"Dates" vs "dating" vs "seeing" vs "casual"...?!

[tryingtomoveon10]

So this is a follow-on from a post I wrote a few days ago about being dropped by a guy I'd had a few dates with that I thought were going well (he insists they were and "it's me, not you", but hey 🤷🏻‍♂️).

I'm new to the whole dating scene after 13 years with my ex (an abusive relationship I ended) and, let me tell you, I am finding it very confusing! What on earth is "dating" in 2019?

There's dating, going on dates, seeing someone, having a relationship, being exclusive but not in a relationship, casual, one-nighters, regular sex but not seeing or in a relationship or exclusive...

My question to you, MN, is - WTF do these mean?! Let's say the scenario is: first match with someone on Tinder. What happens then, from first contact to... well, whatever the next stages are?

T x

Don't really have much to add, but I do sympathise. I've got to traverse this minefield now that I am Mr Singleton and frankly I don't think I've got the enthusiasm to tackle it. I never did any of those things. I would meet someONE go out on a date. Get to know them, then if it didn't work out start the search again. These days (or maybe i've just been nieve) there's just so much terminology. So many different ways of approaching it. So many different expectations.

I guess all you can do is be clear about what you're looking for and hope the person showing an interest is on the same page. Never mind the concerns of them being weird, dangerous, married and lords know what else. I say, good luck!

I'm exactly the same, @maximumcarnage - one at a time. Maybe it's just because I can't keep up otherwise 🤪

You forgot talking with either exclusively or not depends on how long you have been "talking with"

😂 we need to write a book on this

Someone must have done a PhD on this?!

Well if someone writes a book on it I will happily buy it!

Join our OLD support thread in relationships :)

Most people doing OLD multi date. Some don't. You have to assume whoever you date probably is multi dating.

Because you don't know them from Adam till you meet them, what tends to happen is that you see them for some dates before exclusivity is mentioned. The number of dates before this happens is not defined :). Could be quick, could take weeks, months.

@maximumcarnage do you think there's a difference between how men and women view it? Sorry, I don't know which gender your potential partners fall into! But wondered if you thought there were any differences!

Good grief, multi dating? Exclusivity!? Ya know there's a lot to be said for just staying at home with a good book and a bottle of wine. I could definitely multi date bottles of wine and offer up exclusivity in a very large glass.

Well I am definitely a bloke! And I have no idea. My father believed in multi dating....despite being married...

This is why communication is so important - all of these terms mean different things to different people and there’s no point second guessing or assuming that you’re both on the same page.

WRT your Tinder example: I see the first meeting as just that - “meeting up”. I don’t call the first meet a date. It’s just a casual opportunity over a drink or coffee to see if text transfers to real life. After that any second meeting is usually a date; subsequent meetings might also be dates; after a few of these it’s best you have the “what are we doing?” conversation to clarify if you are dating; dating exclusively; or doing something more “casual” and if so, what does “casual mean”.

It’s really not that hard At least, not once you change your mindset from one of trying to make assumptions and just start actively asking for what you need to know and expressing what you need yourself.

"It's so lovely to meet you, Mr Potential Partner. Before we order food, would you mind filling in this brief questionnaire on your expectations in the short, medium and long term vis à vis our encounters?"

I feel this would solve the issue entirely 😁

The modern world of dating is a mine field isn't it? .... especially if you've met online.. there's the 1st hurdle after a few dates should you still go online & read messages from others or send to others.. what if guy you're dating is online at the same time will he be bothered & should you be bothered if he's online??.. then there's the 1st conversation of many to ask if he's deleting his dating profile & does he want you to do the same but where does this leave you??.. are you dating, seeing one another, exclusive or casual, in a relationship?? Not like the good old days when you met in the real world swapped numbers communicated by phone call & not text message.. WhatsApp is even worse where you can see if your message has been read & how long it's been ignored for ... it's anxiety inducing 🤣🤣

I watched a documentary about OLD amongst 20-somethings last month. They were all very hip, super cool, excessively anxious and insecure. One of them referred to being in a “situationship”. Apparently, this is when two people go out with each other (and nobody else) regularly, have sex. However, one or both of them isn’t committed enough to progress to an actual relationship.

So they like each other enough to only go out with each other, but not enough to openly be bf/gf.

The mind boggles

Oh god it’s awful. And I told myself i wouldn’t get myself into an uncertain situation. I’ve been seeing someone for about 3 months but only met a handful of times due to the distance between us. I’ve been ‘seeing other people’ as we’ve not had the exclusivity conversation. But now I’ve met someone who I expect will want that conversation soon. But of course I prefer man A. I’m late 40s. Why am I being so pathetic?!

@7salmonswimming that confuses me so much... I don't even know what to say 😂

The OLD profiles are a PhD thesis in themselves. Do you just not open them? Delete just the app but leave the account? Delete the account and the app? Keep it and read messages but not respond? Respond but not suggestively? Respond as though nothing has changed but wonder if the other person is doing the same but don't actually address it because you don't want to look like you're suggesting it and coming on too strong because you don't want to look desperate because that's the mistake you made with Mike and you swore to yourself you wouldn't do it again but Mike was a bellend anyway so can you really use the situation with Mike as a fair comparison?!?!

grabs paper bag, Xanax and gin

weird, dangerous, married

That's the title of the dating book sorted!

OP did the guy you when out with take down his online profile(s)? Or tell you he was going to do this?

Until someone does then they aren't serious about you. Though often it is a mutual decision to do this at the same time.

If past experience and these forums are anything to go by I think I’ll stick to my bottle of wine thanks. Or as is presently the case a hot mug of earl grey. For all you lot doing OLD? Rather you than me!

@7salmonswimming is because they think there is someone better than who they are currently dating/in a relationship with out there.

Problem with OLD is that you see loads of possibilities especially if you are in a city or geographical area with lots of cities/towns in a short distance.

"Situationship" ...... how depressing that this is a thing!! 😞

I'm female and I think communication is key and don't make assumptions without asking.

I multi date and have had an FWB whilst multi dating too. I'm currently seeing someone exclusively, but clearly he assumed we were exclusive even though he never asked. I've been seeing him about two months, I don't think that's very long and wouldn't assume exclusivity but clearly he did. As we've decided to be exclusive I've stopped seeing my fwb.

I can see it can get confusing but it doesn't need to be if you ask the person you're dating. I ask whether they are looking for a relationship or casual/FWB.

Online dating is an absolute minefield.... I'm in the mysterious world of OLD after a relationship of 7.5yrs ended around 18m ago.

I have made plenty of mistakes, met a few wankers but I have also met some amazing people too. And a lifelong friend.

The bottom line is that getting to know someone should be fun, not anxiety riddled and stressful. Especially in the early stages.

There are so many terms these days - I think it's just important to ask straight up what it is that they are looking for. My go to is - I'm not looking for a ONS or a marriage proposal but to see how things go and take it from there.

I always find that box where you have to. Say what your intention is very difficult to complete as I'm not even sure what I want until I've had time to get to know someone!

There are LOADS of great blogs online about OLD. As well as some amazing YouTube channels..... (I've watched Loads).

I agree though, it never used to be this difficult. I thought it was my age (35) but I actually think it's a complete social shift..... The nature of swipe right swipe left means you're only ever one step away from someone new. The problem is no one takes the time to get to know anyone properly or you might be passing up someone who is perfectly right for you.

I had this conversation with my children (in their 20s.)

Me: Nephew's girlfriend seems nice.
Them: She's not his girlfriend.
Me: What? But she told me she'd been seeing him for three months.
Them: But that doesn't make her his girlfriend.
Me: But they're sleeping together. (She was spending the night with him that night.)
Them: What difference does that make?
Me: So she's been seeing him for three months, sleeping with him... why is she not his girlfriend?
Them: Because they haven't had "the talk."
Me: So he could be seeing other girls?
Them: He is seeing other girls.
Me: What if she doesn't realise there's a talk to be had? What if she thinks she's his girlfriend?
Them:

Wouldn't it be easier (and more honest) to have the talk which says, "I'm going to see others until I tell you otherwise"?

My mind has officially been blown. Skull fragments are officially raining down like confetti. What. The. bleeeeeep.