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Original poster

The only red flag - he said he's in love

32 replies

mansneverhot · 02/01/2019 16:25

I've been seeing someone for 4 weeks. He's lovely. I've had a shit time in past relationships so I've been keeping my eyes wide open for bad signs but honestly haven't identified a single one. He is constantly surprising me with his kindness and intelligence and wit which I can appreciate may be more of a reflection on how I've been treated in the past than actually making him some kind of saint. Nonetheless, we have a lot in common in terms of interests and values, and we have a good time together.

We've been seeing each other 3-4 times a week. A mix of proper dates & popping round to each other's places after work etc. Which brings me to my one and only concern. We DTD and while we were basking in the afterglow he looked me in the eyes and said he was in love with me. I didn't reply but I was happy.

Is this ok? Is it the Big Red Flag that says he might be a serial killer and I should have seen my inevitable murder coming my way? It's been so long since I've been in a new relationship that I don't know how all these things should feel. I can't help but wonder whether he is bad at distinguishing love from lust, whether he's too impulsive, or whether I'm trying to sabotage everything by looking for a big issue in something that isn't.

OP posts:
FrogsLegs33 · 02/01/2019 16:31

Don’t sweat it Flowers

He might 100% feel like he is in love with you already.
He might be on his way to being in love and the intense emotion made him say it.
He might have just been using emotion brain to speak without thinking.
He might have been confusing lust with love.

Just wait and see what he does next.

I told my now DH after three weeks that I felt incredibly calm and certain that I loved him and I wasn’t scared of him not reciprocating yet.

He took another seven months to say it back but it was clear in his actions Biscuit

Just wait and see.

Original poster
mansneverhot · 02/01/2019 16:43

Thank you @FrogsLegs33. It is very reassuring that you are now married and, I assume, not a serial killer Grin. My friends were alarmed, but we are a very man-sceptic bunch.

OP posts:
NerdyBird · 02/01/2019 16:47

My husband said it after about 5 weeks, and we'd spent at least two of those weeks apart over christmas. We have been together 7 years now. It's not always a red flag but wouldn't hurt to take it with a pinch of salt right now, just in case he just got carried away.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 02/01/2019 16:53

Only on MN is this a red flag. Yes he might be rushing things and you can't really be in love after a few weeks but take it for what it is and enjoy it. Maybe soon you'll feel the same?

Mitzimaybe · 02/01/2019 16:57

My now-DH used the L word very early on and way before I was ready for it. I said "You can't be in love with me, you hardly know me." We will have been together 10 years this coming summer. It's definitely possible that he is genuine.

The other possibility is that he's love-bombing you. Too early to tell. Take it at your own speed, don't get rushed into anything you're not ready for, and see how it goes. If he really does love you, he will understand if you want to take things slowly to start with.

mindutopia · 02/01/2019 17:03

I think this is not at all uncommon for men in the afterglow of sex and I wouldn’t overthink it. I used to have a FWB who would shout ‘I love you!!’ at the moment of climax. It was confusing frankly, but he most certainly did not love me. In your case, it may be a genuine feeling that just bubbles out when he was feeling relaxed and his guard was down. All else being good, I wouldn’t think about it too much right now.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/01/2019 17:07

If it’s the only red flag then I’d not sweat it.. it’s healthy that you’re not being blind about possible problems/red flags. My dh told me after about 4 weeks and I’m fairly sure he’s not an axe murderer

MumsyJ · 02/01/2019 17:09

It's such a shame due to past experiences we tend to forget that there are and can be genuine loving people ( men or women) out there.
Don't overthink it, just go with the flow and enjoy his kindness and all the positive attributes of him albeit safeguarding your feelings, if the teeny weeny side of you is in doubt.
He could be genuinely in love with you, some people know it with the right person. Enjoy it and don't let the "red flag" overshadow the real deal. I'm hoping all will be good for both of you Smile.

Oldstyle · 02/01/2019 17:12

I fell in love at first sight. The whole adolescent palpitations / tediously droning on about him / writing his name in my diary. I was 37! Went on loving him for two years despite only seeing him occasionally and scarcely exchanging more than a sentence (he was in a relationship at the time). Then that relationship ended and we got together. Turned out to be the love of my life.
So bugger the red-flags nonsense. As long as you feel ok about it, it's ok.

Original poster
mansneverhot · 02/01/2019 17:17

Phew. Thanks all. I certainly am not taking it seriously, it's just been playing on my mind since it happened... my friend put the fear in me as she knows I have historically had a terrible taste in men.

OP posts:
mogratpineapple · 02/01/2019 17:20

As this is the only thing so far, leave it. What does 'love' mean anyway? He may have said how he felt at the time and you can't knock him for wearing his heart on his sleeve.

whatsthepointthen · 03/01/2019 00:05

I told my ex I loved him after 2 weeks! It was straight after sex aswell and I didnt actually mean it so could be the same kind of thing?

TheStoic · 03/01/2019 05:49

Post-coital ‘I love yous’ aren’t the same as regular ‘I love yous’. :-)

MitziK · 03/01/2019 06:03

Well, I fucked up today because we were talking about a particular event when we'd been dating a couple of months and he said he had known at that point he loved me - and my reply was, no you didn't, you didn't say it until ___. Seems like he did, but just didn't admit it at the time going by the huffy way he reacted. Bugger .

He might love you - but that doesn't mean you have to reciprocate if you're not 100% comfortable with it. I knew it felt 'different' with him, but we fannied about were still being non committal for months afterwards.

If he's genuine, he won't mind taking it slowly because you want things to be Just Right. And if he gets weird and creepy over it, trying to convince you to move in together/have babies/etc and constantly forcing the issue, you'll know it's time to run.

BillywilliamV · 03/01/2019 06:22

I was a bit uncomfortable when DH said he loved me after less than a month, that was 20 years ago and he's still here so I guess he meant it.

Monty27 · 03/01/2019 06:30

It's the only red flag?
Been there done that, run before he hurts you.
Just saying.
Perhaps he's genuine and if so good luck Flowers
grumpy hurt before miserable git me
Grin

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/01/2019 06:30

DH told me he wouldn’t be saying I love you until he actually meant it. Like 3 weeks later, he said it. I said it back because I really did love him. It’s always felt perfectly right with him.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 03/01/2019 06:51

Ha ha ha I came on here to add a thread saying pretty much the same thing.
Well to ask of people's experience of falling in love etc.
I'm in a v similar boat. No pressure, he respects my space. No grand gestures or promises he simply looks at me when we are chilling and says I love you. Or we will chat about our days in the evening and he says I love you , I cant wait to see you again.
Its all so easy with him. He seems so open and honest and normal about his feelings but I also have not so great taste in men (although I have worked so hard on myself, raising my bar, setting healthy expectations and my boundaries over the last year so perhaps I should just trust how I know I'm feeling along with how he says he feels).
We're in our 40s ffs and I felt like this kind of thing was never going to happen for me, so I'm finding it all a bit really?????
Probably not explaining myself well and sorry to hijack your post OP.

category12 · 03/01/2019 07:38

In the throes of shagging or afterwards, don't give it too much weight.

Azzizam · 03/01/2019 08:18

A spontaneous I love You is a beautiful thing surely? If he said "I want to move in" then yes run for your life.

Original poster
mansneverhot · 03/01/2019 11:41

I’m naturally riddled with anxieties and my last ex was a real piece of shit so this is reassuring. It was probably just a mix of endorphins and feeling relaxed, which is nice. I feel a lot for him but won’t be saying anything that soppy until I literally can’t hold the words in.

OP posts:
Fromablokespoint · 03/01/2019 13:16

Never discount the fact that he may actually be in love with you :)

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 03/01/2019 13:38

My husband told me he loved me after about a week!
I told him he couldn't possibly know that soon and he got really upset and said I didn't know how he felt.
Anyway we have been together for 16 years now so I guess he knew what he was saying Grin

Original poster
mansneverhot · 09/01/2019 16:08

Update: he said it again. I said it back. Eeeeeeeeeeeeek. Boosted by all your success stories. Fingers crossed for the best.

OP posts:
MsHopey · 09/01/2019 16:33

Congrats.
My DH said it after 3 weeks! We were young and I didn't say it back, it was a bit awkward. It's 9 years later!