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Relationships

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Original poster

Aibu not to go?

30 replies

Swearingonswears · 02/01/2019 20:38

I've been with my dp for 2 years. For various reasons he hasnt met any of my family apart from parents. In february we have a family meal for sisters 40th birthday. My dm has said she doesnt want him to go as he swears a lot (as do i, I dont see the issue) dm doesnt like swearing as she finds it disrespectful him doing it knowing she doesnt like it, but it is normal for him to speak like that and he tries to tone it down. Another issue is that I will be paying for the both of us. When we go out with dp family whoevers event it is will pay, but with my family we pay our own share. I dont mind paying for both of us but dm thinks he should pay his share. When we go out together he mainly pays the bill and I generally pay for the food shop or get the desert, but dm takes issue with the way I will pay when all go out with my parents (its always my arranging as i want to spend time with them all)

Dm has said she wants me to not invite dp as she's worried he will say something out of line or offend people with his swearing (nobody else really cares) so aibu to not go if he doesn't? I really want dp to be involved with my family

OP posts:

Original poster

Swearingonswears · 02/01/2019 20:40

Another problem she has is that he eats quite badly and will eat quite a lot which embarrasses dm

OP posts:

mogratpineapple · 02/01/2019 20:42

No, not at all. In your situation I wouldn't go either. You've been together 2 years and you are a couple. Can't be arsed with funny relatives, life's too short

peekyboo · 02/01/2019 20:46

You don't care if people's first impressions of him are swearing and eating badly? Not saying you shouldn't be yourselves, but can he not be a bit polite, seeing as he's never met most of them before?

Is there a point to swearing all the time and eating badly?

Original poster

Swearingonswears · 02/01/2019 20:53

I honestly don't think he will come across badly. I know the swearing isn't ideal and I will ask him to tone it down, but he does try to eat nicely but is just naturally a fast eater so not really much we can do about that and the way he eats a lot, surely thats the point of going out for the meal?

OP posts:

MrsExpo · 02/01/2019 20:59

Why can he not just learn some basic good manners? Stop swearing, eat politely, problem solved .....

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 02/01/2019 21:00

Well, I'm a sweary fucker but know when it isn't appropriate and can control myself at social events - I think most sweary people are the same.

What do you mean "eats badly" - shovelling food in at speed? Eating with his mouth open? I find bad table manners offputting, so I kinda get your DMs stance.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 02/01/2019 21:03

Oh, a gobbler! he eats a lot because he eats quickly, so his stomach doesn't have time to send "I'm full enough" signals to the brain.

Original poster

Swearingonswears · 02/01/2019 21:05

LOL ok so apparently it IS a real issue! Another question - how do I help a man who swears a lot to tone it down? He does try but is a builder so spends most of his time around as equally sweary men, and it is honestly just part of his vocabulary now

OP posts:

Popchyk · 02/01/2019 21:06

As it is your sister's birthday meal, can you ask her?

Maybe have your boyfriend meet the rest of the family before the birthday meal, just take him round for a cup of tea or something? Because this has the potential to make for an uncomfortable event otherwise - and that is not fair on your sister on her birthday.

Personally, I really wouldn't want anybody to be swearing throughout my birthday meal. I'd find it disrespectful, same as your mum. I'm guessing he was swearing the first time he met your mum if she has to mention it to you now? You said that he knew your mum didn't like the swearing. So he knew that and carried on anyway.

Presumably your boyfriend manages to have a conversation with his boss or customers at work without swearing?

peekyboo · 02/01/2019 21:07

I think 99% of people can tone it down when they want. If he doesn't want to, or won't for whatever reason, then that's a whole other issue.

Come on, are you saying that he swears all day around his customers too?

peekyboo · 02/01/2019 21:08

Is he a complete oik or do you not care how he treats your family? Is it a joke to you both?

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 02/01/2019 21:10

When you say swearing is it mild or effing? Surely it’s best for him not to swear at all rather than just ‘tone it down.’ Not appropriate for a family birthday meal especially if he doesn’t know everybody.

Alongwaytogo · 02/01/2019 21:16

My hubby swears alot too in private conversation. But he's an adult and can control what he's saying when in public. I'd say it's pure laziness if he can't control it....

HundredMilesAnHour · 02/01/2019 21:19

You don't 'help a man who swears a lot'. He's an adult. Why isn't be capable of controlling his own language?

I swear a lot but I am perfectly capable of going out for a meal and not swearing. Does he swear in front of kids too? Does he have any boundaries? You seem to be making a lot of excuses for him.

As for the eating fast and too much, he needs to learn some table manners. At least how to eat in a polite, slightly formal setting. It isn't hard. Just eat more slowly and don't be a pig. And no, the point of going out for a meal is NOT solely to 'eat a lot'. You sound almost as bad as him.

And stop talking to your mother about your finances then she won't have any material to criticise you with. Are you one of those people who has to tell their mother everything? It sounds like you are.

If you want your DP to be involved with your family, he needs to learn to behave like a civilised human being who won't make people feel uncomfortable by either his swearing/language or his eating habits. It's not hard. Most people learnt as a small child.

Finally, if your DP doesn't go, you should still go. It's your sister's 40th birthday. It's not like your being excluded. Your DM just doesn't want your DP behaving like an uncouth yob. Surely he's capable of that for one evening?

funnylittlefloozie · 02/01/2019 21:21

Of course he can tone it down if he wants! I work in an impressively foul-mouthed environment where every other word is unacceptable - but even they manage to tone it down when important visitors are present.

When he swears in company, does he apologise? Or does he carry on effing and blinding, making no distinction between building site and dining table?

PerverseConverse · 02/01/2019 21:35

I totally get your DM's point. I wouldn't want a foul mouthed mannerless oik at the table either. And what's with the finances? If he pays for a meal you pay for the weekly food shop? Sounds bonkers to me and I can understand why you're DM doesn't get why you are paying for him. She probably thinks he's a cocklodger in addition to being a foul mouthed mannerless oik. You don't sound much better tbh.

bethy15 · 02/01/2019 22:54

I mean, TBH if I was going out for a nice meal, I wouldn't want him there either.

Why is it he needs to swear so much and cannot control himself in company? Does he have a lacking vocabulary that he needs to fill the silences with swear words?

And why is it a problem that he has to pay? I've been to family meals for birthday's, friends meals for birthdays for years and I honestly don't remember one where I didn't pay anything. Why would he expect not to contribute to what he's eating?
Why won't he pay? This is an odd part of it for me.

BlokeHereInPeace · 02/01/2019 23:42

He's a builder so he swears a lot.

That's just rubbish. He's rude.

category12 · 02/01/2019 23:51

First off, stop telling your mum on the gory details of how you work your finances with him.

It's not unreasonable to expect him to rein in the swearing and not eat like a pig at social events. Tell him it's a more formal occasion and he needs to use decent manners.

TitsNnails · 02/01/2019 23:54

My dad was a builder. He's sworn Infront of me three times in my life and has been mortified each time.
Hubby also has a trade job, never ever swears Infront of me or our children.
You don't mind your partner's traits but your mum does, I don't think she is unreasonable to not want him there.

babba2014 · 02/01/2019 23:55

You're making too many excuses for him.
He need to learn how to talk well in front of others. It doesn't matter if it's part of his vocabulary. He should learn how to make normal talk part of his vocabulary too. Especially in front of others. It's respect. Same with his eating.

I'm not sure why your mum knows about your finances like that but maybe she is hearing alarm bells ringing. You should just pool your money together in one account (for spending) at equal proportions and spend from there.

Holidayshopping · 02/01/2019 23:58

He doesn’t eat nicely.
He can’t stop swearing.
He won’t pay for himself and lets you pay. Will he not go otherwise?

He doesn’t really sound much of a charmer.

donquixotedelamancha · 03/01/2019 00:08

he eats quite badly

I'm picturing something horrific:

Only uses elbows?
Just mashes his face into the plate and chases the food around with his mouth, going 'om nom nom'?
Lines up the condiments and everyone's drinks to refight waterloo over several hours.
You have to cut it up and feed him while making aeroplane noises?
He really enjoys his food far too much and makes correspondingly appreciate noises while eating?
Cuts the nose off cheese, orders red wine with fish and uses the wrong fork like some kind of filthy prole?

I may have become slightly side tracked, what was your question again?

Icepinkeskimo · 03/01/2019 00:48

He's not Captain Caveman is he? He may be a builder, and a bit rough around the edges, so I strongly suggest getting some sandpaper to smooth him out a little.

Seriously though, some men are never going to be good enough for us, according to our mothers. If your happy with him, then don't worry what your DM thinks.

There is an old saying, you can trust a person who swears, but never trust someone who doesn't swear.

It's actually true in my experience, the most devious people I have ever had the misfortune to meet never swore, and were manipulative and calculated.

You be happy with your man OP, take no notice of this swearing snobbery!

Pieceofpurplesky · 03/01/2019 01:19

Does he eat like this?

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