46 and still yearning to be a father

[Amaranthe]

I have found myself in a situation that is literally tearing me apart but I don't whether I'm being selfish or not.

We’ve been together for almost 23 years, and married for 21, she was 18 and I’d just turned 23 when we started our relationship and during our first year together she wanted to have children. I also wanted children but suggested that we wait a little while because our situation wasn’t stable, neither of us were working, she still lived with her parents and I was couch surfing because I’d given up my house so we could get a place together closer to her parents. 18 months later we were married, employed and had bought our home so I raised the topic of children and she responded by saying yes but we're only in our 20's there's plenty of time, I was happy with this as I thought we were just delaying having a family for a while however when I broached the subject just after she was 30 she flat out told me no, I was devastated and until recently I believed that I had accepted her decision however apparently I wasn't as accepting as I thought.
For some unknown reason I always became the unofficial child minder at weddings and family get togethers, from toddlers to teens I was in my element and hearing comments like you'd make a great father, you're great with kids, why don't you have your own kids? and when are you and your wife going to have your own kids? always made me feel strange but I didn't know why. According to my therapist I have been subconsciously using my friends children as surrogates to fulfil my yearning for having children of my own. I become jealous when I see parents with their children and I get angry whenever I read articles or peoples posts saying that the DNA donor has left the woman either whilst she's pregnant or having just given birth because he doesn't want to be a dad and then he's gone on to make another woman pregnant and done the same again.

I tentatively broached the subject about having children again, because she didn't immediately shut me down I asked her if I could look into fostering or possibly adoption, I literally begged and said that I’m 46 and I really want to be a dad before I’m too old and she told me that she doesn’t care and that there’s no chance that there’ll ever be children in our house. When she said this to me I left the house and didn’t return for 3 days, I couldn’t face being in the same room as her and over the last few weeks I have started to really resent her and although I do still love her I’m no longer in love with her if that makes any sense, I have even considered asking for a divorce but I’m terrified at the prospect of being alone, I'm certainly no dreamboat, I'm closer to 50 than 40 and after being made redundant last year my finances would be laughable.

I truly feel that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I haven't a clue what to do. I apologise for such a long post.

If you did decide to leave you have a good chance to meet a women in her late 30s who also wants to have a baby asap. Although nothing is for certain of course.

I honestly think you should try to start again and find your chance of happiness and fatherhood. It sounds like you will resent and mistrust your wife from now on anyway so it sounds like you will be both be unhappy. I think this desire to be a parent is too strong to ignore, as devastating as it would be to go through a break up?

You suggest that it's come to the fore now because you haven't been babysitting as much - but it's surely no coincidence that this crisis has come to a head shortly after your redundancy. You're questioning the meaning of your whole life, and have plenty of time on your hands to do some of the thinking you should have done years ago, when your ex said she'd changed her mind. And typical mid-life crisis age anyway, when people realise that they no longer have all the choices they did at 30.

Stop hanging around and make good use of this crisis. You don't love your wife, you resent her and are only with her because you are too scared to consider being alone. Would your wife even want to be with you if she knew that? After you walked out, she can probably put two and two together, and probably feels just as crap as you.

You can still do it the nice way. My ex did it the nasty way; got himself a mistress (to solve that niggling "afraid of being alone" problem), slagged me off, rewrote our 20-year history, lied and disrespected me and the kids. You could get your act together, stop dithering, stop running away, treat your wife with respect and leave her decently.

Divorce is not the end of the world. I didn't even want one, but thanks to my exh I now have the chance to find a new partner that respects me and actively wants to be with me. It's been a new lease of life for me, probably more so than for him (OW having dumped him).

Even if you stay with your wife that is very obviously not a guarantee that you'll never be alone again.

Now you've been made redundant, are you just sitting there sadly wishing you had a job, or are you working out how best to get one?

I would prioritise a. Finding a new job
B. Having a fertility/sperm analysis check done through your go, and c. Ending your marriage as decently and amicably as possible (having confirmed your wont change her mind, even if she did it is fair to say you two might not find it easy to conceive and are most likely past the age of IVF funding by the NHS).

You are actually very 'lucky' being a man, because (fertility issues aside, which hopefully won't be a problem), its v likely you'll be able to have a child/children.

If you had any idea of the number of women who want to meet a decent, well adjusted man who's shown himself capable of commitment & monogamy, who actually liked and wants kids, who would supposedly pull his weight with them, and whose marriage has ended over this issue (as opposed to the typical alternatives).l and have a family with him ... I seriously can't see you having much difficulty. You also have the advantage of many more women seemingly being open to dating older than them, than men are.

Please don’t waste anymore time with her. She will never change her mind and time for you is running out.

Make the break OP. I really hope it works out for yoI.

There is a lot of single women out there wanting to start a family in their mid to late 30s. I think you know what you have to do.

Having said yourself and your wife may not find it easy to conceive, even if she changes her mind - which sounds unlikely .... It's not impossible, its more likely if you two have money to spend on IVF (though you mentioned you finances not being great at the moment) and also depends on your wife's viable egg number - which varies across women. Some women have low likelihood of conceiving in their 40s, some do so without much difficulty (I know quite a lot of women who have, even mid 40s).

But it sounds like she won't change her mind, and to be cold about it, you would have much more chance and less difficulty with a woman in her 30s or younger.

Move on op kindest thing you can do both for yourself and your partner who you will end up resenting.
Wishing you good luck

This will tear you apart so please don’t wait another 16 years.

I have a friend in a similar position who had always wanted to be a father but his long term partner already had a child by another man and didn’t want another. Although he dotes on the child (not so young anymore) he has always yearned for his own. This had caused no end of issues for them during their 20 or so years together. He stayed because he loved her and hoped she would change her mind. He is now 53 and last year married a younger woman who wanted to have children. He tells me he is still ‘in’ love his ex but just couldn’t suppress his desire to have his own children. I can’t judge how he is treating his new DW, we all do things that maybe we’re not so proud of.

Anyway when his exDW found out he was leaving her she turned around and said they could work it out and that she was willing to ttc but she was 49 at that point and I think he was worried she was just saying that to make him stay. I’m not saying your DW will turn around and say the same or that you won’t find ‘real’ love again. Im just saying it is possible to find someone who wants to have children as you do - it just depends on what you are willing to do.

I wish you all the best in your decision OP. You’re not being selfish, you have every right to feel as you do so don’t be too hard on yourself. Find your happiness or you will regret it.

I agree with pp.
I think firstly you should get some fertility tests done to check that you are fertile. Because this may change your decision (it may not if you still want to adopt).

Assuming that you are fertile... I would then be questioning how you feel about dating a woman significantly younger than you. For many it is not an issue but it is just something to consider. Fertility in women declines more rapidly after 35 so even if you met someone in their late 30s they might not be able to have children. Also if you were looking to meet someone in their early 30s it would be a 15 year + age gap, which many people are fine with but you would need to be ok with it and find a partner that is also happy with it.

I think it is very sad but you have every right to feel the way you do and if she doesn't want to have children then you would have to find love elsewhere with someone who does. There are no guarantees though.

My partner and his ex adopted a little girl when he was your age and she was slightly younger. He says it is the best thing he ever did in his life.

Leaving now and finding another woman to have a child with or adopting a child is fairer than forcing your wife to have a child (not saying you're trying to!).
People separate for all sorts of reasons and wanting to have children is as valid as any other. Procreation is a huge instinct, even if some people never feel it.

The question is whether you'd rather stay with this woman or have children. But keeping in mind that babysitting is not the same as caring for a child 24/7. And that the child could end up having special needs.

I don't see the need for a fertility test. I think erectile dysfunction is a more common problem than fertility, from what I've seen anyway. My brother-in-law met his wife at 49 and had his first child at 50. You've got no worries in that dept. Just get the job sorted.

You've got just the same worries as every other man in that department. You don't know if you will find a partner, if she will be fertile, if you will manage to conceive before she loses her fertility, if the pregnancy will leave you with a child, if the child will be healthy or if either of you will see the child grow up. Same as anyone else.

With your wife, you won't have those worries. You'll have different ones. Neither route is paved with gold and lined with cherry blossom.

I won’t comment from the relationship perspective as so much sense has already been said.

From an experience POV my husbands first marriage ended when he was 43 as he wanted children. She already had two teens herself and didn’t want any more. They ended up with a whole load of resentment and called it a day. We met when he was 44 and I was 37. First baby when he was 46 and second and 48.

Good luck to you.

Fertility in women declines more rapidly after 35 so even if you met someone in their late 30s they might not be able to have children.

This never fails to irritate me. Chances of 35-39 yr old women conceiving within a year of trying are almost 90%.

@merville I agree

and to the posters who said a woman has lost her chance at 42, tosh!! Plenty of women have kids well into their 40s

For those asking if being made redundant is the reason for this revelation, it's not as that only happened on the 30th of November.I'm not wallowing about being unemployed, it took me a long time to find work again so I know it's not easy especially in the good old North-East of England. I have a surgical assessment on my right knee next week and I'm waiting to hear the results of the assessment before I put myself out there again because my last knee surgery had me out of commission for 3 months and it's unfair to any employer to take someone one who could be out for 3 months.
To be honest I think that I fucked up, I've spent the last few months asking myself when she asked me to wait did I miss the warning signs because I had thrown myself into working with bands(I was a roadie and ran merchandise and arranged accommodation for the bands I worked with)
Whenever we were asked about kids by the bands I worked with or by family and friends we always said that the world wasn't ready for our offspring yet! and to me the most significant word in that comment was the word yet! so I'd assumed this was a running joke and not her way of letting me down without actually telling me, possibly to soften the blow when she did actually drop the bombshell, I simply don't know.
I stopped working with bands specifically to concentrate on starting a family, it wouldn't have been fair for me to shoot off for days on end, quite often with very little notice and leave her to deal with everything on her own. When she's said no I accepted her decision without any argument without even attempting to make her understand how important fatherhood was to me, I didn't speak to anybody at all about the emotional mess that it had caused and simply buried my feelings. So as I said a little bit earlier I honestly think that I fucked up.

(Is the a way to edit these posts as I noticed an error in my first post)

OP, it doesn't help to keep looking back and analysing what has been said and done in the past. What matters is what you both want NOW. Which unfortunately is not the same thing.

Your relationship is doomed for this. Nobody's fault, just opposing wants and needs. If you struggle on, you'll break up eventually over the bitterness and resentment. Better to pull off the plaster now and start again, while you are still capable of being a good father to the children you will have with another woman (your bio kids and/or being a stepdad).

And stop procrastinating!! You put off talking about and having kids, you are putting off looking for a job, putting off separating and building a new life with someone who wants/has with kids...

Pull your finger out. You only get ONE life!!! Don't waste any more of it. You deserve to be fulfilled and happy.

A family member of ours left his wife because she didn't want children. He also ended up having children with the next woman he met. Be careful op

I don't think you are going to make each other happy now. She wants a child-free life and to live without guilt and resentment. You are desperate to be a father. It is so true that we only get one life and if having children is your dream, you really need to be pro-active and make it happen now.

Dear Amaranthe,
I left my husband as he didn't want children. We had a great marriage and he was a wonderful husband, but I knew I would hate him in years to come for refusing to have children with me. I said to myself if I don't find someone to have children with I will adopt as there is no age limit on that.
I have found someone decent (after kissing few frogs) and I am pregnant now with first child at 41. I know I am younger than you, but you are not too old either. I had to leave the marriage to save our friendship. It wouldn't have worked had I stayed. It was a tough break, as we were so close, but I didn't want to grow old having never taking the chance to be a mother. I wish you good luck.

What Lottie said.

Just get on with it now though.

You're 46, and your wife is 42. She most likely can't have kids and it's unlikely she will change her mind anyway.

I would end the relationship, you won't survive it. You will spend the rest of your life resenting her.

Also, whilst you can look into adoption and fostering, remember there are also a lot of single mothers out there who would love to have a man in their life's that loves them and doesn't see the child as a burden in any way. There's also the possibility of dating someone who is more likely to succeed with pregnancy if you did want your own. You could also use a surrogate or IVF.

Don't give up if that's what you want. You know it is what you want.