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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this cheating? Should i forgive?

55 replies

Loopeylou92 · 02/01/2019 16:54

My partner and i have been together for 3 years with 1 child and 1 from a previous relationship of mine. We had an argument the other day over something petty but it turned into a big row and i ended up kicking him out for the night so he went to his dads. Few days later i find out the night he went to his dads he was looking on sex sites the ones that are like dating sites but just for sex. Hes so ashamed of himself and couldn't stop apologising for what he had done he said it was a big mistake and looked because i kicked him out. Hes promised me he will never do that again or ever cheat. My question is would you consider this cheating? And could you forgive this?

OP posts:
Lemoneeza · 02/01/2019 16:57

I have worked for such websites for a long time. He will do it again and again I am almost certain of it.

SparklyMagpie · 02/01/2019 17:05

I'd be very surprised if he hasn't already been looking before you kicked him out

Couldn't even last a day without looking for it elsewhere? Nope from me

7kyay · 02/01/2019 17:07

I don't think it counts as cheating. How did you find out about it?

Original poster
Loopeylou92 · 02/01/2019 17:09

I checked his history as much as i could. He was on the website for about 10 minutes on that one day. Can't see anything else when i looked back further.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopeylou92 · 02/01/2019 17:10

I looked at his history when i was using his phone to look up something online.

OP posts:
Santaisfastasleepatlast · 02/01/2019 17:12

Imo he was sticking 2 fingers up at you and nothing more.
Any red flags before this regarding cheating?

Original poster
Loopeylou92 · 02/01/2019 17:18

Nope nothing whatsoever.

OP posts:
2019rubberband · 02/01/2019 17:25

Does it need to count as 'cheating'. Do you need that word to validate your partner is a sleazy bastard?

Closetbeanmuncher · 02/01/2019 17:32

First sign of trouble and hes searching for FOC hookers?? Not a great sign.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/01/2019 17:33

It’s not a great sign but I wouldn’t class this as cheating

Original poster
Loopeylou92 · 02/01/2019 17:37

I know its not a good sign but surely its not bad enough to throw our whole relationship away and break up our family. Suppose the only thing i can do is just hope he doesnt do it again and learn to trust him again.

OP posts:
Doobee · 02/01/2019 17:39

So the first big argument and he’s on sex sites! 😕

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/01/2019 17:41

The first thing he thought of after a row, was where can i find me a willing woman to fuck?
Well here's hoping he doesn't engineer anymore rows eh, if you forgive this you are giving him the green light to do it again

Original poster
Loopeylou92 · 02/01/2019 18:31

Not first big argument we have been together 3 years.

Not giving him the green light he knows how angry i was and knows he only has one chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopeylou92 · 02/01/2019 18:32

Wasnt just a row. I kicked him out and told him it was over.

OP posts:
Surfskatefamily · 02/01/2019 18:33

Dont worry about it. He was probably just stewing. Doesnt sound like he was serious

category12 · 02/01/2019 18:34

10 minutes on sex sites?

Isn't the argument and the fact it turned into kicking him out for the night more sympotmatic of a problem with the relationship than 10 minutes browsing?

category12 · 02/01/2019 18:34

symptomatic

potatoscone · 02/01/2019 18:36

I know its not a good sign but surely its not bad enough to throw our whole relationship away and break up our family

It would be for me.

Depends how much self respect you have I suppose? Do you really want to be with a man who looks for a fuck whenever he gets a night away from you?

potatoscone · 02/01/2019 18:38

Wasnt just a row. I kicked him out and told him it was over.

You said in your OP you 'ended up kicking him out for the night so he went to his dads.'

Now you are saying you told him it was over and kicked him out for good.

What that says to me is that because posters haven't agreed that it was ok for him to look for a casual fuck, you are changing the story to make it look like he wasn't that bad. Well he was. Dirty, sleazy, lying, cheat of a man. What do you see in him?

Smallhorse · 02/01/2019 18:39

What were you arguing about ?

Kicking him out is harsh

BillywilliamV · 02/01/2019 18:39

There are too many hurt and bitter women on here to get an unbiased concensus, you need to do what genuinely feels right to you.

Smallhorse · 02/01/2019 18:41

Not remotely cheating - are you serious?

itsalloverforanotheryear · 02/01/2019 18:42

You had a row, kicked him out and told him it was over...why are you even bothered? Oh yeah cos you've had him back! My bet is he thought he'd try and get one over on you/revenge...you clearly have trust issues and I think there's a lot more to the problems in your relationship than this perhaps.

Jenniferb21 · 02/01/2019 18:47

I’d just like to say that life is too short and precious to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate you and share the same core values and principles regarding your relationship with you.

I don’t think it matters whether it’s classed as cheating it matters whether you feel with that behaviour it is something you want to accept he may do or want to do again.

Don’t stay with him out of obligation or worrying about breaking up the family. You would eventually move on and children are very adaptable and I’m sure would understand when old enough that sometimes it doesn’t work out.

You seem to defend him or the situation quite a lot to others responses which I think shows you want to give him another chance. Have a really good think about it and listen to your instinct, everyone on here has different standards morals and experiences and their reaction would be unique to them, yours should be to you

I would find it hard to forgive my husband but I would give him another chance if that was the only thing I.e not actually cheated before or done anything similar he knows upset me. However someone else might not find this serious some couples accept flirting as long as it’s not physical etc. It’s all dependent on so many things

Trust your instincts and think about whether he’s the one you want to spend your life with.

Good luck x x