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Original poster

is honesty always the best policy for past affair?

46 replies

sandi80 · 02/01/2019 02:30

If someone has had an affair 2 years ago, the affair has ended. the person is remorseful and will not allow it to happen again and there is no chance of the spouse finding out - should the person confess to the historic affair?

One view is that it's best to be honest. Another view is that it is selfish to offload guilt to the spouse if the affair is over

what do you think?

OP posts:

certificateofauthenticity · 02/01/2019 10:08

Personally i believe in truth. However, if there is no chance of reoccurrence, no chance of being outed, no chance of it ever being brought into the present by, for example, an argument, then maybe it's best left unsaid. A caveat though. Presumably at least one other person knows. So if there is the slightest, most miniscule chance of it ever coming to light, now or in the future, I would rather know now. You will ruin someone's whole life if they find out their life and relationship has been based on lies. Two years on however... It may already too late for the truth.

Madmozzie · 02/01/2019 10:21

The pain of keeping something secret- for which the 'offender' is truly sorry and remorseful- can be more worse than telling and bearing the consequences.

You're kidding, right? I'm sure that once an affair is 'historic' it is pretty much forgotten and discounted as something in the past, whether the cheat feels remorse or not. If they truly felt that terrible, they'd come clean or end the relationship. But most don't. They chose the most pleasant option for them in having the affair, so why would they do differently after the affair? They keep the secret because they can't face the consequences.

deepwatersolo · 02/01/2019 10:30

Madmozzie the idea that by not disclosing the affair the cheater takes ‚the harder road‘ is hilarious, isn‘t it?

I‘ll go with Thoreau on this one ‚rather than love, than money, than fame... give me truth.‘

Itwasatuesday · 02/01/2019 10:30

I think keeping the secret keeps a link between the two AP and a distance between the actual partner no matter how long it goes on.

KatyWhatsit · 02/01/2019 10:36

You're kidding, right? I'm sure that once an affair is 'historic' it is pretty much forgotten and discounted as something in the past, whether the cheat feels remorse or not.

You're kidding surely?

You mean you cannot imagine the pain and remorse someone may suffer for having an affair? Or you can't imagine how someone may have been hurt by the affair if they didn't end it?
You either live under a rock or don't have much life experience.

I have friends and acquaintances who are still remorseful 10 years after their affairs and they didn't tell. Not for fear of consequences but because they wanted to protect their partner from pain.

deepwatersolo · 02/01/2019 10:45

I can well believe the painful being dumped by affair partner part. Which isn‘t remorse about the betrayal by any stretch.

Madmozzie · 02/01/2019 10:45

You mean you cannot imagine the pain and remorse someone may suffer for having an affair? Or you can't imagine how someone may have been hurt by the affair if they didn't end it?
You either live under a rock or don't have much life experience.

At the start of the year, I found out, from the OW, about my h's 'historic' affair. She knew he was with me at the time. He has said numerous times since dday that he continued lying because he didn't want me to know what he'd done, because he didn't want me to know what a bastard he had been. And he thought it would break the marriage. Not because he was trying to protect me. But because he was trying to protect his reputation.
He has also tried to minimize it numerous times by emphasizing how it was in the past, and he hadn't even thought about it for years, since committing to our relationship.
How's that for life experience?

LemonTT · 02/01/2019 10:48

Just to clarify my final point I think the person who cheated and wants to reveal after a period needs to examine why they want to do this.

Having an affair can be a symptom of that persons dissatisfaction in the relationship. They wanted something more, something new or something else. Their partner presumably didn’t want to change the status quo and may never want to face this issue or revisit the past.

Assuming the cheater ended their affair and worked on things instead then why after all this time reveal all. I worry that the reveal is intended to reopen problems. So I don’t think the revelation is altruism. If this is done, it should be done from a good place.

Madmozzie · 02/01/2019 10:51

And I also would like to add that as I found out myself rather than him telling me, I know that he would lie about anything to protect his self image or reputation. Whereas if he has told the truth earlier when I asked, I'd be more inclined to trust him in the future.
So my vote is for honesty, if you genuinely respect and love your partner. (Though I'm not sure you can if you are willing to cheat on them.)

KatyWhatsit · 02/01/2019 11:50

@Madmozzie I'm sorry for your experience, but it's not quite the same is it? The OP has not been confronted and not lied. If she was confronted she may be honest. Your situation was different. You were told and your partner continued to lie. There is not 'one size fits all' for these types of events.

KatyWhatsit · 02/01/2019 11:52

@LemonTT- are you a professional therapist? You talk like one.

purpleface · 02/01/2019 12:12

I would always prefer to know the truth, however painful. Those who seem to be suggesting disloyal thoughts are almost the same as physically breaking your marriage vows - what planet are you living on?

Madmozzie · 02/01/2019 12:45

@katywhatsit no, I did not say it was the same, nor that one size fits all. I was replying to a comment you had made about the pain of keeping your cheating secret being so awful.... Or whatever it was. Would you care to share your personal life experience which has enlightened you as to such an opinion? My opinion came from personal life experience. Did yours? Or is it an unfounded assumption or observation based on secondhand information from friends? In which case, I doubt very much that you have the full true details.

KatyWhatsit · 02/01/2019 12:58

It baffles me Madmozzie as to how you can be so arrogant as to assume that I don't know the truth about close friends' experiences. Talk about patronising!
Maybe you don't have those kinds of friendships, but I have friends who share their innermost feelings. And in some ways that's not the point.

People are allowed to have an opinion on something they have not experienced personally. How else do you think- for example- counsellors work? Are they supposed to have experienced every single scenario a client presents them with? Do people the favour of crediting them with some intelligence, education and learning about life - just because it doesn't fit your mindset and single experience doesn't mean you are right.

Madmozzie · 02/01/2019 13:12

@katywhatsit in what way am I being arrogant to assume that the people who have actually lived through and experienced the situation firsthand have a more visceral understanding of it than those who have heard about it from friends??? No matter how good a friend, you personally did not experience it did you? You may be a very empathetic person (which is not coming across here), but empathy is not the same as experience.

I have not said that anyone's opinion is not relevant. I replied to a comment based on firsthand experience, and you told me I must have been living under a rock or have had limited life experience. When I pointed out my experience of that exact experience (ie a partner who had cheated and was supremely remorseful, yet kept the secret for his own benefit) you then start accusing me of things I haven't said. How strange.

KatyWhatsit · 02/01/2019 13:50

@Madmozzie You were both arrogant and patronising. Your tone was confrontational.
You undermined whatever opinion or experiences I've had- either professionally or through friends- by saying they were not relevant. Sometimes being on the outside gives a better and more balanced perspective.

In your case, you said you were told by the OW (but then you also said you 'found out' for yourself) so it's unclear if you did a detective job or what.

The OP has not been found out and the OM (or OW- we don't know the OP's gender) has not spilled the beans.

Your partner stood accused and vehemently denied his affair, time after time, you said, to protect his 'reputation' (whatever that means.)

That is totally different to the question the OP asked.

I'm surprised you think they are the same.

Madmozzie · 02/01/2019 14:10

Katywhatsit, it is clear that you have a bee in your bonnet that I disagreed with you in my first post. You continue to tell me I have said things I haven't, so once more for the record, then I can't be bothered interacting with you anymore:

You were both arrogant and patronising
Yet you cannot clearly state what was arrogant and patronising. I initially stated my opinion, you said I had been living under a rock, or had limited life exp. As I already clarified, I had experience of the situation I was commenting on. I did not say it was the same as the OP at any time. It was specific to something you had said, I had experienced different, and said so.

Your tone was confrontational
If you class 'you're kidding' as confrontational. Not as confrontational/arrogant/patronising as telling someone they live under a rock or have v limited life experience...

You undermined whatever opinion or experiences I've had- either professionally or through friends- by saying they were not relevant
Erm, no, I didn't say your experience was not relevant.

That is totally different to the question the OP asked.
I'm surprised you think they are the same.
And I've already said they are not the same.

MsDogLady · 02/01/2019 17:18

I would tell. My husband and I expect emotional and physical exclusivity.

In the above scenario, the cheating person broke the partner’s trust and brought another person into their sacred space.

The trusting partner who HAS protected his/her fidelity has every right to know that exclusivity was breached. The timeline does not matter.

MsDogLady · 02/01/2019 17:48

I agree with Itwasatuesday. Keeping this intimate secret creates emotional distance. There is a lie that obstructs true intimacy.

TooManyPuppies · 02/01/2019 18:07

I have friends and acquaintances who are still remorseful 10 years after their affairs and they didn't tell. Not for fear of consequences but because they wanted to protect their partner from pain.

How kind of them. They definitely didnt care about their partners pain when jumping into bed with others... This must be a common thing amongst those you hang out with to know multiple people who have affairs from long ago they were deceitful about. I don't keep "friends" that treat others that way, who knows what else they lie about.

WatcherAgain · 03/01/2019 15:51

IMO keep it to yourself unless you think It could come. I have discovered my DW cheated several years ago and have been crushed by it. She doesn’t know I know. Being stuck between hurt and wanting to make things work is crushing. If there is any way you could be found out then you need to be honest now. It gets worse the longer you wait. I would have rather been ignorant not knowing than go through this.

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