I feel like the worst person in the world

[Hannahban]

Hello.
I’m not looking for validation or anyone to give me a hand hold. I know what a twat but I feel like the worst person in the world and I don’t know what to do.

Me and my friend are really close, our little girls go to school together and are best friends and we also work together.
After the works night out 2 weeks ago we all went back to hers. And before anyone says I’m looking for an excuse to why it happened I’m not but I was REALLY REALLY drunk. My meds have been upped at the doctors for anxiety/depression and I’d had nothing to eat so I don’t know if this was a factor into why I was so drunk.
Everyone left or went to bed and I was left with her husband. I vaguely remember a drunken fumble/touch and a kiss. Apart from that everything is blackout.

The next morning everything was fine. I was left with him for a short while and nothing was mentioned.
I just feel like the worst person in the world and I don’t know what to do. I can’t look at her because I feel so guilty with what I’ve done. If I tell her I think it would be so selfish reasons and to clear my own conscience because I really don’t want to split up a family. I can’t eat and I’m not sleeping because of this guilt. I know it’s exactly what I deserve but I don’t know how to make it better for her and feel like such a failure of a friend.

I’ve vowed to never drink again (which I won’t) as that is obviously not me. I wouldn’t want to ever lose her friendship and I most definetly wouldn’t want to split up her family. I guess I’m just looking for somewhere to vent. I’m 42 and have never done anything like this before and I feel so shameful.

Honestly I really want to tell her. I have had the conversation in my head a million times: but I know that I will be the one breaking up her family and how do I know she will believe me? I can’t actually remember what happened and how it did. I just feel so shit.

As I’ve said I’m not after pity or a handhold because I don’t deserve it at all. But this is something so out of character for me. And the thought of having my name like shit is honestly terrifying me especially as our children go to the same school. And I know I shouldn’t be thinking of myself because of what I’ve done. I just wish I had never went out.

Op I've been so rat arsed before I've done things I wouldn't even dream of sober. I don't think you're a bad person.

However, If I was your friend I'd want to know. And part of me thinks if you don't tell her it's just going to eat you up inside. Do what you think is best.

Honestly I really want to tell her
WHY? What will you or she, gain from that?
Nothing.
You may feel a bit better as you've 'got it off your chest' but your poor friend.
Please don't do that to her.
Don't transfer your misery onto her.
You will lose a good friend for a drunken fumble!?
Really not worth it.
Please move on from this.
Nothing good can come from telling her.

Absolutely tell her, she deserves the truth.

Imagine what a mug she'll feel when it comes out.

I've been pissed before and have never had a drunken fumble or kiss with my friends husbands!

And neither have I before this. Hence why I feel absolutely dreadful and so guilty.

Do not tell her. You'd just be doing it to unburden yourself.

Telling her would be to clear your conscience. You don’t deserve that luxury at her expense.

Keep quiet, keep away from her home and don’t drink to that point again.

Look after yourself; you do deserve that.

The guilt that you'll feel from not telling her is your cross to bear; in a way it's your punishment for your actions, and would hopefully mean that you'll never allow yourself to get into this position again.

Most of the reason you want to tell her is because you feel bad. That's not a good enough reason, imo.

Don’t tell her. It might not even have happened. When I drink I often have weird dreams about the evening. It could just be in your head. There is nothing to be gained from telling her. Just make sure you are kinder to yourself in future.

Why the hell do you really want to tell her?! Do you actually want to split up her family? You got drunk and did a bad thing and are now consumed with guilt. You only want to tell her in the vain hope that unburdening yourself will make you feel better. It won’t, and will destroy several lives.

Just get a grip, own your mistake and never mention it again. If her DH ever mentions it just look at him blankly as if you haven’t a clue what he’s talking about. And don’t put yourself in this ridiculous position again.

Don't tell her! Her husband may be as remorseful as you. What will it do? Destroy your friendship, destroy her marriage, and for what? A drunken kiss that you bitterly regret and maybe he does too. There are instances when coming clean is the best option. This isn't one of them. Learn from it and make sure nothing like it ever happens again.

I'd say not tell her but if I was in her position I'd want to know and let's be honest her husband could be doing this type of thing with other women.

"I vaguely remember a drunken fumble/touch and a kiss. Apart from that everything is blackout. The next morning everything was fine. I was left with him for a short while and nothing was mentioned. "

Are you sure it definitely happened? I haven't been that drunk in a very long time, but I do have quite vivid dreams sometimes, particularly if I've had a few drinks. I would just have expected there to be some awkwardness/nervousness between the two of you the next morning and for you both to avoid being left alone together if it was something that hadn't happened before, and neither of you have previous for this kind of thing.

Are you 100% definitely sure that this isn't a false memory from drinking too much/mixing with meds?

I know when I've got blackout drunk in the past, the next day I've had flashes of awful shameful things that I KNOW didn't happen iyswim.

Xpost