Perspective, please

[Labyrinth47]

Good evening and happy new year to you all. I am sitting here, with a 10 year old in the sofa, and 3 teenagers in sons room. Fairly sure to give up on my marriage, and I hope you all can give me some perspektive. I have been told, I can be fairly direct, and I am not from England, so maby the finer nuances goes wrong, but I will give some back story, and hope some of you can give me a kick in the right directions.

My husband is a hard worker, He is generous, with his time and his money, he would work his ass off, for me.

But he has no clue how to talk about things, he take everything as critisism, close down and wont discuss/debate. Today of all days, (before all theese teenagers were to visit) he seemed annoyed and I asked him why. Sex is why. Lack of it. I have been sick the last 2 months, on and off, with high fever. Only had sex maby 2-3 times. But, as husband said, it has been going on for ever, usually only once a week, maby 2. That is true. WIth teenager and a 10 year old, I dont have a clue how you all to it. When it is 8 evening, all I want is a glass of wine and a remote control for the tv. Sometimes he has a day off ( I work at home) and we usually do, but up til Christmas, he has been working every day. So. He is right. Havent been much fun in the bedroom, Or in any other room. This is a fact.
As I asked him today, what was wrong, is because he has been increasingly annoyed and snappy with us al. And today I was told it was because of the no sex. Because; and this is what i need perspective with; THERE IS NO REASON TO BE SO NICE TO ME; AS HE DIDNT GET ANYTHING ANYWAY!!! Yes, really!
As we discussed it, between new year dinner, bloody firework and all, with all the kids, he told me he just lost his being "in love" feeling, as it was hard on his self asteem and he just kept to himself, so he would not get rejected.
Is this really a normal reaction?? Do you all have sex multiple times a week?? I dont have small children, but I have children in the house all the time, when he is here, and if I wait to the younger one sleep; Im so bloody tired. I have done it for the king and nation, but I feel it is wrong as I do it to keep the piece. He has not many comments to this, he is just so hurt, because i dont lust for him. I think if he would lighten the fuck up a bit, maby I would feel in the mood more.
Anyway, new year came and went, he was quiet in the sofa, I won an oscar with the kids, and now he has gone to sleep, teenagers gone to room and my youngest sitting here next tome watching a movie eating nachos.
And I am wondering what the fuck I should do. He is good in many ways. As I said, he is generous with both his time and money (he and youngest made lovely brunch this morning, he also did the hole dinner tonight) but I feel sex is a demand. And when I read here, every time sex is bad, you all say LEAVE THE BASTARD. But I am the bastard now. I am wondering if I should leave him. Not because I dont want sex with him, I do, but we cant discuss it without him being angry and "closed" and because of the things he said about it. And I honestly feel once a week is enough, We have been together 10 years, we are both in our fifties and even as I do find him both hot and atrractive, and certainly not without skills, life gets in the way. I dont want to have quickies in the barn all the time, I want privacy and time. And if we make one evening a week, is that really so bad?
So. Please help me. I hope I havent left things out, I know drip feeding is not seen kindly on, I hope you can give me perspective. I fantasise about leaving the grumpy bugger, and at the same time, i love him and we have a really good life. he is just so closed and angry when we have a problem.

Hi, it sounds like he has had his attentions turned by another woman. Saying he doesn't feel "in love " with you and being grumpy and that it's your fault for lack of sex.

Really? But he always come straight home from work, and he never go anywhere, never see anyone. Every hobby is done here, alone.

Maby a co worker? I use his email and phone every day for work, he is never on social media and often forget his phone at home. I never saw anything remotely suspisious.. How do I find out, when he is never online?

Besides his son and his mom, I am all he got. (and my kids) So how do I find out?

I think once a week is pretty good! Can you find a time when he is agreeable to discussing it? Is he more demanding now and if so why has this changed?

He will agree to discuss. He is just so closed and getting angry, denying getting angry, and I never get anywhere with him. And I do all this with speaking for myself, telling my feelings, saying what I need/want. And he is just so HURT!

Yes he is more moody now, because I have been sick on and off for 6-7 weeks. And he feel it is hard for him. That I am sick. Because he just needs me so much and he needs to be close to me. And why dont I take that as a compliment, it just show how much he loves me.

Tell him you would like to have long unrushed sex once a week. You do fancy him a lot but you hate quick sex and waiting for DC to be asleep. See if you can plan some time when the DC are out or plan to have them out once a week. What time does the 10 year old go to bed usually?

And maybe write him a letter if he won't listen. Could you get a baby sitter and go for a date and not come home till DC are asleep? Can he make sure you get to sleep in one day at the weekend so you are less tired.?

Aww thanks for all your replies. We usually do have sex once a week, and it is fairly - if you ask me - "advanced" :-) He is home before kids, we do shower, sofa, kitchen table etc, but it is not enough. He would like every day, but will "settle" for 3-4 times a week. So once a week will never be enough for him.

I actually have a sort of high sex drive, normally. Usually just by myself! Because he is in such a bad mood, being quiet, distant, and we never have a "hart to hart" discussion of the state of affairs.

And this we cant even talk about. Because he gets hurt that i dont feel flattered for him loving me so much..

Crap. I better leave him, right? I can never make him happy and this doesnt make me happy.

Oh OP, for some people sex is so tightly wrapped up with their sense of self-esteem and feeling loved and desired. Without it, they feel worthless and undesirable. For others, perhaps like yourself, the two things are less connected.

He is at least communicating how he feels and telling you what he needs. Difficult to hear I know but it puts you in a position of being able to do something about it if you want to. You have a choice here...work with him to agree how you can improve your intimacy or not. The latter option may well spell the gradual end of your relationship though so isn’t much of an option if you want your marriage to survive.

Think carefully about what you both need, talk about it, come to an agreement about how you can move forwards. It’s time for you both to listen to each other and yes, it might be hard to hear some of it, but it’s the only way to get to a place where you are both feeling happy, loved and fulfilled. I wish you well.

I get this is the case for him. But his wiew of intimacy is - sex. just sex. And the problem that make me want to give up is that we cant talk about it. He cant. He close down. It ends with "fine, we dont have sex then" and he walks off. Usually, when I get frustrated, he left for our holiday home for days. He dont do this anymore. As much. Because I dont show my frustration when we discuss. I just try to keep calm. Doesnt help. Yes he is not leaving, he jut goes to bed. I cant talk to him.
He dont have any friends. He dont see his family much, He has me, ANd his work. ANd our farm, which he loves and work on. And he would be the happiest man on earth if I just wanted more sex. I truly dont think there is anybody else, he is always here. And never online.

If he wanted to romance me, flirt with me, and settle for once a week, i am sure I wanted more. I just feel so pressured as sex is a thing to trade. He wont put the efford in, as it doesnt pay off.

Please continue to discuss this with me. I dont know what to do, but feel like asking him to leave tomorrow

As he is not the talking type its obviously how he expleriences love. And as you have been sick his tank is a bit empty.
Have you read the 5 languages of love?
Yours might be acts of service so you enjoy and feel loved by his doing things for you which makes you feel cherished.
Its understandable that sex is not always on the agenda with sickness/ busy life etc. And l hate to add this...menopause ahead!! He needs to understand this or ye will be on different wavelengths going forward.
There is no simple solution but understanding on both sides helps. It may be him in the future eg taking meds that interfere with arousal and he will need your understanding. Its all part of being in a relationship. So , no l don't think divorce is the answer. He may feel better he has got it off his chest but you cannot feel under pressure in any way as that is a passion killer for sure.

And i do love him. He is just in such a bad mood often, and the thing about not wanting to put in the efford, as it doesnt pay off (or him getting hurt, he also said) is hurtfull for me.
He snap at the kids, is annoyed, quiet and just work work work. ANd being sarcastic. With both me and the kids. Not often. 4-5 times a week. But it is too much. Dont know what to do!

But he wont understand. It is me who needs to understand. He just loves me so much. He just needs me so much. He is hurt that I am not flattered. He doesnt understand. He only focus on what he needs. ANd then he close down with "fine, forget it" and go to bed/go for a walk, leave for holiday home":
I get the languages of love. His is most certainly tactile. We cuddle EVERY evening. Sleep close. I do A LOT of touching. because I know it is important to him. He just keep pressuring me. And when he finally take a break with that, it is with s hurt sulk- so he really dont have a clue what I want or need.
He has no problems at all, with performing, never has, he can do it on command. (quite practical, really)
He has gone to bed for a few hours ago, and he will sulk tomorrow, leaving all the kids and house to me. He will work outside, coming in only to eat and go to bed again. Always like that. And with it being new year. Fuck I cant take another year like this. Love or no love. Life is to short. I want to enjoy the last years of my babies being here, not running around he kids, compensating for a sex deprived sulk..

So he loves you so much, works hard for you and the kids, wants you sexually and is brilliant at sex. You have been unwell and he has expressed that he would like to have more sex with you recently? You have a high sex drive normally until you got sick. So he was used to regular sex I am guessing.

Still not enough. More than now. But nowhere near enough. The problem is not thw sex, i would want more if he didnt sulk about it. And saw it as a trade for him being nice to me.

He is not brilliant at it. I never said? He is good, i am attracted to him. He just want it so much and get annoyed and sulking when i dont want.

God he sounds exhausting. Tell him that sulking is NOT sexy.

He will say he is not sulking. Just so hurt from rejection. And yes it is..

Is it only now he is feeling hurt from rejection or has he been wanting more sex through your two month illness?

He wanted more, as it got less, the older the children got. I dont mind getting caught on the sofa, by a 3 year old, but i mind now. They also sleep later in the evening, possibility got less. It wasnt hard with small children, it is with teenagers. I do love him, but i hate this pressure and i hate his inability to discuss, and his hurt.

Hrm. It sounds like you have a communication problem more than anything. It’s clear his attitude and inability to communicate is causing you a lot of misery. Equally his reliance on sex as an almost sole factor in demonstrating intimacy and love is causing him misery too.

Can’t help shake the feeling you’re leaning towards ending it. Which is a pity because you seem to suggest in most other areas he’s a pretty good guy.

It’s difficult. Because if you can’t find a way to talk to each other then your relationship is doomed. You’ll get increasingly frustrated and miserable and he’ll become increasingly moody and closed. And the danger of an affair looms.

Has there ever been any scenario in which you’ve been able to discuss things without one of you getting upset and closed? Perhaps going out together somewhere quiet. Going for a walk. Doing something fun or relaxing together? Maybe get some counselling? The idea another poster suggested of writing a letter is a good one. Perhaps a mutual third party you both trust and respect to be a mediator? Maybe book a weekend away, just you two.

But I feel unless you do find a way to communicate neither of you will be happy and it’ll destroy your relationship. Good luck.

He's totally wrong to think he only has to be nice to you so you'll have sex with him. He should be nice and kind to you all because he loves you, because you're his wife, not just because he wants sex. He sounds selfish, I don't blame you for not having sex with him.

God - he sounds awful. Pressuring you into sex and sulking when you don't want it all the time. Yuck.

And him saying that he has no reason to be nice to you because it's not leading to more sex? That's horrible.

I do feel like ending it. Out of frustration. Kids notice his moods. And his disappering. When kids was younger we had more time to ourselves and he didnt manage any serious talks then. We tried therapy. Once.
He cant cope with problems. An d lack of sex as it is his only way to intimacy.
The other day we went out on our field, sitting looking at our 2 kows and baby cows and sunset and i was happy. All this beautifull land is ours. Perfect moment for me. If i brought something up, moment would be ruined and he would clam up. He cant talk.

Not all thw time. Just once a day or every other day. Is that like all the time?
When i read here, you all have a lot of aex and if a man has low libido you advisw to leave. Shouldnt i leave? Once a week is plenty for me. He will never be happy with that and it does not change the pressure for me. Plus he cant talk, it is exhausting. And yes the comment of not bothering to be nice to me if it does not pay of. How am i suppose to react today, to his sulking. And we have f amily over for brunch tomorrow - already cancelled once this holiday..