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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Girl I’m seeing going on holiday with an ex

47 replies

Johnthedohn · 01/01/2019 21:25

Hey everyone. So I’ve recently been seeing this girl for like 2 months but I’ve hit a snag and don’t know what to do. Basically when we started seeing each other I asked her out on a date and she said no because she’s going on holiday with a guy who she had a holiday romance with. Anyway we talked things over and she said they were just friends so I said if they are just friends then fair enough. So recently I asked her to make it official and she said no. Now to let you know the back story we’ve done all the new couple things of meeting each other’s parents and friends, etc. So it was a natural step of progression she constantly goes on about the future so she’s talking about holidays and kids but not as a generic thing but with me specifically. However, after the rejection I wondered why this was the case and she said because of the fact she was going on holiday with this guy. We have a few mutual friends so Being curious I wondered what their holiday romance was like, it turns out they were a lot closer than I thought. She met him whilst she was away volunteering and ended up sleeping together and carried on talking, then went on another holiday together and slept together again, after this encounter it turns out she wanted to be just friends but then slept together a couple more times after that whilst away. Anyway fast forward a year and she’s now seeing me and booked this holiday with him. In my head it seems like she’s saying no to me because she thinks/wants something to happen with him and I addressed this to her and she said outright she could not do that to me she cares about me too much. Her reason is if we were to be official she wouldn’t be happy about me going on holiday with another girl so rather than being a hypocrite she’s going to go on the holiday and then come back and we can start our official relationship. I don’t know what to think because it sounds like if she goes away and something happens she’s only seeing me so technically no rules broken. As I said she has said outright she couldn’t cheat on me and she doesn’t want things with us to end. She has even said To me if I want to leave her now and she will come back to me after the holiday to prove nothing is going on.
So I have three doors essentially 1. She goes away nothing happens and we get together. 2. She goes away something happens and tells me hence the end of us 3. She goes away doesn’t tell me and I’m none the wiser.
What do I do?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratcett · 01/01/2019 21:30

I think she's hedging her bets and I wouldn't want that.

It's only been two months so not long. When is the holiday?

magoria · 01/01/2019 21:31

Dump her, work on yourself and find someone who respects you (after a STI test).

Original poster

Johnthedohn · 01/01/2019 21:32

End of next month.

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Houseonahill · 01/01/2019 21:33

Run for the hills. She's playing you like a fiddle. If I had to take a I wild guess she likes the other guy more but he doesn't want anything serious so she is going away in the hopes he changes his mind but when he doesn't she has you sat at home waiting like a good dog.

snoutandab0ut · 01/01/2019 21:35

Nope, absolutely not. Get rid of her, she’s clearly trying to have her cake and eat it. You want a committed relationship, she doesn’t. She is clearly hedging her bets hoping something happens with this guy. And I say that as someone who is very pro-having friends of the opposite sex, I don’t think it would even matter if they’d been together in the past providing this was just a friendship now - but by her saying she can’t be with you until after the holiday she’s as much as admitting she isn’t that into you and that something could happen with him. She doesn’t sound like she is willing to give you what you’re looking for. Move on

Original poster

Johnthedohn · 01/01/2019 21:36

Yeah I know it genuinely does sound like that but I don’t know if that’s the case I’ve not asked further as in to see if they still message or not now

OP posts:

Unobtainable · 01/01/2019 21:37

Well, essentially, you either continue as you are and accept the situation or stop seeing her.

It’s early days so she should be all over you at the moment and completely smitten. The fact that she’s not smitten, doesn't want to make things official and is going on holiday to see a former partner says that overall, she’s not that bothered about you.

I think she sees you as an option and a convenience. Sorry.

Houseonahill · 01/01/2019 21:37

I promise that's the case. I'd bet my life savings on it.

Unobtainable · 01/01/2019 21:39

Surely they must still message if she’s arranged a holiday to see him? Or is she just going to turn up and surprise him? Not good for you either way. She’s just not that into you.

Dvg · 01/01/2019 21:40

Yeah sorry She obviously isnt that interested and is keeping you as a second choice for after the holiday in case the other person says no.

snoutandab0ut · 01/01/2019 21:40

Agree with house. I’ve been in a similar situation with a guy and he was still obsessed with his ex, his lies about their ‘friendship’ turned out to be far more than I thought. Don’t get yourself tangled up in this

maximumcarnage · 01/01/2019 21:40

So she refuses to make it official, goes on a holiday with an ex who she has very recent history together and expects you to be all chipper about it? Seriously? Edging her bets indeed. At best she doesn’t want to jeopardise her holiday. At worst she’s looking forward to sun, sea, surf and sex.

I don’t think anyone would realistically find this situation acceptable and you shouldn’t. Either she wants a loving and committed relationship or she doesn’t. And based off what you’ve written clearly she doesn’t. I’m sure she’s already given you the whole you’re the only one for me speech but come on.

Call it time. Give yourself some head space to get over her. Then find someone who will want to love you and only you. Good. Grief.

Original poster

Johnthedohn · 01/01/2019 21:40

Genuinely I don’t even do relationships they are always so messy when I see it from an outside perspective but I fucking really like this girl and that’s why I’m so bloody confused

OP posts:

RagingWhoreBag · 01/01/2019 21:41

If she really wanted to put your mind at rest she’d make it official before she went so that you’d feel secure. The fact that she won’t, does sound like she thinks something might happen while she’s away but it ‘won’t count’ because you’re not official.

FWIW I had a similar situation - I split with my DP of 5 years. While we were apart he booked a family holiday for him and his kids, they asked if their mum could come too and he agreed. We got back together and he sheepishly told me about the holiday. I thought I was ok with it, he even asked if I wanted her not to go (of course I said no, I couldn’t take her holiday off her, or be the cause of disappointment to the kids) and asked if I wanted to come too, he would book an extra apartment for me and my kids (nope, even weirder being in a separate villa while he stayed elsewhere with his ex).

It was much harder for me to deal with than I thought it would be, not helped by some fudging around the details of this break and us having an argument by phone while he was there. It was nearly the end for us again.

I think you need to have a proper talk with her and explain that her logic for not making things official doesn’t work here, that it’s actually doing the opposite of what she thinks it’s doing (seeming like a highly principled person) and that if she’s not prepared to commit to you before she goes then you’ll take that as the end (not her other option of finishing with her while she’s away and then getting back together - that’s a recipe for shagging around if ever I heard it).

Good luck.

Original poster

Johnthedohn · 01/01/2019 21:42

Well I don’t know if they do message because they stopped whatever was happening about 5/6 months before we started dating 🤷‍♂️

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MiddleClassProblem · 01/01/2019 21:43

Yeah, here reasoning is BS. And as she hasn’t told you about their relationship fully, she’s probably ok with not telling you the truth when she gets back...

snoutandab0ut · 01/01/2019 21:44

I’d put money on them secretly messaging each other

CrispbuttyNo1 · 01/01/2019 21:45

I’m sorry but she doesn’t feel the same way about you.

In your shoes I would call her bluff and tell her the relationship isn’t going anywhere so you won’t be seeing her anymore. Her reaction should tell you all you need to know.

Santaclarita · 01/01/2019 21:46

She's lying to you. She wants the other guy, but he doesn't want her. She's hoping that this holiday will make him want her, or at least by not being with you it means she can sleep with him on the holiday without feeling guilty.

Stop being a mug. She's a liar and she will come crawling back to you after the holiday because the other guy doesn't want her and never will.

Original poster

Johnthedohn · 01/01/2019 21:46

But I’m chilled as fuck about things in general and I’m not like super over protective so I either ask to see if they message or go on her phone

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Original poster

Johnthedohn · 01/01/2019 21:47

The worst part about it is he lives on the other side of the world from us

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Original poster

Johnthedohn · 01/01/2019 21:48

Btw thanks for all the responses so far I’ve never used this before and I didnt think anyone would answer I really fucking appreciate it

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 01/01/2019 21:49

You are not her partner - he is. They've unfinished business and kept in touch so it wasn't a real 'split'. If he agrees to make it work with her again then it's bye bye for you. If he doesn't, I guess you can be her convenient if she needs a man on side.

A full week away with another man..unless you like cuckold games this is your time to extricate yourself

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 21:50

Nah. If I wanted to be with a guy, I clearly would not do that. She didn‘t want to sleep with the guy but then still did it on their holiday, she doesn’t want to cheat on you, but still can‘t say you are together before that holiday.... yeah right.
You know, I have a long term relationship, and before our kid came along, I regularly went on climbing holidays without partner - with some female friend, with some male friend.... whoever had time and fancied the same climbing spots. So I totally get having holidays with friends of the opposite sex, even sharing a tent or room and nothing happening. But clearly I had never had sex with them and, also, it was not in my honeymoon period with partner, but after years of building trust.

I wouldn‘t go down that route OP.

Original poster

Johnthedohn · 01/01/2019 21:55

Yeah well I said to her if she had no issues or thoughts of something happening with him then surely making it official would be the better thing for us a. It puts my mind at ease slightly b. It might throw him off a bit

OP posts:

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