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Original poster

is honesty always the best policy for past affair?

46 replies

sandi80 · 02/01/2019 02:30

If someone has had an affair 2 years ago, the affair has ended. the person is remorseful and will not allow it to happen again and there is no chance of the spouse finding out - should the person confess to the historic affair?

One view is that it's best to be honest. Another view is that it is selfish to offload guilt to the spouse if the affair is over

what do you think?

OP posts:
TheStoic · 02/01/2019 03:07

The problem is...if it is kept secret, it is MUCH more likely to happen again.

The only way to have a truly authentic relationship is to get these things out into the open. Otherwise, there will be a permanent wall between you.

So I guess if you want a proper marriage, you need honesty and let the chips fall where they may. If you just want to stay married at any cost, keep your mouth shut.

MrsTerryPratcett · 02/01/2019 03:12

I say this on all these threads. The problem with lying is that the liar got to make decisions based on all the the information while the lied to person is making decisions based on lies. It removes the lied to person's autonomy and consent. You're sleeping with someone who might not be if they knew. And that's really no OK.

If the lied to person, for example, decided not to have an affair themselves, or stay to married, or to share an inheritance, or not use condoms, or anything really, they are making that decision based on lies. It's not fair.

ElizabethMainwaring · 02/01/2019 03:31

I would rather not know.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 02/01/2019 03:41

I’d rather not know too, if you are happy now. If your not end the misery and confess

Mum2boys1girl · 02/01/2019 05:25

Should be honest or the marriage is based on lies and if they truly love and respect the person they cheated on they should tell them and let them decide if they can work on things or not why should the cheat make the choice that's disrespectful and not on

TooManyPuppies · 02/01/2019 05:29

I think the person who has been cheated on deserves the truth in order to make their own decisions.

Keeping it a secret because it "won't happen again" in order to keep a happy ending for the cheater is not moral and they don't deserve it unless the person they cheated on chooses to forgive. It's deceitful, it happened and ignoring it doesn't change it even if everyone involved is "happy now" it's based on lies and an unfair balance in the relationship. Wheres the choice for the person who has been loyal?

I'll never comprehend the support for dishonesty these days....

jessstan2 · 02/01/2019 05:30

No!
What's the point of upsetting someone just to relieve your conscience?
Things like that are unbelievably hurtful. Sometimes we have to keep things to ourself and if we feel guilty, tough. As long as no-one else is going to spill the beans, keep quiet about it. If it's all too much, confide in a counsellor which will hopefully, eventually, lead to you forgiving yourself.

Wouldyouorshouldyou · 02/01/2019 07:53

If you intend on staying say nothing! BUT know if you do it again it will all come out and there will be no going back from it.

You have to be certain that you will not do it again.

NameChangeNugget · 02/01/2019 07:58

I think it depends on the motive of the person who has the information. Doing it out of spite, is never a good idea

SandyY2K · 02/01/2019 08:14

If I was the person cheated on... I'd like the whole truth. Chances are that the disclosure of historic affairs would likely be (for me) the nail in the coffin...if I hadn't already decided to end the marriage/relationship.

The relationship would have to be so worth it for me not to end it.

With full disclosure...the betrayed party is making a decision based on all the relevant information.

If I were the betrayed person and found out about a previous affair later on.... the trust would truly be gone and that would be enough to end it...because I'd be thinking there must be even more incidents of cheating.

LemonTT · 02/01/2019 08:44

We all go through our lives making decisions based on known and unknown facts truths and lies. To think otherwise is simplistic and naive. No one will ever have full disclosure about anything in life. Even our own self knowledge and memories are corrupted and incomplete. There are lies in all relationships, we even lie to ourselves.

So, I am not minded to use the argument that the revelation with allow somebody to make a different decision based on new truths. It will instead present them with pain and dilemmas about decisions they have already made. A very profound decision with far reaching implications, in terms of finances, mental health and aspirations of all involved, including children. Not one easy to unmake.

It’s very easy to say what you would do, like a PP above. But most people don’t want to end their relationship, they love their partner and their life. Or, they can’t unmake the decision for practical reasons. So they usually stay. Only the revelation makes it harder and more painful. It’s the revelation that causes the problems and the fact that it won’t give anybody answers.

This is not about a persistent cheat who has a series of affairs. This is a one off affair which will have been a symptom of something wrong in the relationship. If that is resolved they can move forward with a secret. If it hasn’t been resolved then it needs to be resolved. That doesn’t necessarily require revealing the affair. But it might do. The OP should explore this and then make up his or her mind.

The reality of these revelations is they reopen something that was going wrong for the cheater. The couple stay together and it is painful for all. In my experience it will be the cheater who eventually leaves.

user1479305498 · 02/01/2019 09:08

As someone who found out by chance about an EA/infatuation 10 years after the events, it’s incredibly upsetting , much more so I feel than if I had found out at the time and it does bugger trust

TooManyPuppies · 02/01/2019 09:13

There are lies in all relationships, we even lie to ourselves.

There are huge extremes though. Most people have white lies like "this cost me $20" when it was really $200... Or "I've had this for years" when I got it last week...

But most people don’t want to end their relationship, they love their partner and their life.

Then the time to make that decision is before jumping in bed with someone else. I have zero time for cheaters and those who think it's ok... It shows lack of morals and I don't wish to associate with people like that in the real world. I'm very black and white about it and think if people decide to do it they should also be responsible enough to own up to it but I guess they have shown bad morals by doing it to begin with.

So sorry, I disagree with the fact that people get to have their cake and eat it too.... It doesn't have to be a serial or persistent cheat. Once is enough. If the relationship they wanted, yet still did the dirty on, goes south then maybe they'll think about it next time before being a twat.

TooManyPuppies · 02/01/2019 09:14

Oh and I'm yet to read a sob story about WHY the cheater cheated that makes it ok. In any circumstance I have come across on here and other forums, they could have left first.... No excuse.

KatyWhatsit · 02/01/2019 09:16

The pain of keeping something secret- for which the 'offender' is truly sorry and remorseful- can be more worse than telling and bearing the consequences.

I'd start with 'why tell'? What is the driver behind it? Is it to relieve your conscience? Is it to inflict pain? Is it as a threat? ie 'If nothing changes I may do this again...'?

I don't go along with the idea that the other person has a 'right to know'. There is no logic to that.

We all have thoughts we think every day that may include disloyalty to people we love. We don't have to share everything. It's not a sign of 'love' to offload and share every thought. Especially when the other person would feel pain.

In fact I think it is very cruel to admit to something what happened in the past, if you have moved on and want to stay with the relationship.

It serves no purpose other than causing grief.All this ' the other person has a right to know and make their choice'. No. Bollocks.

The person who had the affair has a choice too - to keep it to themselves. They have to live with the guilt of both the affair and the deception thereafter. That's their responsibility and pay-back for what they did.

PoshPenny · 02/01/2019 09:19

Very difficult one, but if the unfaithful person regrets their actions and has fully re-committed to the marriage then I think I would be minded to say nothing.

2019already · 02/01/2019 09:21

Don’t tell.

deepwatersolo · 02/01/2019 09:27

I agree with MrsTerryPratcett.
Also: How did the affair become ‚historic‘? If it hasn‘t been confessed for 2 years after it ended the decision not to tell has obviously been made a long time ago. What is the plan here, mitigating the blow by saying ‚ya know it is ancient history - practically Cleopatra / Mark Anthony type of stuff. Dead and buried.‘ The calculating nature of that alone would send me packing.

PorridgeIsYummy · 02/01/2019 09:32

I wouldn't want to know.

UnKemped · 02/01/2019 09:37

We all go through our lives making decisions based on known and unknown facts truths and lies. To think otherwise is simplistic and naive. No one will ever have full disclosure about anything in life. Even our own self knowledge and memories are corrupted and incomplete. There are lies in all relationships, we even lie to ourselves.

This.
I don't know what the answer is, OP, but it's certainly complicated. Good luck whichever route you take.

TooManyPuppies · 02/01/2019 09:43

The person who had the affair has a choice too - to keep it to themselves. They have to live with the guilt of both the affair and the deception thereafter. That's their responsibility and pay-back for what they did.

Or any diseases they may have passed around. Totally should keep it to themselves.... It's not the innocent partners business that they may have been exposed to something thanks to their asshole other half.

Hope none of those in support of keeping quiet never come on if their partner has an affair complaining about it..... Would be a bit hypocritical.

KatyWhatsit · 02/01/2019 09:45

I don't agree with MrsTerryPratchet because...

in almost all relationships, feelings ebb and flow especially if the relationship is one that is decades old. It would be a very odd person who confessed every time they had negative feelings about their partner, thought about leaving, fancied someone else. (And anyone who believes these thoughts are not commonplace is living under a rock.)

The other person is not party to these thoughts.

You may argue that having sex with someone else takes these disloyal thoughts a step further. Yes, that's true. But if there is genuine remorse, it serves no purpose to tell.

'What you don't know can't hurt you' is the best way.

If someone wants to tell, they need to be truly honest about their motives. If it's to ease their conscience, then no, that's the price they pay. If it's to create a 'level playing field' so the relationship can be re-defined and on what basis, possibly, but only if they are prepared for it to end and to have caused pain.

KatyWhatsit · 02/01/2019 09:47

@Toomanypuppies I think bringing in the topic of STIs is missing the point. A sensible person would be aware of that and if necessary they would have to tell.

SandyY2K · 02/01/2019 09:53

I've just reread the OP.... I initially thought there was more than one affair.

So my view is.... if you can 100% sure that the betrayed party will not ever find out..then say nothing.

If there's a good chance they could find out...then reconsider.

TooManyPuppies · 02/01/2019 10:03

I think bringing in the topic of STIs is missing the point.

I don't. The other person also has the right to know what risks they were exposed to.

A sensible person would be aware of that and if necessary they would have to tell.

People who have affairs and lack morals aren't sensible. So no, I don't think they would "have to tell". I think they would continue to hide it which goes along with the type of person they are to do what they did in the first place.