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Relationships

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Original poster

46 and still yearning to be a father

53 replies

Amaranthe · 02/01/2019 22:42

I have found myself in a situation that is literally tearing me apart but I don't whether I'm being selfish or not.

We’ve been together for almost 23 years, and married for 21, she was 18 and I’d just turned 23 when we started our relationship and during our first year together she wanted to have children. I also wanted children but suggested that we wait a little while because our situation wasn’t stable, neither of us were working, she still lived with her parents and I was couch surfing because I’d given up my house so we could get a place together closer to her parents. 18 months later we were married, employed and had bought our home so I raised the topic of children and she responded by saying yes but we're only in our 20's there's plenty of time, I was happy with this as I thought we were just delaying having a family for a while however when I broached the subject just after she was 30 she flat out told me no, I was devastated and until recently I believed that I had accepted her decision however apparently I wasn't as accepting as I thought.
For some unknown reason I always became the unofficial child minder at weddings and family get togethers, from toddlers to teens I was in my element and hearing comments like you'd make a great father, you're great with kids, why don't you have your own kids? and when are you and your wife going to have your own kids? always made me feel strange but I didn't know why. According to my therapist I have been subconsciously using my friends children as surrogates to fulfil my yearning for having children of my own. I become jealous when I see parents with their children and I get angry whenever I read articles or peoples posts saying that the DNA donor has left the woman either whilst she's pregnant or having just given birth because he doesn't want to be a dad and then he's gone on to make another woman pregnant and done the same again.

I tentatively broached the subject about having children again, because she didn't immediately shut me down I asked her if I could look into fostering or possibly adoption, I literally begged and said that I’m 46 and I really want to be a dad before I’m too old and she told me that she doesn’t care and that there’s no chance that there’ll ever be children in our house. When she said this to me I left the house and didn’t return for 3 days, I couldn’t face being in the same room as her and over the last few weeks I have started to really resent her and although I do still love her I’m no longer in love with her if that makes any sense, I have even considered asking for a divorce but I’m terrified at the prospect of being alone, I'm certainly no dreamboat, I'm closer to 50 than 40 and after being made redundant last year my finances would be laughable.

I truly feel that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I haven't a clue what to do. I apologise for such a long post.

OP posts:

Clearthinking · 02/01/2019 22:47

A friend of mine was with a woman 11 years. She had no intention of having kids. One day he (bravely) left, said he wanted kids. Went on dating site, got wed now has a little boy. I always will admire him for what he did although she was my closest friend. It can be done.

category12 · 02/01/2019 22:51

Well, looks like you need to make a choice whether it's a dealbreaker for you, whether you want the relationship more than you want children. It sounds like it is a dealbreaker. In which case you need to split up.

Oldstyle · 02/01/2019 22:54

I'm really sorry that you and your wife have suddenly reached this impasse. I do hope that your relationship can survive since you both have entirely valid points of view and no-one is to blame for the fact that they are incompatible. Maybe you could look at mentoring schemes where older men mentor young people, particularly at times of transition or potential stress in their lives? Or working with younger refugees who need a supportive adult in their lives? Or perhaps a friend would make you a godparent? I think you need to try to find a parenting role for yourself, rather than expecting your wife to undertake this with you. Good luck.

Weenurse · 02/01/2019 22:54

It sounds as though you wil end up resenting her and making both your lives miserable. Leave and try some dating sites.

maximumcarnage · 02/01/2019 22:55

Pretty grim situation to be in. Frequently see a Lady post in pretty much the same situation. My hope, and it’s a silly one, is that she didn’t deceive you from the beginning. Because if she never intended to have kids she’s essentially deceived you in a very, very cruel way.

Anyway you’ve got a tough decision to make. Assuming you’re healthy in all the right places you still have time to be a father. It seems clear she’s dead against having kids. So what matters most to you? Her or the chance to be a father?

Life offers no guarantees so you’ll have to think very carefully. Personally I feel you should what makes you happy. There’s never a perfect time to have kids and there’s never a perfect time to split from a partner. But I wish you the very best.

Villagelifer · 02/01/2019 22:57

I know of a very similar story, a good friend had his first child at 45, with his second wife. First wife didn't want children and eventually that ended the relationship.

happymum12345 · 02/01/2019 22:59

Your wife has been honed with you in telling you she doesn’t want to have children. If you are adamant that you want children, I suggest couples therapy to find a way forward for both of you in an amicable way.

SandyY2K · 02/01/2019 23:03

If you stay you'll resent her. Luckily as a man you'd find it easier than a woman your age to still have your own biological children.

Pockybot · 02/01/2019 23:04

Agree with happymum

5BlueHydrangea · 02/01/2019 23:06

It's a really hard position to be in. At least you you know your wife definitely does not want a child. You need to take some time out to decide what YOU want to do. There are no guarantees even if you do split up that you will meet someone else who wants children, or indeed that you will be able to have them. Are you otherwise happy??

HildegardCrowe · 02/01/2019 23:11

You're in a very hard position OP, I feel for you. The thing is, you resent her already and even if you decide to stay and forgo the chance of having children, would that resentment not grow? If you leave you have the chance of having children or of meeting someone with children and becoming a step-father to them.

Travisandthemonkey · 02/01/2019 23:17

Well you’re not going to have a child with her. So you have to decide if you leave and try and meet someone else or accept your life as it is and stay.
Both are hard choices

Original poster

Amaranthe · 02/01/2019 23:25

I don't know if you can really say that she'd been honest happymum12345. She wanted kids when we first got together but both being unemployed, her living with parents and me for all intents and purposes homeless because I'd given up my house to get one closer to her parents we agreed to wait until we had our home. We got jobs, married and our home 10 months later and we were supposed to start a family then but she asked me to wait because we were in our 20's so I agreed to wait till our 30's and that was when she said no, for over a decade I was lead to believe we'd be having children.

OP posts:

category12 · 02/01/2019 23:31

But you've been with her for 16 more years after that, knowing that.

Obviously your feelings about this aren't going away, so you need to make the break.

Travisandthemonkey · 02/01/2019 23:31

But you’re 46 so she’s 42
I mean. I have been in your situation and even I realised by 35 that if it wasn’t going to happen with him then it wasn’t going to happen.
Have you been in this much denial for this long!!??

You can’t really blame her for at least the last 10 years. You decided to stay.

You either take the huge step or you don’t.

Cherries101 · 02/01/2019 23:44

Leave and find a woman who either has kids or wants them.

Original poster

Amaranthe · 02/01/2019 23:48

I thought I had accepted it but it turns out I'd just buried it and it's been eating away at me and then a few months ago the damn broke. According to my therapist it would have probably happened sooner if I hadn't spent so much time looking after friends and families children, I used to baby sit a couple of nights a week and it's only been the last year or so that this has really tapered off.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2019 23:48

I'll tell you the same thing I would tell a woman in your situation. Never, ever give up having a child for the sake of a woman/man.

It doesn't matter who said what in the past. She's made it clear now that she doesn't want children. That is her right. You do. That is your right, too But unfortunately having a child is not something a couple can ever 'compromise' on. It's not like one member wanting to live at the sea and the other wants the mountains so you compromise and live halfway between.

You need to leave and find someone who does want children. I guarantee you won't have to look hard.

flossietoot · 02/01/2019 23:50

How very sad. At 42 it is obviously unlikely it will happen even if she does change her mind. So it’s a case of deciding whether it is a deal breaker or not.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 02/01/2019 23:50

I think this should have been a make it or break it deal 10 years ago. You should have always made sure that you both were on the same page and if you weren't (which you aren't) then you should separate. For example, my husband and I never ever want kids, so he had a vasectomy (his idea). It would absolutely devastate me if he changed his mind about it and said he wanted children. I feel for you, I really do. However, I think this issue should be settled long ago. Good luck, whatever you decide.

explodingkitten · 02/01/2019 23:53

You're a bit late to the party so if this is what you want then don't wait another 16 years.

Travisandthemonkey · 03/01/2019 00:03

Well I would say what I would say to a woman
Go and get your fertility checked out.
It may be you’ve left it too late, don’t automatically assume you’re ok because you’re a man.
Get as much info as you can on your own body.
Then go from there

MumsyJ · 03/01/2019 00:14

Did she ever tell you the reason she changed her mind about having kids? Sometimes, some people find out a shocking health issues that affect their ability to conceive. Do you think perhaps this could be the case and she doesn't want to talk about it, feeling she's let you down knowing how much you yearn for your own kids together?
On the other hand, if it's nothing to do with the above mentioned, I suggest both of you have that conversation because you need to be happy, as at the moment, she's the happy one now without kids. So you need to be happy and start seeking. You're a man and it's a lot easier your age than a woman of same age to conceive.

lboogy · 03/01/2019 00:36

Being terrified of being alone isn't a reason to stay. You need to work on finding stable employment and leave.

There's no compromise when it comes to having kids I'm afraid and at 42, even if she changed her mind about kids, it's unlikely she can have them. Not to mention you don't want her being guilted/pressurised to have a child and then end up resenting the child or you.

pissedonatrain · 03/01/2019 04:22

I'm wondering if this has more to do with losing your job and maybe a mid life crisis?

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