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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's happened?!?!?

35 replies

2019me · 02/01/2019 07:53

I'm so perplexed and need advice (or maybe a slap/reality check).

Over the last month or so of last year got very close to a friend that had previously been platonic. Nothing physical but it got very intense - he'd contact me almost every day, he initiated frequent catch ups, he said he loved me (and acted like that was true), he said all sorts of other things about my value to him. It was all very intense, and then we both went on holiday, making vague plans to see each other when we got back. Still heard from him fairly frequently, nice messages etc, including one last Saturday night quite late at night that I didn't respond to as I was already asleep. I've no idea why he messaged then or what he was doing.

I replied the next day when I got the message upon waking, and he left me on read - read it but didn't respond. I sent a follow up asking if everything was OK (it wasn't like him not to reply) which he replied to but didn't really engage in proper conversation then left the conversation. I then gave him the benefit of the doubt so messaged a long Happy New Year message, which wasn't even opened for over 24 hours then a short "happy new year" response without engaging in any chat, and then my reply to his message was ignored.

I feel like I'm watching something slip away but have no idea what. I'm just bewildered. WTF has happened? He's been online a lot but i can't message him anymore without feeling like a stalker Sad

Has anyone been in this position before?

OP posts:
peanut2017 · 02/01/2019 08:06

Step away if you can from someone like this - an ex of mine was like that at the beginning. Very intense, loads of contact and very full on.

I was initially very cool about the whole thing but then as soon as I started to reciprocate he pulled back.

It's someone playing mind games and has probably a few people on the go at the same time. Will dangle a carrot every now and then to keep you interested and then treat you like shit.

Don't go any further as it will mess with your head

category12 · 02/01/2019 08:10

Met someone new while on holiday?

LadyGAgain · 02/01/2019 08:20

Why don't people speak anymore? Everything is done on what's app/text. Context and tone is lost/misconstrued. It's weird!

Original poster
2019me · 02/01/2019 08:21

I'm just so perplexed. I sent that New Year message expecting a nice one back.

I hope I'm not over-reacting. I just feel like a blanket has been pulled out from underneath me for something so minor.

The worst thing is if I ever said anything or sent a petty response next time he messaged I'd just look like a loon

OP posts:
Cuttingthegrass · 02/01/2019 08:27

Sounds like he may have met someone OP. Also sounds like he was using you as a prop/ shoulder. I ask gently if you had wanted the friendship to develop into a relationship?

Original poster
2019me · 02/01/2019 08:34

Sigh. I've suspected I'm a prop before. I guess I hoped this time would be different.

OP posts:
Wrybread · 02/01/2019 08:35

It might be that he's met someone else or it might be that he likes doing the push-pull dynamic (he's intense until you're interested, then pulls away, and when you pull away he's interested again).

Either way, he's not that into you, sorry Thanks

Original poster
2019me · 02/01/2019 08:50

I'm sad and angry but need to step away and move on.

Thing is: I know he'll be in touch eventually. Any good ideas about what to say when he is?

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 02/01/2019 08:53

@2019me

If he gets back in touch be friendly in a nice way but don't go out of your way to meet up etc.

2019already · 02/01/2019 08:54

This happened to me, me person met someone else Flowers

sackrifice · 02/01/2019 08:55

Any good ideas about what to say when he is?

'Who is this?'

Bettyboohoo34 · 02/01/2019 09:00

Be careful, I’m currently no contact after a friendship similar to this. It was mainly online and although we met, nothing physical happened - we were both in relationships with other people.

He was very intense to begin with and then would go through periods of being quiet... this constant push and pull affected me badly and my head was all over the place after a year and a half of it. There was always a reason or excuse for his silence and I would be made to feel needy and neurotic.

Historydweeb · 02/01/2019 09:04

Ghosted. Sorry OP

Original poster
2019me · 02/01/2019 09:05

'Who is this?

[Grin]

OP posts:
Cuttingthegrass · 02/01/2019 09:08

When he gets in touch again don't be so quick to respond. Please think carefully if you want to continue to be his reserve

Original poster
2019me · 02/01/2019 09:09

There was always a reason or excuse for his silence and I would be made to feel needy and neurotic.

OMG this!! I already feel needy and neurotic posting at all about someone not responding to a message, which on the surface sounds fine and totally understandable (he could be busy! he could be sick! he could have been hit by a bus! etc) but I know in my bones it's a sharp change in behavior patterns so must mean something.

I wonder if I'd replied to the stupid late night message if it would be different.

I think I'm mostly upset because he said he loved me a month ago

OP posts:
Original poster
2019me · 02/01/2019 09:13

Please think carefully if you want to continue to be his reserve

I should write this down

OP posts:
Bettyboohoo34 · 02/01/2019 09:17

He would get very moody if I didn’t reply straight away - I remember last Christmas i read a message late at night and didn’t reply because I was half asleep, when I came to reply the next morning he’d blocked me! He unblocked me at lunch time and denied ever doing it.

It sounds so rediculous now I write it down and I can’t even explain how it got to that stage.

Im sure there’s a reason he hasn’t messaged but I always knew in my gut that there was something not right with the friendship... maybe you’re sensing that too... if so listen to those nagging doubts .. don’t ignore them like I did.

Bettyboohoo34 · 02/01/2019 09:22

Also, It was like he was punishing me for not replying and showing me that this was how he could make me feel if I didn’t jump to his texts. It was his way of controlling me.
Sounds so flipping silly now.

Original poster
2019me · 02/01/2019 09:38

betty thanks for sharing I do wonder if there are similarities. I do find it odd that things tilted after I didn’t respond to a message

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 02/01/2019 09:41

Some guys dip in and out when they’ve got spare time and feel the need for an ego massage. I think if you want to stay friends / on good terms then it’s important to set a boundary when this happens - so don’t respond speedily when he’s in an intense messaging phase, be friendly but keep a clear distance / space, don’t indulge him with too much contact over trivial chit chat.

Of course that’s if you want to stay friends. Quite often it’s emotionally healthier to back off completely, I find.

Original poster
2019me · 02/01/2019 10:55

I’ve muted him so won’t see messsges right away. Hopefully that helps. I don’t know if I’m ready to block just yet given he’s not technically done anything wrong

OP posts:
Bettyboohoo34 · 02/01/2019 11:22

I used to find muting helped me take back some control. I hope it all turns about to be fine for you. You said you were friends first so I’m guessing you know him reasonably well, whereas I knew little about mine.

Let us know when he gets in touch!

Original poster
2019me · 02/01/2019 11:51

We’ve been close friends about two years and I know him well enough to know he’s got mh issues. Doesn’t make it any easier though.

I know he’ll get in touch eventually it’s just a case of when and how I react I suppose. I hope I’m strong.

Did it work out ok for you betty?

OP posts:
2019already · 02/01/2019 13:05

I’ve been there with someone with MH issues too. I couldn’t manage the emotional turmoil.