Aibu not to go?

[Swearingonswears]

I've been with my dp for 2 years. For various reasons he hasnt met any of my family apart from parents. In february we have a family meal for sisters 40th birthday. My dm has said she doesnt want him to go as he swears a lot (as do i, I dont see the issue) dm doesnt like swearing as she finds it disrespectful him doing it knowing she doesnt like it, but it is normal for him to speak like that and he tries to tone it down. Another issue is that I will be paying for the both of us. When we go out with dp family whoevers event it is will pay, but with my family we pay our own share. I dont mind paying for both of us but dm thinks he should pay his share. When we go out together he mainly pays the bill and I generally pay for the food shop or get the desert, but dm takes issue with the way I will pay when all go out with my parents (its always my arranging as i want to spend time with them all)

Dm has said she wants me to not invite dp as she's worried he will say something out of line or offend people with his swearing (nobody else really cares) so aibu to not go if he doesn't? I really want dp to be involved with my family

The eating badly would annoy me. No excuse for a grown up to not eat properly. I’d be embarrassed too.

Surely you’re massively overthinking all of this! It’s just one meal out for your sisters special day. It’s suddenly become all about him? Over invested? Why is your dm doing all of this dictating about who can and can’t go? Why’s it even a conversation? It’s your sisters thing not hers? Way too complicated. Why don’t you cut out the middle man and go straight to your sister for a conversation about this. If she doesn’t want him to go then go without him. It’s one meal not a month holiday in Australia. Perspective badly needed here.

I think any one issue in isolation is minor, but what they are seeing is someone with bad table manners, who is greedy, swears inappropriately and doesn't pay for himself.

I'm in thr camp of accepting your child's partner and keeping your own council in terms of how you feel, but I'm not your mother. And personally I hate bad table manners. It's not that hard to eat nicely, and to control youtself round food. It shouldn't be something he has to "try" to do. So on the flip side, if he can't make enough of an effort and control himself for an hour or so, possibly your mother has a point.

My dh and I swear like fucking troopers! He's a builder and like normal sweary people is quite capable of not swearing when necessary! He respects me enough to be polite and mannerly with my parents. Try to tone it down? Wtf? Cut it out! He's an adult and can control what comes out of his mouth. And what goes in when he's eating. My dh insists on paying when we're with my parents because he knows my dad's old fashioned. If he'd let me I'd pay him back after the meal. But he knows my dad appreciates it, so it's worth it to him.

Unless your mum is way ott, he was obviously awful when she did meet him. What are you going to do if he's invited out with your work colleagues, or even your boss?

Builders are not automatically lacking in manners! It's an insult to suggest they are. People lacking respect are!

Surely everyone is on their best behaviour when they meet their parrner’s family. Why can’t your bloke do it?