve ever posted on here and it’s hard to write what’s in my head in any sort of order at the moment.
I’m sitting outside work waiting to go in so I might not be back for a little while but I’d appreciate any advice or a little hand hold please.

Well the first thing you do is screenshot everything.

The second thing you do is go through the house like a forensic detective and take photocopies of every bill and statement you can find.

Bu actually before either, read this:
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Hand hold here OP. There will be good advice coming soon I'm sure. Just hold your head up, keep strong and realise it's about them not you, you are not at fault, don't compare yourself to her and don't dwell on what you could have done to stop it. It's all them

I'm so sorry this happened - it must have been a hell of a shock. Did some things start to make sense once you found out?

You're actually in a strong position now, because he doesn't realise you know anything.

Do you want to move out or for him to move out, or will you have to sell up?

Is the other woman married, too?

I would go speak to a solicitor and see what you can do in the interim to protect yourself financially.

Solicitor is your first step.
See who offers a free half hour consultation.
Phone a few and see a few.
Then go with the one you feel most comfortable with.
Get all info together.
Mortgage info. Asset info. Account info. Find your marriage certificate as you will need this for divorce.
Get proof if you can. Screen shots etc.....
As you have no children this should be easier.
Get legal advice and then go from there.
I'd just hit him with divorce papers asap.
Cool and calm for now.

You need copies of mortgage, house deeds, bank and savings statements, details of his pensions, any shared assets and debts. Usually your solicitor will give you a form with what this all includes. So I think finding a good solicitor is probably the starting point.

Should also add for you. This must be horrendous after twelve years. Have you someone in RL to talk to?

See a solicitor for advice before tipping your hand.

I suspect it will be a clean break, 50/50 split of all assets as it is a short marriage without children.

Think about what you want. Can you afford to buy him out of the house, or will it have to be sold?

Copy things like mortgage, pension and investment statements, anything to do with assets and debts.

You need to get a few steps ahead of the shitbag. Tell him, then tell everyone in rl so that you get the support you need.

Screenshot everything, get all your documents photocopied, financial etc. See a solicitor and see what your position is and where to start.

Hand hold here. Getting all documents in order and making sure he can't empty savings/accounts is the order of the day I think. Definitely screenshots and save them somewhere safe, and making sure you don't leave eg mumsnet logged in to a device he can access.

So sorry to hear this OP. I don't have any experience with this but would like to just pipe in quickly that if you don't want him to know that you know and you have been looking at messages online, don't forget to delete your browsing history.

If he is trying to be sneaky then he is probably going into the browsing history regularly to delete it himself, don't want him seeing that you have been looking.

Not one single word you wrote was rambling. In fact I think you’re handling this in such an amazing way.
It’s going to be tough. There will be times you want to scream at him that you know but remember this.....what will you achieve?
He’s a wanker FACT
He’s disrespected you FACT
She’s disrespected you FACT
You’ve literally been knocked sideways with a brick FACT
You don’t deserve this FACT
You are far better than this FACT
You will benefit significantly from this FACT
You are going to be ok FACT

Screenshot everything and begin squirrelling money away. Don’t put the money in your name. Is there anyone you can 100% trust who will without a doubt not share this with anyone who knows your husband?
If there is, get them to put money in a new account in their name. Start taking things from house you want that he will never miss, ie glasses, plates, blender so you are set up.
Get yourself sti checked and to avoid sex with him tell him you have a problem down there so you’d rather not until it’s resolved.
Plenty of hand holds on here so post away.
So sorry this has happened to you.
It’s NOT because you’re not good enough. It’s HIS insecurities, hence stroking his sad pathetic ego. Xxxxx

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice, it’s such a relief just to get this out of my head!
Unfortunately I didn’t screenshot what I saw - I’m kicking myself now but it was a fluke that I saw it and I just went into survival mode of getting through the last couple of weeks.
I doubt I’d get another chance to see anything, he’s super careful and has deleted things from various devices so there’s no chance of snooping now. But I can tell him word for word what I read as it’s imprinted on my brain. Would solicitors need that kind of proof?
A couple of questions from pp’s
Yes she’s married too, and has a family at home
Yes, things have started to make sense now that I know, but now I’m questioning so much in my head I don’t trust if I’m making the story up to fit if that makes sense?
I would ideally like him to move out but there’s no way that will happen. He’ll make excuses about what he’s done, try and turn it on me and gaslight the fuck out of me cos he knows I hate confrontation. I can’t afford to buy him out, nor can he afford to buy me out so we’ll eventually have to sell.
I feel like a total fool, in my mid forties, my husband behaving like a fucking tool and wrecking everything we’ve made for ourselves. I love my home, my life, our friends, him (although I fucking hate him at the moment). I can’t believe I have to start again

You don't need actual proof so your solicitor will advise on grounds for divorce.
I would initially be speaking with her DH.
He deserves to know as well.
Don't let him be the last to find out.
That's just fucking awful.

A solicitor doesn’t need proof, but it may ne helpful for you to write everything down, with dates, whilst you remember it in detail.

He can gaslight you all he likes, but when you file for divorce he’ll realise that you are in control, not him.
Fucker

As an aside, so you know her husband? Are you going to tell him?

No you don't need proof. You only need to want to divorce.

The proof was only so that he can't dent when you decide to confront hi. Yes writing it down word for word could be useful so that he can't gaslight you.

I'd be tempted to turn up at the next hotel he's booked

I am in such admiration of you. You are so balanced. By now, I’d have removed his manhood from between his legs with a very blunt object and then made a casserole with it, feeding it to his mother! (Mil issues)

Will you confront him? Maybe in writing if you don't like confrontation. Plan what outcome you want before you discuss. Plan how you react when he denies/minimises and tries to turn it into you.

Write down what you remember and dates and their plans

How do you think she will react? Plan ahead what outcome you want.

In short. Pre plan everything !

Jesus OP I’m so sorry to read this, what a Prick, and she’s no better.

I will confront him but not until I’m ready and know where I stand. I don’t know what he’s expecting to happen but there’s no way I’ll be doing the pick me dance. I’ll never be able to trust him again.
I know her who her husband is but don’t know him well. But it’s complicated and potentially outing - I’ve no idea if she or any of her family use MN so I don’t want to say too much. I will speak to him when it’s right for me to do so. That sounds totally selfish but I think I have to look out for myself at the moment.
Good to know I don’t need actual proof, but I will be on the lookout for any if I get a chance. The more I’m writing here today the angrier I’m getting but I have to bide my time for a bit longer. Thanks again for your support, I appreciate it, it’s making my backbone a little stronger

OP you are doing the right thing for you right now, looking after your own best interests. I’d be sorting out copies of all relevant documents and getting your own bank account etc, just so you are free financially and can pay into it.

Well done OP for putting yourself first. So important.

I’ve got the afternoon off today and I’m going to get copies of anything I can find and look for a solicitor and see if I can get an appointment ASAP.
When I came home from work yesterday he couldn’t have been sweeter, it was heartbreaking because I know it’s all a farce. I wish I hadn’t seen anything and was still in my happy bubble of my previous life