Girl I’m seeing going on holiday with an ex

[Johnthedohn]

Hey everyone. So I’ve recently been seeing this girl for like 2 months but I’ve hit a snag and don’t know what to do. Basically when we started seeing each other I asked her out on a date and she said no because she’s going on holiday with a guy who she had a holiday romance with. Anyway we talked things over and she said they were just friends so I said if they are just friends then fair enough. So recently I asked her to make it official and she said no. Now to let you know the back story we’ve done all the new couple things of meeting each other’s parents and friends, etc. So it was a natural step of progression she constantly goes on about the future so she’s talking about holidays and kids but not as a generic thing but with me specifically. However, after the rejection I wondered why this was the case and she said because of the fact she was going on holiday with this guy. We have a few mutual friends so Being curious I wondered what their holiday romance was like, it turns out they were a lot closer than I thought. She met him whilst she was away volunteering and ended up sleeping together and carried on talking, then went on another holiday together and slept together again, after this encounter it turns out she wanted to be just friends but then slept together a couple more times after that whilst away. Anyway fast forward a year and she’s now seeing me and booked this holiday with him. In my head it seems like she’s saying no to me because she thinks/wants something to happen with him and I addressed this to her and she said outright she could not do that to me she cares about me too much. Her reason is if we were to be official she wouldn’t be happy about me going on holiday with another girl so rather than being a hypocrite she’s going to go on the holiday and then come back and we can start our official relationship. I don’t know what to think because it sounds like if she goes away and something happens she’s only seeing me so technically no rules broken. As I said she has said outright she couldn’t cheat on me and she doesn’t want things with us to end. She has even said To me if I want to leave her now and she will come back to me after the holiday to prove nothing is going on.
So I have three doors essentially 1. She goes away nothing happens and we get together. 2. She goes away something happens and tells me hence the end of us 3. She goes away doesn’t tell me and I’m none the wiser.
What do I do?

she might throw him of a bit, or another word for throw

Sorry, not helpful...

Honestly, we’re telling you what she’s likely to do. It’s hard because you really like her, falling for her, feel you know her enough to trust her, but there is simply no reason she wouldn’t either make it official or just cancel the holiday if she wasn’t cobsidering a rendezvous with this bloke.

And you won’t know until it comes out the wood work which may even take years and she’ll just say “but we’re really together then”.

Nothing worse than a partner on holiday with ex. It'd drive you mad trying to think what she got up to each passing day and night until she's back.
Words can be broken, we're humans and can get carried away "spur of the moment". I hope she sticks to her words. Is this holiday necessary?

Agree with Houseonahill sorry op.

Oh, just read he lives on the other side of the world from you - yeah, no.
I tell you what, I once had a fling with a guy while abroad for a year. I had to return, he stayed. He made a big drama about how we are so super-special, but he wants kids and will therefore settle down with a woman that had pursued him for a while. They got together weeks before I left. Talked family. He still couldn‘t keep his hands off me in those weeks. When he visited over Christmas, he tried to persuade me to spend the night with him - while he already knew she was 3 months pregnant (he told me over the phone, a week later, back in the states already). Another 4 months later he wanted to meet me again. Because ‚we are so special‘ - ‚our thing’ has nothing to do with his pregnant wife, you know.
If I had bought into this bullshit, I swear this guy would now be my one decade old ‚once a year‘ fuck buddy affair. ‚Because ‚us‘ is so special, it has nothing to do with our partners and children blablabla.‘

To me this whole story very much looks like this girl buys into that type of bullshit. Fuck that.

If he’s just a friend, then she’ll have no issue with you meeting him (over FaceTime) before she goes on holiday, will she?? She’ll be happy to talk all about him, and his life, to you?

Try to look casual about it when you ask.

Also he may be her first choice if it wasn’t for the fact he loves the other side of the world

Her logic makes no sense at all. She doesn't want to make it "official" because she wouldn't want you going away with a woman once you are?

So she gets to go away with her ex, then you'll be official afterwards so you don't get the opportunity......

She I'd absolutely playing you for a fool. I know you really like her, but I'm afraid you're her back-up plan. Find someone who really appreciates you.

Yeah I know it genuinely doesn’t make sense at all to me either! She came on the phone to me couple of days ago telling me she definitely doesn’t want it to end and she wouldn’t cheat because she loves me and I don’t know if she said that to keep me trapped or not

You know, John if it is so super-important for her that this does not end, she can declare to the world you two are in a relationship.
It will still be a leap of faith for you to let her go on that darn holiday, but if she can‘t even be arsed to declare you two are in a relationship when you clearly ask her to in order to ease your mind and have her commit, how important is what you two have for her, really?

It does not matter, whether she understands your logic or not (although I will say that I have no patience for illogical people. Jesus, I understand one can be smitten by a partner’s looks but you guys are talking children, do you really want to have a child that can‘t make a well reasoned argument, even when grown up?), if she wants to keep the relationship, she will just have to officially call it a relationship, ffs.

Oh he's Other Side of The World Guy. I dated someone while pining for that guy. I'm now married to Other Side of The World Guy.

I had the decency to split up with the guy at home before I went on holiday to see Other Side of The World Guy.

To be fair to her, I was pretty much in denial as well. I wasn't lying as such. Well to myself.

She doesn't want to make it official ..so if she sleeps with him...she will say she didn't technically cheat...as you're not official.

There are plenty more women out there. Don't put up with this nonsense.

You deserve so much more than this!

Get yourself out now before you get even more invested!

"A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest"
Paul Simon
No point coming on here asking for advice if your going to ignore it.

If she's travelling to the other side of the world to holiday with a guy she can't help sleeping with when she sees him and your relationship is still new and she should only be thinking of you is because she still has a thing for him.

Musti what do you mean?

John, read what we are saying.

She. Just. Isn't. That. Into. You.

You. Are. Available. So. You. Will. Do. Until. She. Has. The. Guy. She. Actually. Wants.

If you want to keep believing her, you will eventually get your heart broken.

Oh and whatever she says happened on the holiday, it is guaranteed that she will be fucking him at any opportunity.

But you aren't listening, you believe her so go get your heart broken. You'll learn eventually.

I disagree, she is into John. She’s just more into Other Side Of The World Guy but can’t be with him long term because he’s the other side of the world. She sounds infatuated with him.

She could easily really like you, even love you but if he moved and wanted to be with her she’d drop you in a heartbeat.

She likes you but is infatuated with him.

The bit where she just wanted to be friends with him was her attempt at self preservation because he lives so far. But guess what? She couldn’t just be friends...

How can you possibly think they're not messaging each other when they're going on holiday together? Of course they are!

She isn't into John. He is a standby shag til she gets the guy she actually wants. More like a friend's with benefits than boyfriend.

Otherwise she would agree to be his girlfriend. But she won't because she wants the other guy.

Wake up love! This is taking the piss to a new level

she has said outright she couldn’t cheat on me and she doesn’t want things with us to end
But she wouldn't be cheating on you, as you're not together.
And things can't end if they haven't officially begun.
She has a Get Out of Jail Free card.

If you go along with it, you are telling her that she can do what she likes with you, and you'll just go along with it. Next time will it be "I'm just off again on holiday with X, so let's break up for a month and it won't be cheating"?

I'm sure she's lovely and all that, but actually she's not she's not the only fish etc. and going along with this is like painting a sign on your backside saying "KICK HERE". She will not respect you. You will not respect you.