Ex partner lives in Flat above me. #Hurts

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My hearts breaking. He’s bringing girls back and I hear them laughing and being intimate. I’m avoiding using our shared entrance and exits and shared garden as much as possible and have a panic attack when I do. He has no empathy about this whatsoever. I can’t move for many reasons and he won’t. How the hell do i cope with this?

I’m sorry but I think the only answer is to move. I know you said you can’t but you have to really examine the reasons why not and see if there is any way around them at all. It must be absolute hell living like you are and your mental health will only continue to suffer while you are there. You can’t heal living below him, especially if he’s bringing girls back.

Wireless headphones would be useful, yes I am serious.
Im so sorry that's really shit for you

New Years Day and there are people here, caring about a new member? Wow. Thank you. I’m thinking hard to move but it’s brick walls everywhere for the time being. It’ll be at least 18 months before I can physically or financially do that. Wireless earphones are a good idea (thank you x) - but for TV when I’m alone - not music. Music is impossible right now. Songs that are unbearably bright, soft songs which just make me cry, or angry songs that make me feel i could seriously go upstairs and lose it. Ear plugs and closed curtains help - although the urge to know who he’s with and where he is an excruciating sort of obsession for some reason. He bought a girl back last night ( I think one of the other neighbours who we share the building with) for New Year and I couldn’t sleep. Just sat awake in pitch darkness and sometimes tried to watch TV on my phone with the sound and brightness at their lowest so that he didn’t laugh at me being home on my own. Just sat there being tortured by noticing their lights going on and off. My 16 year old daughter is out with friends overnight. I do stay out of the house for as long as possible when I can. I’ve jumped to working 100 hour weeks as I don’t have friends or hobbies, but it’s only a temporary distraction and I have no one to talk to. If he read this, he’d find it funny. Thbakyou for caring. I never thought I’d turn to Mumsnet to offload but I feel so trapped and alone and in an impossible situation.

Sorry that I didn’t put paragraphs. I wasn’t sure if it would allow them or if it would send the post before I’d finished.

You can use paragraphs!

Could you rent out your flat and move somewhere else?

What an awful position to be. Being forced to listen to the neighbours strut their funky stuff is bad enough (the way she screams makes it sound like she’s shooting a cheap porno) but listening to an ex do it? Terrible.

It also sounds as though you’re having to tread carefully, worrying what your ex will think and avoid him mocking you. Which is no way to live.

Obviously this is not a situation to remain in. You need to move. As soon as you can. Because this is only to damage your MH in such an environment. I would suggest following through with the headphone idea, there are some excellent noise cancelling ones on the market. I would suggest black out curtains too, so you don’t have to worry about your ex knowing your movements.

Focus on activities and hobbies outside the home. Anything that’ll afford you good company and away from the ex. Also if you can manage it short breaks away every now and again. So you have time away where you are free to relax and have something to look forward to. Needn’t be expensive. And watch the work hours. Don’t burn out.

Have a wonderful 2019, and make it a year for change and for a better life.

Sticking on headphones is a short term solution. Why dont you have friends? No wonder things are getting in on you.

I'd be looking at moving as well. Is it your own place. You can rent it out.

Look after yourself. Personally that sounds like a torturous situation to me and I would move.

Have you thought about listening to classical music?

I was like this when I had depression. I couldn’t watch tv as it made sense and certain storylines made me cry, same with songs on the radio, I couldn’t listen to them. I found that classical music helped a lot. Itfilled the silence and stopped my brain whizzing a million miles an hour, so maybe give that a go?

Also, I joined my local WI, I was lucky cos there was a mixture of ages, at mine, but I found it to be a fun, non judgemental place to be. I went once a month. I listened to interesting talks, made new friends and found it to be a real lifeline. I was in my early 30s at the time. I’ve moved away now, but still keep in contact with people and learned certain skills which I’ve been able to carry on with after moving, giving me a chance to make friends in my new area too, as we have a common interest.

Working 100 hour weeks? How is that even possible? It certainly isn't sustainable, and will lead to ill health.

Your situation is awful, but as you hear your ex bringing women home and having a good time, he obviously isn't obsessing about you, the way you are obsessing about him! so I doubt he gave a second thought about your evening, and whether or not you were alone. Anyway, lots of people (including myself) don't go out or have parties NYE after the teen/twenties years - no shame in that.

Try to train yourself to think of him as just a neighbour you had a thing with, which is now over. Fake it til you make it!

Your lack of friends and hobbies is a huge factor in your obsessing about this man, so make a new year resolution to change that. The fuller your own life is, the less his life will feature in your thoughts.

Hopefully in a few weeks/months you'll look back and wonder why the fuck you gave this man so much headspace!

Take things one step at a time. When you're feeling down, watch a comedy you know will make you laugh.

Have you thought of getting on Tinder and flirting with a few men? Might take your mind off things?

You need to move. As soon as you can. Because this is only to damage your MH in such an environment.

You certainly do. My friend's partner moved across the road. She was obsessed and would stand by the window all the time. She did not want him back but did not want anyone to have him either. Really affected her mental health.

Can you rent out your place and maybe move ni temporarily with relatives or friends?

How long have you been split up?
Why do you have to staying living in the flat? Do you rent?

You don’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing & all may not seem as it appears.

You do need to concentrate on your life and throwing yourself into work may help your bank balance but your health and relationship with daughter will suffer, therefore it’s nit a long term solution

I'm not sure you need to move. You need to know this is just a phase, and you'll get over him, and that you'll get through this. And once you're through the worst of it you'll feel really good about yourself that you managed to handle it and it'll fill you with strength that you'll know you can handle anything life hurls at you.
Be proud. There's nothing wrong with choosing to stay in on NYE. As others have said, start gradually filling your life with other things so you think about him less and less. With your head full of other thoughts you'll stop worrying about what he's up to - first you'll just not think about it, then you simply won't care.
Push on through! It's just time. Every day that goes by you're one day closer to getting over him.

I can’t believe the support here. I really thought I’d have to resort to counselling. Thank you all x

I rent privately so I can’t rent out.

I have no family or friends. My life’s very complex and it’s easier to not have anyone in it closely aside from my girl. We’re very close but also have very healthy independent lives. She’s certainly not lonely or without interests or support and I usually have a fulfilling and vibrant existence - despite me keeping my world very small - and that’s because If it wasn’t for my daughter I’d have no interest in living whatsoever. It’s been a constant struggle for over 40 years but I’ve found unique ways to be happy. Relationships haven’t featured heavily in that for the past 5
years as I increasingly need to stay in control of my emotions and environment.

..But then I met him. We had a beautiful and wild few month fling and he shouted his love for me from the rooftops, told everyone I was the one and completely swept me off my feet.. and led to him moving into the flat above. Then he admitted he’s a fantasist and sociopath who feels everything when he’s with me but doesn’t feel anything for me when I’m out of his sight - and had been on dates with other women that he didn’t see as cheating! I hit the roof and reacted badly which made him go ice cold and end the relationship. Hence he finds my pain amusing.

I loved my home for over 5 years. Now it’s a prison. I really will move. It’s just when I can.
Until then I just needed to let off some pressure somewhere.

I work self employed doing 13 hour shifts, with 2 hour commutes and homework, hence the ability to throw myself into work related 100 hour weeks. It’s not ideal but my daughter and work have always been my lifeblood so it’s natural I’m retreating there as much as possible. But I need my peace in my home.

Thankyou all so much for your time and advice. I’m probably easily recognisable from all of that or opening myself to ridicule and judgement, but it’s a risk I’m having to take. Last night was just really hard. I couldn’t work as I couldn’t get transport. Thanks for easing it a bit. It feels a bit brighter now. I’ll keep thinking of all options to move out and away. But I have to think of my daughter, money, location and other things.

You'll get no ridicule or judgement here, lady!

Your ex has openly admitted his issues, and believe me - you're far better off without that kind of drama in your life!

You WILL get through this, and I'm glad you feel better for posting. Keep on posting, we've all been through shit of various kinds from ex relationships and MN is a brilliant space for support

Just a couple of things I missed. This has been going on for around 4 months.

I don’t even take the bin bags out in daylight or go to my shed in case I see him. I know I’d get over him if I wasn’t able to see him. I’m strong like that and realistic. It’s just the fact that I fell for him, and I know this sounds stupid but he’s gorgeous to look at - kind of the town heartthrob type, and the stunningly romantic side he showed to me, and the ridiculously compatible physical side of things we had, is very hard to just shake off when he’s on my doorstep.
It’s fortunate that this is happening over the Winter. In Summer all the neighbours enjoy parties in our garden. I couldn’t join in anything. By Summer I need a solution and I’m praying for a miracle that might help me to move out. But it breaks my heart to leave this place. It’s sought after and perfect in every aspect, and my daughter was going to live in one of the flats in this secure building when she’s 17/18. He loves it here but maybe with an outlet and by keeping busy I can wait it out as long as possible and hope he’ll move before Summer. I don’t know what he’s planning for his future. But I’m definitely on a mental limit. If he doesn’t go, I have to. Somehow. Even if can’t move for a couple of years I’ll have to think of a coping strategy. Everyone’s right. This is already dragging me down so heavily. This has really helped for today. Thankyou all

Short breaks, hobbies, meeting groups, classical music all sound good distractions. And I do backpack with my daughter quite a lot. I’ll definitely try all suggestions. Thankyou. This may be all I need to help me through x

Oh deffo stop hiding! as I said - train yourself to think of him as an ex fling. A lot of women here have to see their exes (and their exes new partners) on child handovers etc; So you're not alone in having to see yours. It would be so easy if we could turn our emotions of like a tap, but it's a gradual process, and it helps so much to have stuff going on in your own life.

By Summer, you'll be attending the garden parties with new found friends and you'll look fabulous while you're there! so now you have goals. Looking and feeling your best with new friends (or people you already know from the building). By Summer. Ok?

Yep ... there will definitely be a solution by the Summer. I’ve realised there HAS to be. I simply can’t be here with him. He’s just walked past my window laughing loudly with whoever the beau was last night. I’m shaking like a leaf with frustration and pain. He probably guessed I was here last night and how I’d be feeling. No way could I learn to live with this kind of torture.

I don’t know how mothers deal with having to still see ex partners who they feel like this about, and have other partners rubbed in their faces, and hand their children over to ... If you’re in this situation, it’d really help to hear from you.

OP with kindness.....he doesn't give a shit about whether you are home or not, or how you're feeling. You are imagining things you can't really know. "He knows" "he's guessing" etc; from what you've said about him, he's simply moved on, as is his right. He doesn't sound a very nice person tbh, but I doubt he's walking past your window for the effect it may have on you. He's simply a resident, who happens to have passed your flat.

It's lovely weather where I am, if it's the same for you, how about a good walk, and coffee/meal in a pub somewhere? I know it's difficult for some women to do this, but honestly, no one 'judges' a lone woman having refreshments in a pub/cafe. Take a book, browse your phone, or just people watch (My fave when alone somewhere!)

Getting out will be better than stewing over his every sound and movement.

I have to agree with Queen, he’s moved on and probably isn’t thinking about you. I understand you are hurting but you’re giving this man waaaaay too much power. Hiding only reinforces a cycle of introspection which is the trap.

Grieve but wallowing is not a long term strategy that will bring you peace. Unfortunately, it sounds like this man became a focus at the expense of other things. Naturally you feel bereft now the relationship has ended but life before him didn’t sound emotionally healthy either.

Queen...

You’re so right. Being alone here last night, not being able to sleep or distract myself, drove me crazy. I’ve now kickkstarted the day. The curtains are firmly closed with no cracks. My TV is on loudly. The washer is on and I’m throwing myself into cleaning. My daughter is home soon too and thats always a welcome distraction of course. No plans to go outside my house as he’s now back and out in the garden with his visiting children. I’ve absolutely no idea what I’d say to him. Or vice versa, and I’m too nervous to find out. I’m back at work tomorrow. I’ll keave and return when I know we’re not likely to cross paths. But yes...I know my mind was running away this morning. I wish I had had somewhere to go or something to do last night and this am. I won’t put myself in that situation again. I’d rather spend a night in a hotel than be here alone again.

I’m going to talk to my landlords and see if I can break my years tenancy contract. That’s a start. Clearer head!

It will get easier, you have to realise what a lucky escape you have had.

Have you considered just going dating for fun? I know it is not the answer but it will be a distraction.

I had an ex like this although I was a teenager at the time, he's the kind of moron I wouldn't even breathe in the same direction of now. He cheated on me repeatedly, embarrassed me in front of his friends and treated me like absolute shit for a long time. He would phone me up when with loads of other girls after we'd split and I'd be in tears afterwards for weeks. He even once started kissing someone in front of me when we'd had sex the same day! I went so thin my Mum thought I had an eating disorder. A total, total bastard and like you I somehow still convinced myself he was worth loving.

Trust me girl, the more of a bastard he is now the more you will one day wonder what the flying fuck you ever saw in him. I know how much it hurts believe me. But until that day comes just focus on yourself, completely ignore him when you see him and give him no satisfaction whatsoever. I suggest being outdoors too for long walks as it can sometimes make you feel a bit better.

He is a cunt. One day it will stop hurting x

Agent...

I know it’s difficult for anyone reading this to understand, but life around this stupid issue is amazing. When things are brighter, I’ll post elsewhere and you’ll see :)

I’m not depressed at all - the opposite - but I do find staying alive hard. A strange contradiction I know. I’ve found ingenious ways to live a happy and fulfilling existence but given a choice, I’d rather say ‘sod it’. But I have my daughter. I don’t have a choice and she’s a very good reason to try hard and find ways.

I was dating here and there healthily before this guy landed straight on my doorstep. Before that, anyone I dated was kept light and at arms length. This blindsided me and I should never have encouraged him to move so close to my life. But I did. I’m paying the price and I know a solution will be found. Even if I have to rip a chunk of my life apart. I won’t be the first to have done what needs to be done to get out of a tough situation. The daylight and the end of the festive period has bought wecome distraction and normality, and I know if I stay busy and keep thinking, I’ll be ok.

Was this guy living there before you started seeing him or did he deliberately move in after you'd finished?

I think if you've been a good tenant for five years and you explain things to the landlord then they should let you cut short the tenancy. Don't you only have to give a month's notice anyway?

I would feel sorry for those women who are being lured in by him. He sounds really awful and certainly happiness isn't awaiting them.