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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this cheating? Should i forgive?

55 replies

Loopeylou92 · 02/01/2019 16:54

My partner and i have been together for 3 years with 1 child and 1 from a previous relationship of mine. We had an argument the other day over something petty but it turned into a big row and i ended up kicking him out for the night so he went to his dads. Few days later i find out the night he went to his dads he was looking on sex sites the ones that are like dating sites but just for sex. Hes so ashamed of himself and couldn't stop apologising for what he had done he said it was a big mistake and looked because i kicked him out. Hes promised me he will never do that again or ever cheat. My question is would you consider this cheating? And could you forgive this?

OP posts:
category12 · 02/01/2019 18:47

10 minutes doesn't seem long enough for him to actually have done much more than open up a sex site and flick through a few pages.

But it's up to you where you draw your line in the sand.

If he had "only one chance" and you feel he has blown that, then if you don't follow through, you're giving the message your boundaries can be walked over. That's the trouble with ultimatums, you have to be prepared to go through with them.

The bust-up you had seems pretty serious though, why did it go like that?

deepwatersolo · 02/01/2019 18:48

If it really played out like this: big row, thrown out, has to sleep at daddy‘s, plots for a cruel revenge to hurt you, ‚ah, I don‘t need her, I can have big fun with other women, who needs her right?‘, opens up sex dating site, browses for ten minutes, then goes ‚nah!‘, closes the computer and goes to sleep....

Forget about it, really. It is actually quite funny, thinking of it.

SandyY2K · 02/01/2019 18:53

You should forgive if you want to.

I mean that sincerely.

fuddle · 02/01/2019 18:57

Why if you were arguing over something petty did you chuck him out and say its over. I'd be very pissed off if I was him. Very damaging

TotesEmoshTerri · 02/01/2019 19:00

I looked at his history when i was using his phone to look up something online.

Did you have a reason to do that? Or were you snooping out of curiosity which is even worse than what he did?

Original poster
Loopeylou92 · 02/01/2019 19:00

Thankyou for all the positive comments. I will try and forgive as i love him dearly.

Deepwatersolo i do think thats exactly what happened. He says just a moment of madness he would never actually do anything or speak to anyone.

OP posts:
YellowStickRoad · 02/01/2019 19:01

The online hook up sites are addictive. I know of a guy who uses them and he's been going on and off then for years, always looking for a new experience I suppose.

I wouldn't want him back, if I knew a man used those sites I wouldn't be with him as I reckon he will go back on again but cover his tracks better. Does he have a kik account or anything else where he may have been chatting to women?

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/01/2019 19:01

I would find it hard to forgive my husband....

I would find it hard to forgive my wife if she kicked me out our home and told me we were finished.

The 10 mins half-arsed browsing on a hook-up site is a major red herring. There is something more fundamentally wrong in this relationship and the truth of that is in the whys and hows of her kicking him out the house.

potatoscone · 02/01/2019 19:02

would find it hard to forgive my wife if she kicked me out our home and told me we were finished.

In the OP she didn't tell him they were finished. She kicked him out for the night. Rightly or wrongly, it's not the same as telling him it's over

AnyFucker · 02/01/2019 19:03

Op, I don't get why you are asking

You had already made your mind up

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/01/2019 19:19

In the OP she didn't tell him they were finished. She kicked him out for the night. Rightly or wrongly, it's not the same as telling him it's over

She added the "we're finished" detail in a subsequent post. You obviously know that given the way you worded your post so I've no idea what your logic is.
Maybe in your world kicking your partner out for the night is no big deal. In my world it's a clear sign that something is seriously fucked up.

ConcreteUnderpants · 02/01/2019 19:22

If it really played out like this: big row, thrown out, has to sleep at daddy‘s, plots for a cruel revenge to hurt you, ‚ah, I don‘t need her, I can have big fun with other women, who needs her right?‘, opens up sex dating site, browses for ten minutes, then goes ‚nah!‘, closes the computer and goes to sleep.

Agree with deepwatersolo.
What is more concerning is the argument that led to you throwing him out, and then you (both) thinking it's ok to be looking at his phone.

potatoscone · 02/01/2019 19:23

She added the "we're finished" detail in a subsequent post. You obviously know that given the way you worded your post so I've no idea what your logic is.

My point was the OP changed the situation because she wasn't getting the replies she wanted. Really common. I also explained that previously.

glitterypink · 02/01/2019 19:27

He should have been using those '10 minutes' trying to talk and save his relationship Xmas Grin
Personally, I'd be fuming.

whatsthepointthen · 02/01/2019 19:27

What that says to me is that because posters haven't agreed that it was ok for him to look for a casual fuck, you are changing the story to make it look like he wasn't that bad. Well he was. Dirty, sleazy, lying, cheat of a man. What do you see in him?

This

SummerStrong · 02/01/2019 19:28

I wouldn't class that as cheating, I think it was just a rebellious 'fuck you' as a reaction to being thrown out.

However, it would concern me that this was his first instinct as it wouldn't occur to a lot of people but was the first thing he chose to do, showing what kind of a person he is.

So.....no not cheating

But...keep an eye on him, you have reason for concern

Lemoneeza · 02/01/2019 19:30

Good luck, you'll need it. Try not to drive yourself mad snooping on his phone whenever you get the chance.

greendale17 · 02/01/2019 19:32

You had a row, kicked him out and told him it was over

^This. He has done nothing wrong and it is certainly not cheating.

ConcreteUnderpants · 02/01/2019 19:33

The amount of posters who are advising the OP to end her relationship over 10 minutes of web browsing is quite staggering and worrying.

Aside from 10 mins not being enough to set up a profile and meeting with someone, wouldn't have been better to ask more questions instead of immediately advising the OP to turn her life (and possibly her children's) upside down.

Is this a normal happy relationship?
Children involved?
Normally trustworthy?
Do you usually look through his phone?
Why the original fight?
Etc

YellowStickRoad · 02/01/2019 19:49

But it depends whether he has used the site before? Just because it was 9nly 10 minutes OP knows of, he may have an existing profile, have deleted his history or accessed it in secret mode etc.

Original poster
Loopeylou92 · 02/01/2019 20:28

You mumsnetters are a bunch of fucking head cases 😂😂😂 next time i wont even bother. All just presumimg stuff without even knowing anything. Definetly the last time i ever post on here. Bet you all have perfect relationships dont you 😂😂

OP posts:
potatoscone · 02/01/2019 20:45

You mumsnetters are a bunch of fucking head cases 😂😂😂 next time i wont even bother. All just presumimg stuff without even knowing anything.

Aww bless you OP. You have just confirmed what I suspected above. You didn't get the replies you wanted Grin

You do know that people reply based on what you tell them?

Bet you all have perfect relationships dont you

Well no, but......

We had an argument the other day over something petty but it turned into a big row and i ended up kicking him out for the night so he went to his dads

^this doesn't happen in my relationship.

definiteythe last time i ever post on here.

K. Bye.

Original poster
Loopeylou92 · 02/01/2019 20:58

My point proven 😂 bet you're all the type of mums that stand in a group together by the school gates bitching and judging everyone. Literally every post i have ever gone on theres always bitchy rude judgmental comments.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/01/2019 21:00

You fit right in then.

BrightStarrySky · 02/01/2019 21:03

I would let it go if you trust him otherwise.