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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like the worst person in the world

40 replies

Hannahban · 02/01/2019 10:26

Hello.
I’m not looking for validation or anyone to give me a hand hold. I know what a twat but I feel like the worst person in the world and I don’t know what to do.

Me and my friend are really close, our little girls go to school together and are best friends and we also work together.
After the works night out 2 weeks ago we all went back to hers. And before anyone says I’m looking for an excuse to why it happened I’m not but I was REALLY REALLY drunk. My meds have been upped at the doctors for anxiety/depression and I’d had nothing to eat so I don’t know if this was a factor into why I was so drunk.
Everyone left or went to bed and I was left with her husband. I vaguely remember a drunken fumble/touch and a kiss. Apart from that everything is blackout.

The next morning everything was fine. I was left with him for a short while and nothing was mentioned.
I just feel like the worst person in the world and I don’t know what to do. I can’t look at her because I feel so guilty with what I’ve done. If I tell her I think it would be so selfish reasons and to clear my own conscience because I really don’t want to split up a family. I can’t eat and I’m not sleeping because of this guilt. I know it’s exactly what I deserve but I don’t know how to make it better for her and feel like such a failure of a friend.

I’ve vowed to never drink again (which I won’t) as that is obviously not me. I wouldn’t want to ever lose her friendship and I most definetly wouldn’t want to split up her family. I guess I’m just looking for somewhere to vent. I’m 42 and have never done anything like this before and I feel so shameful.

OP posts:
Jaffacakebeast · 02/01/2019 10:33

Was her husband as drunk as you? I don’t know what you should do, but if my husband had a “thing” with my close friend I’d want to know

Feb2018mumma · 02/01/2019 10:35

You are definitely in the wrong but if he wasn't on the works night out and was sober at home then he is really really bad!

Original poster
Hannahban · 02/01/2019 10:37

He had been out aswell as he works in a different department.
I don’t know if he was as intoxicated as I was but he had had a drink.

OP posts:
theyoungmamabear · 02/01/2019 10:43

Your friend deserves to know.

Was it an isolated incident or has there always been an underlying 'thing' between you guys?

Original poster
Hannahban · 02/01/2019 10:48

Never ever been a thing between us. I’ve never looked at him in that way, infact I still don’t.
I’m sobbing as I write this. I know I’m going to cause so much heartbreak and it’s all my fault.

OP posts:
homebirds · 02/01/2019 10:51

I honestly don't think anything is to be gained by telling her. Keep quiet and don't do it again!

Cuntcuntcunt · 02/01/2019 10:52

Why were you drinking on meds and why hadn't you eaten?

You need to take better steps for self care.

ErickBroch · 02/01/2019 11:06

I wouldn't tell her in this instance as I think it would cause a lot of pain to innocent parties. Just my personal opinion, although I completely get that she would probably want to know?

hellsbellsmelons · 02/01/2019 11:10

Well it's not ALL your fault.
It takes 2.
Honestly!?
I'd not say anything.
It happened.
Nothing you can do about it now.
Put it behind you and move forward now.

Notcoolmum · 02/01/2019 11:14

I wouldn’t tell her. I’d use the guilt and remorse you are feeling to do something positive - work on your drinking, self esteem etc. This was a terrible mistake and no good will come from telling her. I think your relationship with her is bound to change though.

Sending hugs. That drunken ‘what the fuck have I done’ feeling is awful. Stay away from him and try and forget it happened.

Littletabbyocelot · 02/01/2019 11:21

My friend did this, although in her case it was a drunken pass at my husband which was turned down. The next day she announced she was giving up alcohol as she had no memory of the night before. DH didn't mention it (not impressed) but I found out from a mutual friend when our friendship ended for other reasons and I was unsure whether to fix it.

So, if you're not going to tell her, do do whatever it takes to not be in that position again. Giving up alcohol, at least when you might be around her husband, seems like a good start.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 02/01/2019 11:22

Keep quiet and never mention it again. Nothing to be gained by telling your friend. And don't do it ever again!

Original poster
Hannahban · 02/01/2019 11:27

I feel like I’m lying to her if I don’t tell her though? And what happens if it does get out then I will look even worse.
I have spoken to my sister about it and she seems to think the same not to tell her and learn from this.
All I’m doing is torturing myself to the point where I’m not sleeping or eating. I feel that bad of a person. I don’t know whether to mention something to him but again I feel like il be going behind her back even more.

Sorry I know I’m being so dramatic I just feel like a cruel horrible person.

OP posts:
Abbey · 02/01/2019 11:28

I agree that you shouldn't tell her. You are full of remorse and won't do it again. We all make mistakes when we are drunk. Try and move on and I hope you feel better soon

Abbey · 02/01/2019 11:31

He's not going to tell her, so it won't get out. Just act like nothing happened and you will stop torturing yourself in time.

GreenTulips · 02/01/2019 11:32

I also think you need to forget about it. There’s nothing to gain by telling her, you will cause her pain and upset.

He was also responsible and he’s in a relationship not you. In fact if it wasn’t you it would’ve been someone else

Whisky2014 · 02/01/2019 11:42

Do not tell her!

Notcoolmum · 02/01/2019 11:43

As long as you take steps not to do this again don’t tell her. And don’t skeak to him about it. Put it behind you and move on. I don’t think your friendship can be the same though.

TheFifthKey · 02/01/2019 11:45

Given that you don’t fancy him, don’t secretly want it to happen again and don’t seem to have particularly enjoyed it (ie it’s not the manifestation of a long-smouldering attraction), I’d keep quiet. After all, you could have forgotten all about it anyway I’d you were that drunk. Just act like you can’t remember anything.

Drogosnextwife · 02/01/2019 11:51

Well if I was in her position I wpuld want to know. Of course there's nothing to be gained from telling her bit I do feel she deserves to know, I'm th8nking of that from my perspective though.
If I was in your position, I wouldnt tell her, like you said it will ruin your friendship, their relationship, and your dd's friendship.
You are clearly punishing yourself, pit it behind you and leave it theor and remember it's not just your fault so stop blaming yourself so much.

Cosmicunicorn321 · 02/01/2019 11:55

You were drunk and weren't thinking.
Nothing will ever be gained by telling her. Don't do it.
Her husband may have took advantage of you being drunk or he may be feeling the same as you.
Have you thought about talking to her husband about it and get some explanation? I doubt he will tell her.

You made a mistake. Learn and move on. No good will come from worrying about it endlessly. You didn't have an affair. It was a drunken mistake. You are not a bad person

Original poster
Hannahban · 02/01/2019 12:07

thankyou so much for the replies. I genuinely thought I was going to get torn to shreds, which is nothing more than I deserve.

I am definitely not going to be drinking alcohol of any kind ever again. It turns me into a person I don’t even recognise.

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 02/01/2019 12:17

Well every cloud 'n all that. Could have been so much worse. Could have ridden like a proverbial cowboy. I would imagine you both were drunk and though no excuse we do have a habit of doing pretty silly things when we've had too much. Lords know I have. It is also clear that you don't seem to be hoping for some kind of hook up and don't have any interest in him. Also what's clear is you have a lot of guilt and it's clearly upset you. Not exactly the attitude of a wanton vixen.

Under all these circumstances I would probably be less inclined to spill the beans. But it largely depends on you and your friend. By that I mean can you live with the guilt and learn to move past it? And is your friend the sort that would appreciate knowing the truth? You'll notice that a lot of posters here will fall into the I would prefer not to know or I would prefer to know camp.

Least in future you know how to avoid something like this happening again. But I don't think you should feel so bad that you want to throw yourself on a sword or become a nun at an abbey.

Infinity11 · 02/01/2019 12:30

You shouldn't be drinking on antidepressants

dontgobaconmyheart · 02/01/2019 12:41

Sorry OP but do you not think she deserves to know that she is with a husband who has cheated on her? It's not 'all your fault - he was a full participant. In this instance obviously the most convenient (advantageous to you) thing to do is not tell anyone but that doesn't make it right, or honest. Its also true she'll be surface happier without the news but again, i would want more for my friend (or anyone) than that. Besides OP, he might crack and tell her at some point and then you really will look like the guilty party. Its a shit situation but it happened and burying it won't change it, nor will going to extremes of guilt. All you'll do is compromise your own health. If you feel this bad how will you carry on the friendship anyway, go round for tea and chat as normal etc? I can't see it being an easy burden. Unfortunately all things have consequences Flowers

If you were my friend I'd worry about why you chose to drink when on meds in the first place, and I'd worry about this situation causing a mental health relapse. Yes you made a mistake but punishing yourself not eating or sleeping isn't going to help you, or the situation. Please look after yourself and don't deny yourself self care because you think you don't deserve it.