How to bring joy in 2019 with a joyless husband in a joyless marriage?

[Joy2019]

I will leave eventually, but can't just yet as I don't yet have the support in place that I am going to need for myself and my children.
I usually love the prospect of a new, fresh new year but I'm feeling flat. I asked DH this evening to help me come up with a joy list of ideas for 2019 for our family despite where we are presently in our marriage.
He said no.
I feel I'm working against a strong force of apathy, laziness and misery from him. I am determined not to let it rub off.
How can I bring myself and my children more joy in 2019, despite him? My children are very young- 4 and 6 months. I also don't have a lot of family support. I plan, organise and drive everything in our family; it would also be nice to be able to take some time out for myself.

Oh that sounds miserable!

I find making lists therapeutic.

I assume you are putting your financial affairs in order.

Do you have any respite from dcs?

Taking care of yourself will make you feel much better- sleep eat rest have long baths and read a lot!

Big girl pants-show him the list you’ve done of family activities since he declined, then ask if he wants to join you, if he says no, great as you and DCs can go alone, harder for you physically but so worth it Ifyou can do it. If he decides to comes on the activities also great just try to block the brain drain and view him as a mule/ nanny. wider issue -!have short, medium and longer term goal lists for you alone and for you and DCs- review regularly and listen to online motivational talks- one sticky, slow step at a time- you can do it

That sounds miserable. i think joy can come from really simple things like getting outdoors and being active and making a tradition of putting on some really fun music every Saturday morning and having a good dance. Or having a movie night with the children and all snuggling down togetger in pj's. It's an attitude more than what you do. Playing (easy) board games with your eldest would get you all talking and laughing too. And reading funny books.

I hope you have a happy year

Just make the list without him, in fact add some things you would like to do alone and make a point of doing them while he is around to look after the DC.

Have you read "happier at home" - quite a lot of good ideas there for joy and as I remember, the author's husband was not around for (m)any of them.

The only thing I would be careful about is making sure the things bring YOU joy as well, the danger being (in particular in your relationship) that you end up being responsible for everyone else's joy and it can be exhausting.

www.goodreads.com/book/show/13414599-happier-at-home

So what is actually wrong with him? What's making him so miserable? What hasn't he got that he thinks he ought to have? Presumably he's been to the doctor? He sounds depressed. What can you do to add joy to your life? Music is magic. Put your favourite songs on to listen to. Get out of the house every day, even just a walk. In the summer, a trip to the beach or zoo. A dog? Ours brings huge amounts of love and laughs, (although they are extra work).

I would scrutinise the marriage it may take many attempts but unless he is abusive, had an affair or something of the sort at some point their must have been some love. Maybe the marriage isn’t salvageable he sounds reluctant but it’s worth a try surely.

DH and I had one dreadful patch in our 22 year relationship, we have been married for almost twenty years. We separated for three month
at Christmas time two years ago. We spoke over these months it was excruciating at first. To actually get back on track took six months and to feel how I did before took almost a year.

Will he look after dcs if you go out for a few hours?
Organise to meet up with friends every now and then. Meet them for walks, coffee, meals and cinema.

Plan stuff to do with your dcs without your dh. Make it a mixture of places you want to go and places your 4 yr old would like.
Google things to do with kids in your area. Invite friends along sometimes.

Get out as much as you can. Don’t let him drag you down.

I think he is a little depressed, he's in some pain with a long-term health condition etc. He will not seek any further help and doesn't tend to his mental health needs proactively. I feel I have no empathy left for him, I really, really wish I did, but I just find his outlook on life a little miserable and his habits extremely irritating.

I could have written your message? I know this sounds a bit odd, but we could support each other. My 'DH' was in bed at 8pm NYE when I came out of the shower. No, not like that, but in a I'm too old/boring to have fun so I'm going to sleep. All lights out and him under the covers.

It's soul destroying OP. I think Mumsnet helps as it gives a place to vent. My tiny piece of advice is self care. Ensure that you tell him in advance that you are going to the cinema or for a coffee etc and do it alone if necessary. Don't feel guilt. If you are like me, you would much rather he was with you and sharing the joy, but I'm learning you can't change this sort of man

for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health

busybarbara that is an unhelpful comment!

OP I am sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like you have a plan which is good to leave. Look after yourself. Remember “what is good for you is good for the children” so do things that you enjoy. Do something for yourself to look forward to every day
-music
-good books to feed the soul
-protect your sleep
-exercise
-meeting friends
-nice candle, hot bath, a facemask

💐

Oh, piss off, BusyBarbara! You and your ‘helpful’ advice again.

Op, you have to make sure YOU do things that make you happy. You can’t make your h happy, but you can look after yourself.

It sounds soul destroying, though, good luck.

Sit down with your dc and make a list. Ask them what makes them happy and what they enjoy, so you always have an idea of what to do. your dc are young so it will probably be easy to achieve things like ‘playing with lego’, ‘cuddles’, but it’s really good for dc to know what makes them happy, even from an early age.

And don’t forget yourself.

Has he always been like this?
Is he depressed or is he a joyless type of person in general?
If he’s depressed there are several things he can try, including speaking to his GP. If he refuses there’s probably no a lot you can do for him, but you can focus more on you and your children.

My only advice is not to leave things as they are until you’re middle aged.
Get your finances sorted so you’re in a position to leave if things don’t improve.

Know what you're going through. I believe we can still have joy even if others around is our miserable if we limit our interactions with them. There are really so many things to be grateful for. Focus on these things. Here's a bit of a different spin on things but I just found a YouTube video the other day by Amy Lee; My life with chronic illness (i think its called) She suffers from a stomach problem which means she has to be tube fed and has to do so many things ( taking medication, using syringes etc) before she can even start her day. She's only a young girl i think 22 years old but she's got an amazingly positive attitude. Watching her videos made be grateful that I can get up in the morning and wander downstairs freely. I can eat and drink normally, my kids are healthy. I may not have the perfect marriage but I still have so much to enjoy in life and be grateful for. My body works and I can go outside not linked up to a machine. It sounds silly but some people would dream of the life you have. I'm not saying you are ungrateful or anything at all but I think that if we can look at those less fortunate and not look at those who appear to have perfect marriages etc we can find joy in simple things like having a cup of tea of watching our child have fun x

Just wanted to say hi as I'm in the same situation. I'm working on a leaving plan, but living with this joy hoover is debilitating. I go out with my teen DDs, watch the TV I want in the bedroom rather than sitting in the living room with him watching police and border control programs, play my favourite music while I'm sitting at my desk and go out for coffee and chat with friends as often as possible. He has always been of a pessimistic nature but now he's retired and home all day, with no outside interaction to make him perk up, it's almost unbearable.

Oh, piss off, BusyBarbara! You and your ‘helpful’ advice again.

Oh, sorry I actually took my wedding vows seriously. Seriously, why do people bother getting married nowadays, you might as well stay boyfriend and girlfriend if you're going to chuck it in over stuff like this.

Is Barbara under a bridge?

Or someone without empathy?

Vows are fine, but it's so often the wife who is expected to put up with a rubbish relationship when the husband decides to make misery.

Pretty sure busybarbara has to be a man, who has very little respect for women.

I'm sorry op, very little advice here, but I can relate to your situation. Make friends, join hobbies, volunteer, spend time with happy upbeat people, picture your best life, within reason, and do your best to make it happen. It might just be the kick in the backside your dh needs to see he's being left behind.

@busybarbara it takes two for a marriage to work. It takes work for a marriage to grow and be successful. Yes, the OPs partner might be depressed OR he might just be lazy. That's not fair.

Oh, sorry I actually took my wedding vows seriously. Seriously, why do people bother getting married nowadays, you might as well stay boyfriend and girlfriend if you're going to chuck it in over stuff like this.

But OP does not want to throw away her marriage. She is asking for advice. Surely it would be more Christian/helpful to give her advice instead of being sanctiminous??

Plus, it takes two to make a marriage work. What's OP's h doing for her?

If you're planning to leave, I'd set up some activities which are regular, eg library on a Saturday morning, out for a picnic on summer Sunday afternoons, cinema once a month, film night with a pizza on Friday nights, etc, so that you can continue with them when you're living elsewhere. Your husband should be told he's welcome to come along but if he doesn't, it's his choice.