I’m being taken for a fool! Advice please

[GettingDucks]

I found out on Christmas Eve that my husband is cheating on me. We’ve been together for 12 years, married almost 4. No kids but some joint finances and a mortgage.
He doesn’t know that I know, I want to get myself into the best position to leave but I don’t know where to start. I haven’t told anyone in RL because it was Christmas and we had so many things planned with friends and family and I didn’t want to ruin things for everyone but I’m sick of being taken for a mug!
Where do I start? What should I do first?
The worst part is that he’s shitting on his own doorstep, the woman he’s messing around with is very well known to our family. This is going to be such a mess...
I’ve seen messages between them proclaiming their love for one another and talking about booking hotel rooms to meet up. I don’t know how long it’s been going on but my ‘d’h is still talking to me about plans for this coming year, holidays, work on the house. Does he think he can get away with leading a double life for ever?
My head is all over the place, so sorry for the rambling. This is the first time I’ve ever posted on here and it’s hard to write what’s in my head in any sort of order at the moment.
I’m sitting outside work waiting to go in so I might not be back for a little while but I’d appreciate any advice or a little hand hold please.

For you op.

I spoke to my best friend today and told her what was going on. Saying it out loud just made it all the more real and I couldn’t go another night without having a conversation with him.
So it’s all out in the open. He didn’t deny anything although says it was just a few drunken messages on Christmas Eve. So I asked to see his phone if he had nothing to hide. He couldn’t say no, but there were all their messages from today and I read them all. They’d planned to meet up tonight, he was supposedly going for a couple with a mate...
Queue lots of apologies, it means nothing, she means nothing, it’s you I want.
I’ve told him it’s over, he’s broken my heart and he’s broken my trust and I won’t be able to forgive him for that
I’ve cried so much I’ve given myself a headache and have come to bed. He’s going to sleep on the couch. I feel empty and angry and sad and confused all at once. But I need to stay strong and see this through

On the couch? He needs to pack a bag and fuck off in the morning then.

Ask your friend to come over, so she can help you get him to go. Say it's just for the weekend. If he won't, call his parents. You need your space from him to go through the house and work out your next move.

Bloody good work though, lady.

Unfortunately she lives in a different country or she’d be here by now! I haven’t got the strength tonight to argue about whether he stays or goes to be honest.
Parents aren’t an option either

Time to pay the OW a visit. She doesn't deserve to live happily ever after & is suggest an std check for you & her OH. I know that's harsh but quite frankly if you're gonna shit where you eat you can't expect to smell of daisies.

I already sent her a message. Apparently she’s only been having a laugh and is sorry if I’m fucked off. I couldn’t reply to that... you can’reason with stupid

That's not exactly a high class reply from her, is it?

At least you have 'proof' in her texts, in case it makes it easier for the solicitor.

Sorry that your friend is abroad, that is frustrating! At least you have her support from afar though.

I hope you manage to get some rest tonight

Worth sending copies of the messsges to her husband then. See if he thinks she’s having a laugh. So what was her plan for her “laugh” tonight then? What a load of crap. You’ve found them out. Good for you and I hope you get rid of this disgusting prick

Just tell her husband.

What a bitch she is, it's bad enough doing it but to do it on your doorstep is horrible. Haven't you anyone else in rl who could support you?

That's awful OP. You are being really strong. Well done.

My heart goes out to you @GettingDucks. I'm so sorry 2019 has started so crap. Does the OW have kids? Like a PP said I wonder if her dh would think it was "just a laugh" too?

Will you tell him? I haven't told the dh of my ex's OW, never been sure if that was the right decision.

So sorry this has happened to you and the shite timing too!

Screenshots of the evidence

Collate all financial & legal information.

Get a good lawyer (recommendations are best) but seeing a few within your locality is beneficial too - because they're then restricted from acting for him! So if a few are recommended make appointments with as many as possible.

NOW THAT HE KNOWS YOU KNOW DO THIS AS A MATTER OF URGENCY!
Remove your finances from his ASAP - I mean completely different banking group! Stop your wage and any other income from going into an account he can access.

"Would solicitors need that kind of proof?" To divorce on grounds of adultery yes. To divorce on unreasonable behaviour less evidence required. Basically just you saying he treats you like shit and you're not putting up with it any more.

I divorced my ex because of his cheating but hadn't enough evidence to do so on grounds of adultery BUT I did it on grounds of unreasonable behaviour citing the adultery as one of them and included OW name here (which really pissed him off! 😂) it was quite satisfying listing his faults as a husband actually.

"Apparently she’s only been having a laugh" tell her dh see if she still thinks it's so fucking funny then!!